Darkest Night
by rentheadperson
Summary: New Moon from Edward's POV. Probably rated K , but I rated it T just to be safe.
1. Prologue

_I pray you, in your letters,  
When you these unlucky deeds relate,  
Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,  
Nor set down aught in malice. Then must you speak  
Of one that loved not wisely but too well;  
Of one not easily jealous, but, being wrought,  
Perplex'd in the extreme; of one whose hand,  
Like the base Indian, threw a pearl away_

_Othello_, Act V, Lines 389-396  
William Shakespeare

Prologue

I stood in the shadows, waiting calmly. Five more minutes. Five more minutes of this unendurable agony.

Part of me wished Rosalie hadn't made the phone call. Part of me wished I didn't know. And yet, I would have found out eventually, and I would have reacted exactly the same. The alternative to nonexistence was too painful now. There was only pain in my future. Unending pain. Agony. I couldn't live with it, no matter how much Alice would try to help me.

I looked around at the cloaked figures, hiding their identities in a shroud of black. They were waiting for me to do what they knew I would. What I had told them I would do.

To be able to live through these last unendurable minutes, I once more pulled the memory of the meadow to the forefront of my mind, lingering on the details of it. How I wanted life to be so uncomplicated again, so pain-free. That day had been the best day of my entire existence.

And this was the worst. The clock chimed, signifying midday, as I moved toward the sunlight.


	2. 1 Romeo

1. Romeo

I leaned against my silver Volvo in the school parking lot, waiting for Bella. I knew she wouldn't be in a particularly good mood today. It was her birthday. She was officially eighteen today, a year older than I was. Since she'd met me, she'd developed an irrational fear of getting older. She had asked me numerous times to stop her aging, but I always vehemently refused. I would not take away my love's soul. It was the most selfish thing I could ever imagine doing, and I just couldn't justify doing it, no matter how badly she thought she wanted it.

Even the humans could hear Bella's ancient truck from a block away. I waited patiently for her to pull the rusty old heap of metal into a parking space and get out. Alice wasn't so patient. She sprang up from beside me and skipped to Bella's side, her face glowing with excitement.

"Happy birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" Bella said angrily. She had been very clear that she didn't want any attention or acknowledgement of her birthday. Alice was ignoring her wishes, determined that Bella was going to have a good time in spite of herself.

"Do you want to open your present now or later?" Alice asked, ignoring Bella's macabre attitude as they walked forward to meet me.

"No presents," Bella grumbled unhappily. I couldn't help but smile.

_She is _so _not getting out of this. _"Okay…later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

"Yeah," Bella said unenthusiastically. "They're great."

"_I_ think it's a nice idea," Alice pressed, determined to change Bella's mood. "You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience."

"How many times have _you_ been a senior?"

_Here we go again. Edward, don't say anything!_ "That's different."

They finally reached me, and I held out my hand eagerly for Bella. She took it just as eagerly, and I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I smiled as I heard her heartbeat pick up in response to my touch. I lifted my free hand to trace the shape of her lips with my index finger, feeling a warm energy as I did so, my equivalent of a racing heart.

"So," I said, "as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct."

"Just checking. You _might_ have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice laughed. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that can happen?"

"Getting older," Bella responded instantly.

I pursed my lips to keep from firing off an angry response.

_Oops. Sorry, Edward._ "Eighteen isn't that old. Don't women usually wait until they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," Bella muttered unhappily.

I sighed. I'd wanted to avoid any mention of this subject today and Bella had somehow managed to get it into the conversation twice in the first three minutes of the day.

"Technically. Just by one tiny little year, though," Alice said, trying to pacify Bella. It didn't work. "What time will you be at the house?" she continued, changing the subject.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there."

"Oh, be fair, Bella! You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I _want."

"I'll pick her up from Charlie's right after school," I told Alice.

"I have to work," she retorted.

"You don't, actually," Alice said with a smug smile. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you, 'Happy birthday.'"

"I-I still can't come over," Bella said. I didn't have to read her mind to know that she was trying to come up with an excuse. "I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet_ yet for English."

"You have _Romeo and Juliet_ memorized," Alice protested with a snort.

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it—that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

I rolled my eyes at her feeble attempts to get out of the celebration being held in her honor.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice said.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

Alice glared at Bella. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other—"

I'd just had a stroke of genius. "Relax, Alice," I interrupted her. "If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."

"So there," Bella said smugly.

"I'll bring her over around seven," I continued, quite pleased with myself. I'd managed to semi-pacify Bella and Alice both and get a couple of hours alone with my love this afternoon. "That will give you more time to set up."

"Sounds good," Alice laughed. "See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She grinned at us before heading off to class.

"Edward, please," Bella started to protest, but I put a finger to her lips to silence her.

"Let's discuss it later," I said. "We'll be late for class."

Bella's attitude didn't improve throughout the day. If anything, it only got worse as her party loomed closer. Alice was quite persistent when she wanted something, and Bella knew there would be no getting out of it if I was in on the plans too.

Alice took my Volvo home after school. I walked Bella to her truck and held the passenger door open for her. She folded her arms across her chest stubbornly.

"It's my birthday. Don't I get to drive?" she asked.

Bella's slow driving made me impatient. I always looked for excuses to drive. "I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished."

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…" she hinted.

"All right," I said, shutting the passenger door and going to open the driver's side door for her. "Happy birthday."

"Shh," she protested.

Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie had gotten Bella a new stereo system for her truck as a birthday gift. Emmett was going to install it while she was at the house so she couldn't return it. A smile played at my lips as I fiddled with the dials of the pathetic radio that was currently installed.

"Your radio has horrible reception," I teased, setting up the scene for her receipt of the gift later.

She frowned, as she usually did when I complained about her truck. For some unfathomable reason, she liked this heap of scrap metal.

"You want a nice stereo?" she asked harshly. "Drive your own car."

I had to press my lips together to keep from smiling. Her tiger-kitten anger was amusing and endearing, but she hated when I laughed at it.

When Bella parked in front of Charlie's house, I reached over to take her face in my hands before she could get out of the car. I'd figured out a way to get rid of her gloomy mood. It seemed impossible for her to be unhappy when I was physically affectionate with her. I knew just the smell of my breath interrupted her thinking processes. And her heart raced whenever I touched her, especially when I kissed her. That was sure to distract her. I handled her very gently, tracing the lines of her perfect face with my fingers, and leaned my face close to hers.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered, making sure I breathed in her face.

Her breathing was already uneven. It was working. "And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" she asked feebly.

I stared directly into her eyes and smiled at the shade of red that her face turned. "Too bad," I said.

I leaned in to kiss her, ever so gently. I let my lips linger on hers, luxuriating in the sweet sensation and enjoying the sound of her accelerated heartbeat, until she predictably threw herself into the kiss with more force than I was comfortable with. I could never test my limits, with her of all people. Using all the effort I could muster, I curled my lips upward and pulled away.

"Be good, please," I breathed against her skin. I kissed her lightly once more, then pulled away and folded her arms across her stomach.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she asked. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

I smiled. I loved that about her. I didn't want her to get better at it. "I really hope not."

She rolled her eyes. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command," I said, getting out of the car and racing with inhuman speed to open her door for her.

I made myself comfortable on the couch while Bella started the movie and fast-forwarded through the opening credits. When she perched on the edge of the couch, I grabbed her by her waist and pulled her against my chest. I pulled the old afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped it around her so she wouldn't get cold.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I teased. I knew she loved Romeo.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" she asked, offended.

I fought back a smile. My attempts at keeping her distracted were working beautifully. "Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline—don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"

She sighed in frustration. "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you anyway," I said as I trailed my fingers idly across her arm. "Will you cry?"

"Probably. If I'm paying attention."

It always amused me when she cried during movies. "I won't distract you, then," I said, kissing her hair.

Determined to do exactly what I'd said I wouldn't do, I whispered Romeo's lines in Bella's ear throughout the movie. She didn't seem to object to that. And she did cry when Juliet woke to find Romeo dead.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said as I dried her tears with a lock of her hair.

"She's very pretty."

I snorted. Compared to the angel in my arms, the woman on the screen was extremely unattractive. "I don't envy him the _girl_—just the ease of the suicide," I teased. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" she almost screamed.

I instantly regretted saying anything. That hadn't been the brightest subject to bring up while trying to avoid discussions about age and mortality. But now I had to explain myself.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning…after he realized what he'd become…" I struggled to keep my voice light. "And he's clearly still in excellent health."

She twisted so she could look at me. "What are you talking about?" she asked seriously. "What do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring, when you were…nearly killed…" I took a deep breath, struggling even harder now to keep my tone light. It wasn't easy to think about our little excursion to Phoenix, when Bella had had a very close encounter with a sadistic vampire. I tried to return to my teasing tone as I continued, but it didn't quite work. "Of course, I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

"Contingency plans?" she asked nervously.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you," I said, rolling my eyes. Wasn't that obvious? "But I wasn't sure how to _do_ it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

Again, I regretted bringing up this subject. Way to keep it light.

"What is a _Volturi_?" she asked.

I really didn't want to continue this, but I couldn't back out now. "The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?"

"Of course I remember."

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi," I continued. "Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do."

A look of horror washed over her face, and she took my face tightly—for her—between her hands. "You must never, never think of anything like that again!" she exclaimed. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point," I said, desperate to end this conversation.

"_Put_ me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?" She was getting angrier now.

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?"

"That's not the same thing." She paused for a moment. "What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off_ myself?"

I winced in pain. A world without Bella seemed utterly meaningless. "I guess I see your point…a little. But what would I do without you?" I asked.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."

I sighed. Complicated? She had enriched my existence, made this mundane eternity worth living through. "You make that sound so easy."

"It should be," she remarked. "I'm really not that interesting."

I opened my mouth to argue, but I heard Charlie's car coming from down the block. "Moot point," I said simply, straightening my posture and shifting her to the side so she was no longer curled up against me. Charlie didn't particularly like my public displays of affection towards his daughter.

"Charlie?" she asked.

I smiled and nodded. She reached out to take my hand. I didn't object. I supposed Charlie could deal with that much.

Charlie walked in carrying a pizza. "Hey, kids," he said, grinning widely at his only daughter. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure," Bella said enthusiastically. "Thanks, Dad."

Charlie was used to me passing on dinner by now, so he wasn't shocked by my lack of appetite. Of course, I _could_ have eaten a slice, but it tasted horrible and it wasn't worth the unpleasant ordeal of it coming back up later.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked when they had finished their dinner.

Bella looked at Charlie, and the hope in her eyes was unmistakable. Anything to get out of gifts and attention. But Charlie was in on our little plot. Alice had told him about it during her last visit.

"That's fine," he said. "The Mariners are playing the Sox tonight, so I won't be any kind of company. Here." He tossed the camera he had given Bella as a birthday gift towards her.

That wasn't the brightest move. Bella was the most uncoordinated person I'd ever met. I quickly reached out to catch the camera before it shattered on the floor.

"Nice save," Charlie complimented me. _That kid sure has quick reflexes. Anyone else wouldn't have been able to catch that camera in time._ "If they're doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie," I said, holding out the camera to Bella. She turned it on me. I smiled her favorite crooked smile as she snapped the first shot.

"It works," she announced.

"That's good," Charlie said. "Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while."

I smiled. Charlie loved Alice. She had helped Bella with basic hygienic necessities while Bella was covered in gauze and plaster from head to toe. Charlie was quite glad that he hadn't had to be the one to help his seventeen-year-old daughter shower.

"It's been three days, Dad," Bella said, smiling too. "I'll tell her."

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight," he said, moving towards the living room to watch his game.

I smiled triumphantly as I took her hand and all but dragged her outside. I opened the passenger door of her truck again, and this time she didn't object. She still had a hard time finding my house, especially in the dark. I drove through Forks, annoyed by the internal speed limit imposed by Bella's prehistoric truck.

"Take it easy," she said in a warning tone.

"You know what you would love?" I teased. "A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck," she protested defensively. "And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime," I said truthfully.

"Good."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what it is."

I sighed. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935," I explained. "Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited."

"Fine, I'll behave."

"I probably should warn you…"

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited…I do mean _all_ of them."

"Everyone?" she asked, surprised. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But…Rosalie?"

"I know, Bella," I sighed. Bella was definitely not Rosalie's favorite person on the planet. "Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." After an awkward silence, I decided to change the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything else you'd like for your birthday?"

"You know what I want," she whispered.

I'd left the door wide open for that one. "Not tonight, Bella. Please," I begged.

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I growled, and it wasn't a quiet growl. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella."

"That's not fair!"

We pulled up to my house. Of course, I'd known Alice would decorate, but I had no idea of the extent of decorations she had planned. There were Japanese lanterns hanging from the porch eaves, and huge bowls of pink roses lining the stairs up to the front doors. Bella moaned. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself.

"This is a party," I said, trying to be calm. I would have a few words with Alice later. "Try to be a good sport."

"Sure," she grumbled.

I came around to open her door and offered her my hand as she got out of the truck.

"I have a question," she said.

I waited, unsure if I would want to give the answer.

"If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?"

I laughed as I helped her out of the car and pulled her up the stairs. I was still laughing when we walked in the front door. The ridiculous image Hollywood presented of vampires never ceased to amuse me.

Everyone was waiting in the living room and greeted Bella with an enthusiastic "Happy birthday, Bella!" Of course, she blushed and stared at the floor.

Quite frankly, I would have rather stared at the floor, too, than look at the extravagant decorations. Maybe I should have brought Bella over right after school so Alice wouldn't have had time for this. There were pink candles everywhere and dozens of crystal bowls filled with more roses. A table with a white cloth draped over it sat next to my piano, holding a birthday cake (rather large, I thought, since Bella would be the only one actually eating cake—and even Bella would probably refuse), yet more roses, a stack of glass plates (I had no idea who the plates were for), and a small pile of presents. Even though I was just as distressed as Bella—because I knew she was distressed—I tried to soothe her by wrapping my arm around her waist and kissing the top of her head.

Esme greeted Bella with a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

Carlisle put his arm around Bella's shoulders. "Sorry about this, Bella," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't reign Alice in."

Emmett and Rosalie stood behind Carlisle and Esme. Rosalie didn't smile at Bella, but, as promised, she behaved herself and didn't glare.

Emmett, however, was thrilled to see Bella again. His mouth was stretched into one of his characteristic grins. "You haven't changed at all," he teased. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella said, blushing crimson.

Emmett laughed. "I have to step out for a second," he said, winking conspicuously at Alice. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

"I'll try," Bella said, smiling a little.

Alice let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward, a huge smile on her face. Jasper smiled, too, but kept his distance. He liked Bella a lot, but he had a harder time than the rest of us at sticking to the "vegetarian" vampire diet, and he didn't want to push himself.

"Time to open presents," Alice announced, leading Bella to the table.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"

"But I didn't listen. Open it," she said, taking the camera from Bella's hands and replacing it with a big wrapped box—the empty box for the car stereo system that Emmett was installing right that moment.

Bella tore the wrapping paper off the box and stared at it for a long moment, finally opening it. It was empty, of course.

"Um…thanks," Bella said, confused.

Rosalie smiled.

"It's a stereo system for your truck," Jasper said with a laugh. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella said, grinning in spite of herself. "Thanks, Emmett," she called out a little louder. She seemed to forget that was unnecessary. Emmett laughed from outside, and Bella joined in.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice insisted, giddy with excitement.

Bella turned to glare at me. "You promised."

Before I could answer, Emmett bounded through the door and took a seat close to Bella to watch her open the rest of her gifts. "Just in time!" he exclaimed.

Even Jasper had moved in closer than usual to get a good look.

"I didn't spend a dime," I promised her, pulling a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

She took a deep breath and turned to Alice. "Give it to me," she sighed.

Emmett chuckled with delight as Bella slid her finger underneath the wrapping paper and pulled it along the tape. She paused suddenly and pulled her finger out.

"Shoot," she muttered. A single drop of blood was on her finger.

"No!" I roared, throwing myself in front of her and flinging her back across the table.

The table collapsed and the glass and crystal shattered everywhere. Bella landed in the middle of the shards, but I didn't have time to save her from more injury before Jasper crashed into me, snarling.

_Blood. Must drink the blood. Thirsty. Blood._

I restrained Jasper as he shoved against me, struggling to get past me to my love, who lay bleeding on the floor. It took all of my effort to stay there protecting Bella, and not do what Jasper was trying to do. I concentrated solely on the struggle with Jasper, trying fervently to ignore the sweet scent of my angel's blood.

Sometimes, Jasper would have a moment of lucidity, but it wouldn't last for long. _No, it's Bella. I can't hurt Bella. It's Bella. It's blood. Thirsty. Blood._

_I can do this. I won't hurt Bella. _Emmett's thoughts were lucid and sane as he came up and grabbed Jasper from behind, locking him into a tight bear hug.

Jasper continued to struggle, continuing to have momentary bursts of lucid thought, but his thirst always overpowered quickly.

Esme was struggling, of course, but she was mostly deeply ashamed of Jasper. _Poor Bella. I can't believe Jasper did that. How could we have been so careless?_

Alice was trying to give herself a pep talk. _It's Bella, Alice. It's Bella. You can do this. You won't hurt her. It's Bella._

_And _this_ is why Edward never should have brought her into this. What if she doesn't live through tonight? We'll all be implicated and Edward will never forgive himself._ Somehow, even though there was fresh human blood in the room, Rosalie managed to concentrate on being bitter.

When Jasper was safely restrained and I was confident that no one else would attack, I finally looked to see the extent of the damage I'd done to Bella by throwing her backwards. She lay there with a huge gash in her arm, glass and crystal sticking out of it, and looking terrified. The blood was flowing freely now, and it took enormous restraint from all of us, especially me, not to help ourselves to the feast presented before us.


	3. 2 Burning

2. Burning

Drawing on his centuries of being around human blood, Carlisle managed to stay calm. I felt weak, disgusted with myself that I fought so much with my thirst. How could I even think like that about the person who defined my existence? I wished so much I could be as unaffected by it as Carlisle.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside," Carlisle said in a calm but authoritative voice.

Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper."

Jasper was still struggling against Emmett. I clenched my jaw as I hovered over Bella, protecting her from my crazed brother. I didn't allow myself to breathe. I growled quietly but menacingly, warning Jasper not to come any closer. Rosalie stepped in front of Jasper, keeping a safe distance from his teeth, and helped Emmett wrestle him out the front door.

Esme was ashamed at herself and the rest of us. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she said in an agonized voice as she left.

Only Alice, Carlisle, and I were left. Alice tried to help by handing Carlisle a towel, but there was too much glass in the wound. Carlisle ripped a long, thin scrap from the tablecloth and tied it tightly around Bella's arm like a tourniquet.

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked softly, calmly. Once again, I was disgusted with myself and the deplorable thirst that I fought so vehemently against. Why, oh why couldn't I be as immune to the scent as Carlisle was?

"Here, please," my love whispered. Of course she wouldn't want to go to the hospital. When did she ever like any sort of attention?

Alice left to get Carlisle's bag, and Carlisle had me carry her to the kitchen table.

"How are you doing, Bella?" he asked, still as calm as ever.

"I'm fine," she answered, her voice surprisingly steady given the amount of blood. Ironically, she fainted around blood, claiming that she could smell it.

I sat her in a chair and stood over her, still trying to protect her. From what, I don't know. Alice and Carlisle were perfectly capable of controlling themselves. The three of us had been the only ones who stayed with Bella when she was lying in the ballet studio in Phoenix, bleeding profusely. I couldn't let myself breathe.

"Just go, Edward," Bella sighed.

It sounded quite tempting, but I wanted to stay with her. She was hurt. It didn't seem right to leave her now. "I can handle it," I insisted stubbornly.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." She winced in pain as Carlisle yanked a shard of glass out of the gaping wound in her arm. How could I leave now?

"I'll stay," I said.

"Why are you so masochistic?" she muttered under her breath.

"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far," Carlisle suggested. "I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes," Bella agreed. "Go find Jasper."

"You may as well do something useful," Alice chimed in.

I narrowed my eyes unhappily. I didn't like them ganging up on me to keep me away from my love. But I couldn't deny their logic. Why exactly _was_ I inflicting this suffering on myself? I sprinted lightly out the door to go find my brother. Alice wasn't far behind me.

We found Jasper across the creek, with Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme trying to comfort him. It wasn't working. He was even more disgusted with himself than I was, if that was possible. I walked up and put a hand on his shoulder. The other three left, walking back towards the house.

"It's all right, Jazz," I tried to comfort him. "You didn't hurt her."

"She smells so much better to you than she does to me, and you were able to control yourself. Why couldn't I?"

"You've just had less practice," Alice said, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head against his chest. "No one is mad at you."

Jasper wound his arms around Alice's waist, slightly comforted. "It wasn't just some random stranger. It was Bella! She's like a sister to me. I _know_ her! I love her! And I just tried to kill her. I'm a hideous creature."

"No, Jazz, you're not," I assured him. "If you had really wanted to kill her, you would have struggled a lot more. I know. Trust me."

"I just ruined a great evening. Everyone was enjoying themselves, laughing and joking just like normal, and then I had to ruin it because of a stupid paper cut."

"Jazz, it's my fault," Alice said. "I'm the one who used wrapping paper instead of gift bags."

We all laughed, even Jasper.

"We should head back," I suggested. "Carlisle's probably about done with Bella now."

"I can't go back in there," Jasper said in a pained voice. "I can't look Bella in the eye right now."

"Stay here for a bit, Jazz," Alice said, her tone soothing. "I want to say goodbye to Bella. I'll be right back."

Alice and I hurried back to the house. Carlisle was finished sewing her up, but he was still talking to her.

"It was Edward's mother who made up my mind," he was saying.

"His mother?" Bella asked.

"Yes. Her name was Elizabeth. Elizabeth Masen. His father, Edward Senior, never regained consciousness in the hospital. He died in the first wave of the influenza. But Elizabeth was alert until almost the very end. Edward looks a great deal like her—she had that same strange bronze shade to her hair, and her eyes were exactly the same color green."

"His eyes were green?" Bella murmured.

"Yes… Elizabeth worried obsessively over her son. She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her sickbed. I expected that he would go first, he was so much worse off than she was. When the end came for her, it was very quick. It was just after sunset, and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who had been working all day. That was a hard time to pretend—there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back to my house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying.

"I went to check Elizabeth and her son first. I'd grown attached—always a dangerous thing to do considering the fragile nature of humans."

Yes, attachment was definitely a dangerous thing. I'd allowed myself to get attached to Bella, and look where it had gotten me. It was my attachment to Bella that had caused tonight, that had almost gotten her killed.

I knew what I had to do. It was agonizing even to think about it, but I knew it was the right thing. It was what I'd been trying to do since I first realized I loved her. I was just strong enough to leave, but I knew that I was not strong enough yet to try to forget her and what she'd meant to me. My chest felt hollow.

"I could see at once that she'd taken a bad turn," Carlisle continued. "The fever was raging out of control, and her body was too weak to fight anymore.

"She didn't look weak, though, when she glared up at me from her cot.

"'Save him!' she commanded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could manage.

"'I'll do everything in my power,' I promised her, taking her hand. The fever was so high, she probably couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt. Everything felt cold to her skin.

"'You must,' she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn't pull through the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. 'You must do everything in _your_ power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.'

"It frightened me. She looked at me with those piercing eyes, and, for one instant, I felt certain that she knew my secret. Then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She died within an hour of making her demand.

"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Just one other creature who could really know me, rather than what I pretended to be. But I could never justify it to myself—doing what had been done to me.

"There Edward lay, dying. It was clear that he only had hours left. Beside him, his mother, her face somehow not yet peaceful, not even in death.

"Elizabeth's words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really want that for her son?

"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty—of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." He paused, shaking his head. "I suppose I should take you home."

I was jerked out of the painful memory of my transformation and then wanted to scream aloud at the thought of not seeing Bella one last time before I left her.

"I'll do that," I said, coming in the kitchen door.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, looking down at her shirt. She sounded a little sick; I guessed it was from the blood.

"I'm fine," I insisted. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I walked back out the kitchen door to get Alice.

"He's very upset," Bella said to Carlisle when I'd walked out.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are." _I hope he doesn't do anything rash. He'd break her heart beyond repair if we left._

I briefly reconsidered my decision to leave her. Would Jasper really do something like that any time soon? Would any of us? We all loved Bella. None of us, not even Rosalie, would hurt Bella intentionally. And I knew Bella would be devastated, to put it mildly, if we left her. She'd come to love my whole family as her own.

"It's not his fault," Bella insisted.

I knew that, but it was _our_ fault. My family's fault. For being so stupid as to put her in danger.

"It's not yours, either," Carlisle said in a calming voice.

Esme had come back and was mopping the floor where I'd thrown Bella into the table with straight bleach.

"Esme, let me do that," Bella said.

"I'm already done. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine. Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had."

They both chuckled.

Alice came with me in the back door without a word. She saw what I was planning to do and she wasn't happy about it at all. I hung back by the kitchen door while Alice hurried to Bella's side.

"C'mon," she said. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."

I knew Bella didn't want me to hear what she was saying to Alice, because she purposely kept her voice low, so I tuned it out. I was too busy thinking about how dangerous it was for us to be around Bella to pay much attention to anything else as it was. I knew Jasper felt horrible, but I still couldn't escape the gnawing feeling inside that what I was doing, what all of us were doing, was wrong. The vampire world and the human world were never meant to coexist peacefully. I had been foolish to try. My thoughts were interrupted by Bella coming back to the door in a new shirt. I opened the front door for her without a word.

"Take your things!" Alice cried as we were walking out the door. She scooped up the two packages that were left on the table and put them in Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

I was silent as I walked Bella to the car, helped her into the passenger seat, and drove away. We were on the freeway before the uncomfortable silence got the best of Bella.

"Say something," she pleaded.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me you forgive me."

"Forgive _you_? For what?" For being human? For bleeding?

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty."

"It's still my fault."

How in the world could she blame herself for our ghastly behavior? "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could have possibly happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

"How in the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?"

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

I knew what she said wasn't far from the truth, and that scared me. But I couldn't acknowledge the truth of the words she had just spoken. Not if I was going to do what I knew I should.

"Don't be melodramatic, please," I pleaded, trying to make my tone agitated rather than agonized.

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."

We drove the rest of the way to her house in silence. I killed the engine, but my hands were still gripping the steering wheel like a vice.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked.

I wanted to so badly, but I knew it was a bad idea. "I should go home."

"For my birthday."

"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

"Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday," she pressed. "I'll see you upstairs." She hopped out of the truck and turned around to grab her packages.

"You don't have to take those," I suggested. I really didn't want her to open them. If I was going to do the right thing, the gifts that were left to be unwrapped were the last thing she needed.

"I want them."

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you," I tried.

"I'll live." She grabbed the presents with her good arm and slammed the truck door behind her.

I decided to surrender. I would have one last night with her.

"At least let me carry them," I said, taking the presents from her. "I'll be in your room."

Her smile was agonizingly beautiful. "Thanks."

"Happy birthday," I sighed in defeat.

I leaned down to kiss her. I pulled away when she stood up on her toes to make it last longer. I smiled the crooked smile I knew she couldn't resist and then disappeared, scrambling up the tree and into her window. I sat on the center of her bed to wait for her, idly playing with the box that held Carlisle and Esme's gift—a voucher for two plane tickets to Jacksonville, one for her and one for me. She came in a couple of minutes later, already in her pajamas.

"Hi," I said, trying to keep my voice light. I failed miserably.

She pushed the presents out of my lap and replaced them with herself.

"Hi," she said, snuggling closer to me. "Can I open my presents now?"

I wished I could cry. I couldn't bear this. How could doing the wrong thing make me so happy? It wasn't fair.

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I asked, trying to mask my anguish.

"You made me curious."

She picked up the box that held the ticket voucher and went to unwrap it. Not wanting to risk another paper cut, I took it from her.

"Allow me," I said, ripping the paper off with one swift motion and handing her the box.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she grumbled as she opened the box. It took her a second, but she finally understood all the tiny writing. "We're going to Jacksonville?" she asked, elated.

"That's the idea," I said, feigning the appropriate enthusiasm.

"I can't believe it! Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny. You'll have to stay inside all day."

I briefly re-considered my previous thoughts. "I think I can handle it." I frowned. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

That was what made it an acceptable gift? It pained me to realize just how much I meant to her. I knew, of course, but this was just a reminder of how much I had changed her. I tried to keep it light. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present," I chuckled. "I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

She set the voucher down and reached for the other present. I took it from her and unwrapped it as I had the first, handing her the CD jewel case, with an unmarked CD inside.

"What is it?" she asked, curious.

In answer, I took the CD out of the case and placed it in the CD player, hitting play. It was a CD of my compositions. I knew how she loved listening to me play. The first piece on the CD was the lullaby I'd written for her when we first met.

She started to cry, and I worried it was from her arm.

"Does your arm hurt?"

"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it," she said, awed.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here."

"You're right."

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine."

I had a feeling she was lying. That was a huge gash. I was sure it was starting to burn her. "I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything," she protested.

I didn't believe her. I slid her off of my lap and headed for the door to get some Tylenol out of the bathroom cupboard.

"Charlie," she whispered quietly.

"He won't catch me."

I was back before her bedroom door could shut again with a glass of water and the bottle of Tylenol. To my surprise, she took the pills without complaining.

"It's late," I said.

I lifted her off the bed with one hand, pulling the covers back with the other. I laid her back down on the bed, resting her head on a pillow and pulling the blanket back over her, then went around to the other side of the bed and lay down beside her, draping one arm over her. She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed.

I sighed, too. This was wrong. But it felt so right. To do what I knew was right would be the most agonizing thing I could imagine.

"Thanks again," she said.

"You're welcome."

"What are you thinking about?" she whispered after a moment.

I hesitated. Should I tell her the truth? Lie? I decided it would be best to tell her part of the truth. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not _ignore my birthday?" she asked. I could tell she was trying to distract me.

"Yes," I said.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do."

I laughed. Did she not realize that if it weren't so dangerous, I would spend the majority of my time kissing her?

I sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said desperately.

I put my hand under her chin to tilt her face up to mine. I pressed my lips to hers, once more luxuriating in the sensation of her warm lips on mine. But then, as I thought of doing what I should do, I became more desperate. Just once, I wanted to let my guard down, to let her go further, like she so often wanted to. I was sure it was safe. I knotted my fingers in her hair and pulled her closer to me. She wrapped her arms around me, knotting her fingers in my hair and pulling herself tighter into my embrace. It was intensely beautiful. And then it was too much. I pushed her away gently and we both collapsed onto the pillows.

"Sorry," I said, breathless. "That was out of line."

"_I_ don't mind."

I frowned. Of course she would try to push my self-control to its limit. "Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control."

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

I couldn't help myself. I grinned. "It's a tie. Now why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," she said, snuggling closer to me and trying to be sneaky about pressing her injured arm against my shoulder.


	4. 3 Right and Wrong

3. Right and Wrong

As I watched my love sleep, I was lost in thought. I thought of everything that had happened to Bella since I'd met her. Granted, I'd saved her life, many times, but she was in so much danger around me. Tonight, when _my own family_, who loved Bella like a daughter and a sister, had almost killed her, it was more than I could bear.

When she was deeply asleep, I went back to my house. I'd been thinking about right and wrong, and I knew what the right thing to do was. It wasn't the easy thing to do. It would be agonizingly painful, but it was the right thing. The right thing for Bella. I had to leave her. I was constantly putting her in danger, danger from my world. If I left her, maybe she could have a chance at a happy life. She would be sad too, at first, but she was human. Humans fell in and out of love all the time, didn't they?

She would find someone eventually. Someone who wouldn't put her in danger every second she was with them. Someone she could grow to love as she had loved me. She could grow old with them, have a family, be happy, and, most importantly, be _human_. That was the most important thing, wasn't it? That Bella would be happy again, eventually.

At least that was what I had to let myself believe. But it pained me to imagine Bella with anyone else. The image I'd seen when I'd first met Bella, of her in the wedding dress, clutching her father's arm as he walked her down the aisle, popped into my mind once more. And once more it pained me. It was as if someone had ripped my dead, frozen heart out of my chest and stabbed a stake through it.

When I got home, Jasper was back, and of course Alice was with him. His eyes were full of remorse and agony. But I wasn't mad at him. I was set in my course, and there was room for only one emotion in my body. Agony. Sadness. Pain. I supposed I would have to come to terms with this feeling; I would be feeling it for the rest of my existence.

"I'm so sorry, bro," Jasper said in an agonized voice.

"It's okay, Jazz. She's not mad at you."

"I know. That's what makes it worse. It was like…like she expected it or something."

"I think she did. She knew something like this would happen sooner or later. Look, I need to talk to everyone. Carlisle? Esme? Emmett? Rosalie?"

Once all of my family was together, we went to sit around the dining room table (or our conference table, since we didn't actually use it for mealtime). Since this was my tea party, I got to sit at the head of the table. I hesitated before I spoke.

"We have to leave. Now."

"What?" came Esme's response.

"We're putting Bella in too much danger by staying here, by being with her."

"Edward, let's not jump to conclusions. Do you really think Jasper is going to do something like that again anytime soon? Do you think any of us will? We all feel horrible about what happened tonight."

"Maybe not soon, but eventually. We're vampires. She's human. Our two worlds can't co-exist peacefully, no matter how hard we try to make them."

"Edward, can you leave?" Carlisle asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Can you leave? Really? You love Bella. And she loves you. The bond between you runs deep, deeper than the bond of human love. Do you realize what leaving will do to both of you?"

"Carlisle, I want more than anything to stay with her, for myself. But making her safe is more important. She's not safe with us. I'll never be the same again, and I know that. But Bella will. She's human. Humans fall in and out of love all the time. She'll be sad for a while, but eventually she'll find someone else and she'll survive."

"Edward, bro, don't do this because of me. I won't be the reason for your losing the best thing that ever happened to you," Jasper said.

"It's not because of you, Jasper. It's just that I realize now that we can't keep pretending we're not dangerous to her."

"Because of what I did. Look, I'll leave for a while. I'll go off by myself if you want. But don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to Bella. Don't do this to Alice."

I sighed. Alice. Alice had grown to love Bella almost as much as I did. Bella was like a sister to her. I hadn't even thought of what leaving would do to Alice.

"Alice?" I asked my favorite sister. She was suddenly focusing intently on her true love.

"I…I don't know what to say, Edward. I love Bella. I'll miss her terribly. And I don't think she'll be able to survive without you. She's been changed just as much as you have. The bond between you runs deeper than you know. I don't know if you _can_ leave, Edward."

"I can. I have to."

"No, Edward, you don't," she protested. "We all love her too. You're hurting all of us."

"If you love her, you'll realize that this is the best thing for her."

"I don't think it is, Edward."

"Enough," came Carlisle's authoritative voice. "Edward, are you absolutely positive that there's no other way? The rest of us will leave if it makes it easier for you. But I don't want to separate you from Bella."

"Carlisle, I'm the biggest threat to her. She smells better to me than she does to all of you combined."

"If you're positive that there's no other way, of course we'll go with you."

"I'm sure," I said, the agony breaking through in my voice. I was already starting to go to pieces.

"Edward, she won't be the same without you. Ever. You'll be breaking her heart, Edward. Mangling it beyond repair," Alice pleaded.

"No, I'll be mangling _my_ heart beyond repair. Her heart is human. It will heal eventually."

"I don't think it will, Edward. You don't see her clearly, see how she looks at you. With the unending love and devotion in her eyes."

"Yes, I do. I know exactly how she looks at me, and I know I'll be breaking her heart into tiny pieces for a while. But I also know that it's for the best in the long run. She's human, Alice. She'll move on."

"Edward, I don't think—"

"Alice, stop it," Carlisle interjected. "As much as it pains me to say it, I think Edward's right. We all love Bella, and it will be hard for all of us, but I agree that it's for the best. Bella's safety is the most important thing. It's more important than our feelings. If Edward is strong enough to leave her, we'll go with him. I have a job offer at Cornell in New York. I'll take it. We'll tell everyone we're moving to L.A. so that Bella won't be able to figure out where we're going and come after us."

"Thank you, Carlisle," I said, grateful to be done with the conversation.

"We'll leave right now. You stay for a few days to put things in order here and say goodbye to Bella. You owe her that much."

"I…I don't know if I can, Carlisle."

"You have to, Edward. You can't just leave her without a word of explanation. It wouldn't be fair to her. And you need some closure."

"I can't do it. I can't."

"It's all right, Edward," Alice said suddenly. "I'll stay with you."

"No, Alice. It'll be easier for her if I'm the only one who says goodbye."

"I'll stay out of sight if I have to, but I will not let you go through this alone."

"No."

"You're not going to budge me on this, Edward. If you have to say goodbye to Bella, you need someone here for moral support."

"She's right, bro," said Jasper. "You don't realize it now, but you need someone here. Alice is the next closest to Bella, so she can empathize most. She should stay with you, even if she can't see Bella."

"Fine. But, Alice, please don't try to see her. It'll be easier for her if you don't."

"If you really think it's best, I'll stay here at the house. But I'm staying with you."

"Okay. I need to go back now. She can't know I was here."

"I'll be here when you get back," said Alice.

I ran back to Bella's house and slid in her window just as it was getting light out. I looked at her sleeping peacefully on her bed, unaware of the havoc my family and I were about to wreak on her life. If I could have cried, I would have. I would have cried for hours. My dead, frozen heart started to break into tiny pieces. How would I ever get through this?

I tried to assemble my expression into something, well, expressionless, before Bella woke up. She couldn't know about anything. Not until it was absolutely necessary. And I wasn't ready quite yet.

My plan was simple. Distance myself from her for a few days, or try to at least. Maybe it would make it easier if I didn't allow myself to be close to her. Perhaps I could condition myself to live without her if I took it slowly.

Bella's alarm woke her, as usual, and I could tell she wasn't feeling well. The way she moved, the way she spoke, the way she cringed at any noise at all.

I couldn't stay here with her if she wasn't feeling well, because all I wanted to do was try to make her feel better. But I couldn't allow myself that luxury.

So I quickly kissed her forehead and ducked out her window, and then ran home at full speed, not caring who saw.

Alice was waiting for me when I got there, of course. She'd seen how upset I was while I was running.

I went to sit on the couch, put my head in my hands, and started sobbing tearless sobs. My sister came and sat beside me, wrapping one arm around my shoulders in an attempt to comfort me. But I couldn't be comforted.

_You know, it's not too late to change your mind._

"Stop that, Alice," I snapped.

I read in Alice's thoughts how agonized she was at the thought of never seeing Bella again. Well, maybe Alice could come back to visit Bella. I hadn't told the rest of them not to come back. I just knew that I never could. Because if I ever came back to visit, I wouldn't be able to leave again. And so I could never see my Bella again.

Alice and I sat in silence for a few minutes before I thought of more pressing matters than the agony I would be living with for the rest of eternity.

"If Bella asks where you are, what do I tell her?" I asked Alice.

"Hmm…well, tell her that Jasper's gone, and that I've gone with him. That's not exactly lying to her. It'll be true soon enough."

"Where do I say he's gone to?"

"Tell her that I'm trying to convince him to go to Denali for a while."

"Okay. Thank you, Alice. Thank you for insisting on staying. I don't know if I'd be able to do this if it weren't for you."

"I know you wouldn't be able to. Much as I don't want to leave Bella, I know that you can't do this alone. So if you're sure this is the right decision, you need someone here to help you through it."

I couldn't speak. I just nodded.

"You have to get to school," Alice reminded me. "You should be there waiting for Bella, like you usually are. It'll make her less suspicious if you act like everything's normal."

"Right. Thanks again, Alice," I said as I headed for the garage to get my car.

_You're welcome,_ she thought as I drove away.

Bella got to school a little later than usual, but not too late.

"How do you feel?" I asked as I opened her truck door for her.

"Perfect," she said, but I could tell she was lying. She cringed when I shut the door behind her.

We walked in silence, me shortening my stride to match hers. I wished I could touch her. Just hold her hand. Or brush her hair behind her ear. Just something to relieve a little of the agony I saw in her eyes. But I knew I couldn't. If I did, I would pay for it later. Every touch, every kiss, that we had ever shared was a string that tied me to this place. I had to cut all of them, not create more. And so I could not touch her.

I remained silent as much as I could. Occasionally I would ask about her arm, and she would reply that she was fine, but I could tell she was lying.

Lunchtime was usually a part of the day that I looked forward to, because it meant that I had time with Bella without her father around. But now I dreaded it. I dreaded any time I had to spend with her without a buffer there. Because it would mean that I would have to talk to her. I couldn't remain silent for the entire lunch hour. But I would let her begin the conversation.

Of course, she asked the most obvious question first.

"Where's Alice?"

"She's with Jasper," I said.

I stared at the granola bar I was slowly pulverizing between my fingers while I answered, so I wouldn't have to look at her face, to see the pain in her eyes. I knew that I was the cause of it. I knew she would be worried about what I was thinking, what would happen. And I felt guilty for torturing her so. Maybe it would be better just to leave today. Better for both of us. Because every second I spent with her was just making it harder to do what I had to. It just made me want to break down and stay with her even more. Because I couldn't stand to see that sadness in her eyes.

"Is he okay?" Bella asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"He's gone away for a while." And so would I, soon. Only I would be going away for good.

"What? Where?"

I shrugged. Shrugging was good. Very nonchalant. It took every ounce of energy I had to remember basic motor skills at the moment, so I was a little surprised with myself that I _could_ shrug.

"Nowhere in particular," I answered, still staring at the granola bar.

"And Alice, too," Bella concluded, sadness ringing in every word.

If she was this sad over Alice being gone, what would she be like when I left? I wanted to know, but at the same time I didn't. Because anything more than this level of sadness, I couldn't take. I couldn't ask Alice about it, because I couldn't bear to see it. Not now, and not ever.

"Yes," I answered, still avoiding her eyes. "She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

Bella swallowed, and then bowed her head and slumped her shoulders.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked for the umpteenth time today.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" she snapped, and then put her head down on the table.

Oh dear God, how would I make it through the rest of the day? And the next day? How would I survive another entire day with Bella, with that sad look on her face? I knew that she could tell something was wrong, very wrong. Otherwise she wouldn't be so upset right now. But I couldn't let on about that, so I acted as though I knew nothing. As though I was entirely imperceptive.

Another three hours of being with Bella seemed agonizing. I needed Alice. I considered skipping the rest of the day and going back home, but I knew I couldn't do that. I needed to act like everything was semi-normal, that nothing was wrong other than me being upset over last night.

The rest of the day passed in silence, on both my part and hers. I certainly wasn't going to be the one to break it, because I had absolutely no idea what would come out of my mouth if I tried to.

Finally, as I was walking her to her truck after school, Bella broke the silence.

"You'll come over later tonight?"

"Later?" I asked, genuinely surprised. I would have thought she'd want me to come over immediately after school, like I usually did.

"I have to work," she reminded me. "I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh," I murmured.

Right. Alice had made arrangement for Mrs. Newton to switch shifts with Bella yesterday so that she could celebrate her birthday. Or, more accurately, so that _Alice_ could celebrate Bella's birthday.

I suddenly felt a surge of resentment toward Alice. If only she hadn't insisted on that damn birthday party, none of this would be happening right now. Couldn't she have been selfless for once in her life?

No, it wasn't Alice's fault. It was mine. If I'd just stayed away from Bella in the first place, none of this would be happening, and it wouldn't be hard for me to leave now. Because, although I would still have been in love with Bella, I would never have known how good being with her made me feel. How she made me come alive in a way that I didn't know I could be alive. It was my fault for being weak and giving in to my desire to be with her. That was why this had happened.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Bella asked, pulling me out of my self-loathing.

"If you want me to," I answered.

"I always want you," she said, a little too intensely for light conversation.

It took every ounce of energy I had not to break down and start sobbing in front of her. It was a good thing that I had a few hours to go home and compose myself before I had to put on another charade at her house.

"All right, then," I said, using every ounce of energy I had to make myself sound indifferent.

I opened her truck door for her and kissed her forehead before I shut the door on her.

Big mistake. I could feel another string being tied to my heart, trying to keep me here, as the electric current I felt every time my lips touched her skin surged through my body.

I shut the door with a little too much force and ran as fast as I could in front of a crowd of witnesses to my car. I sped home as quickly as I could. I was a little surprised that I didn't get a ticket, because I couldn't focus enough to hear any thoughts clearly right now. It was all just a constant buzzing of voices in my head. So I wouldn't have been able to tell if a policeman was coming up behind me.

Alice was waiting outside for me when I got home. She'd been watching the entire day, and she knew how upset I was. She could see it.

This time I ran into her waiting arms and let her hug me and rub my back. But it did nothing to comfort me. The only thing that would comfort me was Bella's touch, and I couldn't have that.

_You know this is only the beginning, right?_ Alice asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

_Remember how it was when you first decided to try to stay away from Bella? The escalation of the pain? Each day being harder than the next?_

"Yes," I said, seeing where she was headed with this. "I know this will be like that too. I know it won't get any easier for me."

_Can you really live like that again? Can you really keep it up for good this time?_

"Damn it, Alice, stop that!" I growled.

_Edward, I want you to understand the consequences of this decision before you follow through with it. I'm not trying to change your mind. I'm just trying to get you to understand the decision you've made._

"Oh, I understand it, Alice. Believe me, I understand it. Do you have any idea how utterly agonizing today was? Having to look into Bella's eyes, knowing that the sadness she felt now at me being cold and distant is nothing compared to the sadness she'll feel in a few days when I leave her? And that's while I'm with her. When I'm gone, I don't know how I'll survive. But I have to. Us being here with her is too dangerous. Jasper could have killed her so easily. Every time I'm with her, I'm putting her life in danger. I've learned to condition myself to it, but her scent is still as strong to me now as it was when I first met her. Who's to say that one day I won't kill her myself? If I leave her, she won't be in danger. And she'll eventually move on and find love with someone else."

_I don't know about all that. I don't think we're any danger to her, although as you're set in your course, I can't see what would happen if you chose to stay. However, I can see her future without you, and I won't show it to you, because it'll make it harder for you to do this, but let me just say that it isn't pretty, and I don't see her moving on any time soon._

"Are you _trying_ to get me to stay? Because I'm already very close to it. You're just making it harder for me to follow through with my decision."

_You might leave now, Edward, but I don't think you're strong enough to stay away from her permanently. I really don't. I didn't think you were before, and I was right. I still don't think you're strong enough for it._

"I am," I insisted stubbornly.

Alice rolled her eyes. _I've heard that one before._

I amended my statement. "I have to be."

_If you really think this is the best way, I won't stop you. But you need to understand the consequences of this decision, all of them, before you follow through with it. You'll be wreaking havoc on more lives than just yours._

"I know that, and I'm sorry. I hate that leaving will hurt Bella. And I'm truly sorry for causing you this kind of pain, Alice. But it's the right thing. And maybe eventually you can visit her again."

_I wouldn't do that to you. You'd hate me for the rest of eternity for visiting her when you couldn't._

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I would." I broke into sobs again. "How will I live without her? She's my entire world."

_I don't know, Edward. I really don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. And I hate to bring this up, but we need to talk about what you're going to tell Bella._

I couldn't speak. I just kept sobbing.

Alice led me inside and sat me down on the couch. Like she had this morning, she sat down beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. For about ten minutes, she just let me cry, not speaking aloud or thinking of anything but her own pain at leaving Bella.

_Edward, we really do need to talk about this. You need to know what you're going to say before you say it. Otherwise you won't be able to go through with it, because you won't know what to say._

"I don't know what to say, Alice. What can I do that will make this easier for her?"

Since I hadn't made up my mind yet as to what to say, Alice was able to see the consequences of different decisions. If I told Bella how much I loved her before I left, she wouldn't agree to stay. She would insist on coming with me. If I left her with reminders of myself, it would eventually drive her insane. Clinically insane. Alice saw her in a mental hospital if I left reminders. So I would have to take everything with me.

According to Alice's visions, the only way to make this work for Bella was the most agonizing way possible for me. I would have to convince Bella that I no longer loved her. That I didn't want her anymore. If she thought that I'd moved on, perhaps she would eventually as well.

So I started preparing my script. Thinking of words to say to convince Bella of the exact opposite of the truth.

And then I noticed the time. Bella would be getting off work soon. I was supposed to go to her house.

"Go on," Alice said out loud. "I'm going to start getting things ready for our absence here."

I nodded and got up to leave.

_Think about this, Edward. Really think about it. It's still not too late to change your mind and save everyone from heartache._

I pretended I didn't hear that. I couldn't hear it if I was going to follow through with my decision to leave the only thing that had any meaning in my world.

I beat Bella to her house. I should have stayed at home for a little while longer. This would be hard enough without having to wait for Bella to arrive.

But it was too late to do much about it now. Charlie had heard my car pull up in the driveway and was getting up to come and let me inside.

"Good evening, Charlie," I said when he opened the door before I had a chance to knock.

"Hey there, Edward. You beat Bella here. Why don't you come on inside, though? She should be here shortly."

"Thank you," I said stiffly as I walked in.

"You want some pizza? I've got some left over from last night."

I cringed internally at the thought of eating human food, but it was around dinnertime for the humans, so I figured that I'd accept his offer, just this once.

"Sure, I'll have a slice. Thank you," I said.

Charlie led me to the kitchen, where he had the pizza from last night sitting on the table.

"You want me to warm it up for you?" he asked.

"No, thank you. I like leftover pizza cold," I answered. It was easier to get food to come back up if it wasn't hot.

Charlie chuckled. "I thought I was the only one who liked it that way," he said as he grabbed a slice and held the box open for me.

I grabbed a slice, went into the living room, and sat in the same armchair I'd sat in when Bella first formally introduced me to her father as her boyfriend. I tried not to think about the irony there. This was the last time I would sit in this chair, and it was while I was trying to keep my resolve to leave her strong.

I sat there, staring at the television screen, but seeing nothing.

Bella arrived about fifteen minutes later.

"Dad? Edward?" she called before she'd even shut the door.

"In here," Charlie called.

"Hi," she said when she entered the living room. Her voice sounded weak. Sad. Of course.

"Hey, Bella," Charlie said, not looking away from the television. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay," Bella said, but she waited in the doorway. I could feel her eyes on me.

When she didn't move for a long moment, I finally permitted myself to look at my love. The pain that had been in her eyes all day was still there.

I forced my lips upward in a small smile. "I'll be right behind you," I said, and then went back to watching the TV. Well, staring at it anyway. I didn't actually see anything.

Bella still stared blankly into the room for another minute or so, but finally she turned to go to the kitchen.

I didn't hear anything that sounded like Bella eating, but she didn't come back into the living room for about ten minutes. I was starting to worry that something was wrong when I heard footsteps going up the stairs.

How I wished I could follow Bella. How I wished I could make her pain go away. But I couldn't. Instead, I would be causing her more pain. I hated myself. I thoroughly and completely hated myself. How could I even be considering doing this to the person I loved? Yet again, I reminded myself that it was the best thing for Bella, in the long run.

A few minutes later, I heard Bella slowly coming back down the stairs and trying to be sneaky about coming back into the living room. She leaned around the corner and snapped a candid shot of Charlie and I.

We both looked up at her at the same time. I kept the same expressionless look on my face.

Charlie frowned. "What are you doing, Bella?"

"Oh, come on," she said as she went to sit on the floor in front of the sofa. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he complained.

"Because you're so handsome," she teased. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

"I hate getting my picture taken," he mumbled, probably too low for Bella to understand.

"Hey Edward," she said, trying just a little too hard to keep her voice light. "Take one of me and my dad together."

Bella threw the camera to me, avoiding eye contact, and went to kneel beside the arm of the sofa where Charlie was. Charlie sighed as I got up to take the picture.

She wasn't smiling. She probably found it almost as hard as I did to smile right now.

"You need to smile, Bella," I murmured as I knelt down to take the picture.

She curved her lips upward into a very artificial-looking smile, and I took the picture.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie said, trying to shift the camera's focus away from himself.

I stood and tossed Charlie the camera as Bella came to stand beside me. I was grateful for the excuse to have her touch me, because right now I needed the consolation her touch gave me. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, resting my hand lightly on them. She wrapped her arm more securely around my waist.

"Smile, Bella," Charlie said.

She took a deep breath, but I didn't allow myself to look at her face to see if she was smiling. The camera flashed again.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

Using every ounce of strength I had, I dropped my hand from Bella's shoulder and twisted casually out of her arm. I went to sit back down in the armchair.

Bella went to sit against the sofa again. She put her knees up, pressed her hands against her stomach, and put her chin on her knees. I tried to identify the look on her face. Yes, the sadness was still there, but now there was something more. Anxiety, maybe. Or fear.

Had she guessed what was coming? No, how could she? She knew how I loved her, and she knew that I'd told her I couldn't live without her. How could she guess that I was going to try?

When the television show ended, Bella still hadn't moved. It seemed like an acceptable time to escape from the agony being in her presence was causing me, so I stood.

"I'd better get home," I said.

Charlie didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."

Bella got to her feet a little awkwardly and followed me out the door. I went straight to my car.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked, but I could tell she wasn't expecting me to say yes.

"Not tonight," I said, trying as hard as I could not to let my agony ring in my voice.

Unlike other times when I'd stayed away during the night, she didn't ask for a reason.

I got into my car and drove away. In the rearview mirror, I saw Bella standing in the rain, not moving, staring after my car.

Little did Bella know that I would, in fact, be staying with her tonight. Just not when she could see me. I needed one last night to watch her sleep, to hear her murmur her love for me in unconsciousness. Part of me knew it would make it harder for me, but the other part didn't care how hard it would make it. I needed this closure.

When I got home, Alice had prepared for our departure. There were white sheets over all the furniture, and the metal shutters had been pulled over the glass walls.

_You're going to watch her sleep tonight, _she said. Not a question, a statement of fact. She'd seen it.

I nodded, ashamed of my weakness.

_Why are you doing this to yourself? Won't it be easier if you don't?_

"Probably. But I need the closure."

_I guess you're right. Can I come with you tonight?_

I hesitated. Watching Bella sleep was a private, personal thing for me. But Alice would make it easier. No, I needed one last night to watch her sleep by myself. Maybe we could stay for one more night, and I could let Alice go tomorrow, see Bella one last time.

"No. Sorry, Alice, but watching Bella sleep is sort of private to me."

_I understand,_ she told me, but I could tell she was agonized.

"We'll stay for one more day. You can go watch her sleep tomorrow. I know you need to see her one last time."

_Thank you._

Alice and I spent the next few hours discussing what I would say to Bella when I told her we were leaving. Or, more accurately, while she gave me lines to say and I sobbed uncontrollably.

When I was sure Bella would be asleep, I ran as fast as I could to her house, sliding in her window and sitting in her rocking chair.

She slept uneasily tonight. Judging from what she said in her sleep, she thought that I was going to ask her to leave with me. I wished I could ask her for that. But that would defeat the purpose of me leaving.

However, I did hear what I was longing to, and also dreading to.

"Edward," she murmured uneasily. "I love you."

I started sobbing silently. _I love you, too, Bella. More than you'll ever know. Enough that I'll leave you, because that's what's best for you._

"I want you. Forever."

I sobbed some more. _I want you, too. More than I can comprehend._

Before it was light out, I slipped out of her window and shut it behind me. She couldn't know I'd been here. I ran back to my house so I could have a few hours to sob and wail without fear of her hearing me.

Alice had pulled the sheet off of the couch in the living room. I lay down on the couch and curled into a ball, letting the convulsions overtake me. She picked up my head and sat down, laying my head back down on her lap and rubbing my back.

_Are you sure you can handle another day just for my sake, Edward? Do you want to leave today?_

"It wouldn't be fair to you or Bella," I managed to get out between my sobs.

_I'll survive if you need to leave now. I don't want to cause you any more pain. You're in enough pain already._

"No, I can do it. I have to let you have your closure."

I beat Bella to school again. Today, I wouldn't even look at her if I could help it. I had to do this for Alice's sake, but I wouldn't cause myself any more pain than necessary.

The same anxiety I'd seen in Bella's eyes yesterday was present today, and I hated myself completely. She couldn't concentrate on anything. Even English, her best subject, was a struggle for her. Mr. Berty had to repeat his question about Lady Capulet twice before Bella even realized he was speaking to her. I whispered the correct answer under my breath and then went back to pretending to ignore her. Only pretending, though. As with before when I'd tried to ignore her, all I could manage was pretense. I couldn't actually ignore her.

I didn't speak to her at lunch today, and she didn't break the silence. After a few minutes, Bella leaned across the invisible boundary line drawn across the table and spoke to Jessica.

"Hey, Jess?"

"What's up, Bella?" _What's going on with them? This is…weird._

So even Bella's imperceptive friends noticed that there was something wrong. Not good, but it couldn't be helped.

"Could you do me a favor?" Bella asked, reaching into her knapsack. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, okay?"

_Ooh, fun. _"Sure," she said, grinning, as she took the camera from Bella and turned to snap a candid shot of Mike Newton with his mouth full.

A predictable picture war ensued. They started laughing and giggling and flirting as they passed the camera around. Under normal circumstances, I would have been amused. But not today. Today it only made me more agonized because Bella was sad and not part of the revelry. And because I realized that I would miss Forks. Even these immature high school students.

"Uh-oh," Jessica said apologetically as she returned the camera to Bella at the end of the lunch hour. "I think we used all your film."

"That's okay," Bella said. "I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed."

Bella had to work again today, so I had an excuse not to go to her house. I ran home and avoided Alice as I dashed up to my room and shut the door. I needed to go to pieces privately today. To be able to wallow in my misery and self-loathing.

At around one in the morning, Alice came up and knocked on my door. I uncharacteristically jumped at the sound.

_I'm going to see Bella now._ _I'll be back soon._

"All right," I sobbed.

_I wish I knew what to say to make this easier for you, Edward. I'm so sorry._

"I know, Alice. Thank you. Thank you for everything. You're the best sister in the world."

_You're welcome, but I think the best sibling prize goes to you. Thank you for enduring one more day so I could see Bella one last time._

"It was the least I could do," I said.

_I'll see you when I get back._


	5. 4 I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye

4. I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye

It was time to leave today. There was no more reason for me to stay and prolong the misery. I had gotten my own closure and given Alice hers. There was nothing left but to put on my farewell performance for Bella. To try to convince her of the opposite of the truth.

So, as I had the past two days, I pretended to ignore Bella at school. And after school, I put on my best poker face as I met her outside to walk her to truck. The anxiety and misery was still plain on Bella's face, and I hated myself completely for doing this to the person who defined my existence.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked. I didn't have to read her mind to anticipate her answer.

"Of course not," she replied. She sounded…relieved. Oh God, how could I do this without breaking her heart? I couldn't. If she looked like this now, how would she look after I left her? I knew I could never find out. If I could have cried, tears would have been forming in my eyes right now. I was a bit glad that my body was not capable of such a reaction. I had to keep the poker face.

"Now?" Better to just get this over with, then fall to pieces as soon as possible.

"Sure." She sounded a little worried now. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

"I'll do it," I said quietly, trying not to let my agony seep into my voice. "And I'll still beat you there." I tried to smile her favorite crooked smile, but it didn't completely work.

I took the envelope containing the pictures from Bella's first roll of film to mail it to Renee (and then painfully realized that if it weren't for my family almost killing Bella, we would be delivering these pictures personally together), then went to her house. I parked in Charlie's place in the driveway. I wouldn't be here long enough to be in his way. My dead, frozen heart ached at the thought.

I quickly went up to her window and went in. If I was going to leave her and tell her I didn't love her, I had to make sure I left no reminders of myself behind. I went to her scrapbook and took out the pictures with me in them. I took the CD of my music out of her CD player and grabbed the voucher for the trip to Jacksonville we would never take off of her nightstand.

I started to leave with these objects in my hands, but I couldn't do it. I had to leave something tangible with her. I couldn't very well cut out my heart and leave it here, although it felt like I had already. I pulled up a floorboard and put everything underneath, then fastened it back securely into place. She'd never know the things were there. That would have to be good enough for me.

Alice had told me this morning that she saw Bella lying in the woods after I left her. And Charlie sick with worry, not knowing where to look for Bella. I needed to leave him with some way to find his daughter. So, forging Bella's handwriting, I wrote a quick note for Charlie and left it on the kitchen table. Hopefully that would help some.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path.  
Back soon,_

_B_

I went back up the stairs, left through her bedroom window, shut it, and went back to wait in my car.

As she pulled up in her truck, I mentally rehearsed my lines one more time. I knew them by heart now. All I had to do was stay calm, to not show her how very much it hurt me to do this. It felt like I was killing part of myself. The blasphemy of the words I had to speak so she would move on overwhelmed me. How could I say them? How long would I have to blaspheme against the most holy thing in my world for her to doubt my undying love and devotion to her? All I knew was that this was the only way she might possibly let go. So I had to do it.

I got out of the car and went to her. I grabbed her bookbag and threw it on the seat, then took her hand. It felt like an electric current was pulsing through my body from the touch. I wanted to take her in my arms, to kiss her as I had on her birthday, to stay with her forever.

_No, Edward, she's more important than your physical gratification. Do the right thing._ So I did.

"Come for a walk with me," I said as I started towing her away towards the forest.

Bella didn't respond. She just followed. I wondered how much she had already guessed. The look on her face was terrified. She knew something bad was happening. But she would never dream just how bad it would be. When we were off the road, but still in sight of her house, I stopped and turned to look at my love. I didn't let myself really see her. I wouldn't remember her face like this. I would remember her happy, not with her heart breaking.

"Okay, let's talk," she said.

The sound of her voice betrayed how much her heart was already breaking. And I was about to rip it up further. I couldn't do it.

Yes, I could. I had to. I took a deep breath, memorizing her smell, luxuriating in the scent one last time, and began my lines.

"Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year—"

_Because my family can't control themselves around you. Because I can't stand the thought of being the cause of your death. Because I love you._ "Bella, it's time. How much longer can we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

Her face turned almost green as she realized what my words meant. "When you say _we_—"

The look on her face was almost enough to make me surrender. But I knew my lines, and I delivered them flawlessly. "I mean my family and myself."

The silence that followed was dangerous. How I wanted to take her in my arms, to comfort her, to love her. But I couldn't, and it was killing me. After a few minutes, she spoke.

"Okay. I'll come with you."

Although I knew this was coming, I hadn't planned for it, and I wasn't at my best for improvisation at the moment. While one part of me ached to take her with me to New York, the other part fumbled for something to say, for another line to deliver. I gave it my best shot.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you."

Her response was immediate. "Where you are is the right place for me."

I came up with a response to that right away. It was easy enough, because it was true.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I instantly regretted choosing that line. I'd tried it before, to no avail. What made me think it would work now?

"Don't be ridiculous," she begged. "You're the very best part of my life."

_You _are_ my life, Bella. _"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

Thank the good Lord above, we were back to the script. "You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

She was grasping at straws now. "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

Still on the script, thank goodness. "As long as that was best for you."

"No!" she screamed. She was desperate now. But she threw me another curveball. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

I had to look away. I looked down so I wouldn't have to see her pleading face. I couldn't see that while I tried to figure out how to deflect this curveball she'd thrown into my script. No amount of planning out what to say could have prepared me for this. She was ready to sacrifice her soul to be with me. Leaving her would tear her apart.

Would changing her really be such a horrible thing? If she were willing to make the sacrifice? My mouth twitched a bit as I considered biting her. It would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, but I had tasted her blood before and stopped of my own free will. Stopped while I was drinking it. Surely I could stop now.

I immediately felt sick. Was I really so selfish that I would take away her soul just so I wouldn't have to go through with this? What would Carlisle think? I hardened my expression and cut to the end of my now revised script.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." The words burned my throat coming out. I couldn't believe that I was capable of such blasphemy.

I saw a dozen emotions cross her face, none of them pleasant, as she absorbed my words. "You…don't…want me?"

_Oh, Bella, love, how I want you! I want you forever. But I can't have you. _"No."

"Well, that changes things."

The look on her face told me that she'd actually believed the blasphemous words I'd uttered. If I'd thought I was in agony before, I was in the seventh circle of Hell now. My own personal Hell. The Hell in which Bella honestly believed that I didn't want her. I wanted her more than I could comprehend. After all the times I'd told her I loved her, how could she let that simple "no" negate everything?

I had to get back to the script, and quickly, before I took her in my arms, kissed her until we were both dizzy, and told her I'd lied.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

Too long? Had I actually just said that? I could spend every day of the rest of eternity with her and it wouldn't be long enough.

She had one feeble attempt to keep me here left in her. "Don't," she pleaded. "Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella." It was all I had left. I'd used up my reserve of backup improvisation lines.

Blasphemy! How was I saying this? She had irreversibly altered me. She was the very best thing for me.

The look in her eyes was one of agonized defeat. "If…that's what you want."

Words failed me. I couldn't speak. I didn't know if I could move, but I tried. I nodded once. I had to leave. Now. But I had one thing to ask of her first, before I left my entire reason for being behind me.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

A glimmer of hope flickered across her face. It pained me to see it. "Anything," she said in a slightly stronger voice.

I tried to look concerned without giving away the fact that I was dying a slow and painful death on the inside. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded, defeated.

I couldn't tell her how much her promise meant to me, how glad I was to know that she would continue to exist after I left her. So I gave her my other reason for the request.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you." _And I need you. I need you to be alive, whether or not you're with me. I can't live without knowing that._ "Take care of yourself—for him." _And for me._

"I will," she managed to whisper.

I was glad she'd promised that, but sad that I wouldn't be able to make sure she followed through. I'd told Alice not to watch Bella. We all had to stay out of her life if this was going to work.

_Back to the script, Edward. Just a little more left._ "And I'll make you a promise in return," I continued. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

Her knees started to shake and she fell to the ground. I dropped to my knees to help her up, to make her look at me as I finished my scene. Somehow, my agonized brain forced my lips upward in a smile.

"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." How I wished it were that easy for my immortal mind.

"And your memories?" she managed to choke out.

Damn it! Another curveball. Why was she making me think on my feet now? My memories of the past few months would always be on the forefront of my mind. They had been the most wonderful days of my entire existence. But I couldn't tell her that. Then she was sure to say the words that would make me do the most selfish thing imaginable.

"Well," I hesitated, grasping for words. "I won't forget. But _my_ kind…we're very easily distracted." More blasphemy. I couldn't believe I was capable of saying such things. I started to leave. But then she stopped me by saying something I realized I'd left out.

"Alice isn't coming back," she mouthed.

I slowly shook my head. Any movement more sudden would betray the pain I was going through right now. I answered her. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

Of course she couldn't believe it. Alice loved Bella almost as much as I did. Bella knew this.

"Alice is gone?" She tried to make sense of what I'd just told her.

I used the words the doctor in the hospital in Phoenix had used once. "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." A clean break. It would heal faster that way.

She looked down at the ground, not quite wrapping her head around what was happening. I wanted to take her in my arms, to kiss her one last time.

I had to get out of here. Now. "Goodbye, Bella," I said. I turned to go.

But she choked out one final word. "Wait!" she pleaded.

I turned around and she was reaching for me. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. I reached for her wrists and wrapped my hands around them and pulled her arms down, pinning them to her sides. Then I made the biggest mistake I'd made all day. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her soft forehead one last time. The electric current pulsing through my body was so close to making me stay.

"Take care of yourself," I breathed.

And then I ran.

With inhuman speed, I ran, before I could talk myself out of this. Before I could take every word back and give her what she so desperately wanted, just so I'd never have to lose her. I ran and ran, concentrating on nothing but moving forward, away from my love. Away from my reason for being.

I don't know how, but I ended up in the meadow where I'd first taken her to show her what the sunlight did to my skin. Our meadow. And then I curled up in a ball and the dry heaves that were comparable to a fountain of tears came. I lay there, shuddering, unable to move.

_Goodbye, Bella. Goodbye, my only love. I'll never forget you. Ever._ _I love you, Bella._

I wasn't alone for long. I heard my Volvo pull up on the road below and then heard the sound of Alice's approach. She slowly walked up to me and put one hand on my back. She was shuddering, too.

Poor Alice. I was making her leave her best friend, her sister. But it was the right thing. There was no other way.

Alice helped me up to a sitting position and wrapped her arms around me. I don't know how long we sat there, both of us wishing desperately that we could cry. I was so glad that she hadn't listened to me when I told her not to stay. I needed her right now. Of course, she saw that. That's why she stayed.

_Are you sure, Edward? Did we do the right thing? How can it be the right thing if it hurts so much? There had to be another way._

I don't know how I managed to speak. "There was no other way, Alice. Jasper almost killed Bella. It was only a matter of time before one of us actually did."

_We all love her, Edward. You know how horrible Jazz feels. He would never hurt her. We'll leave for a while. You can stay with Bella._

"No, Alice, this is the right thing. I'm putting her in danger all the time. She'll have a chance at a normal life without me."

_Jasper feels horrible. Jasper's waiting for me in New York. I'll see Jasper soon._

Gah! Her age-old trick of thinking about Jasper whenever she wanted to keep me out. I knew that she could still see, even though she wasn't looking. And that she didn't think I'd like what she saw.

"Show me, Alice. Please. Just this one time, let me see."

_Jasper, Jasper, Jasper._

"Tell me, Alice."

_Oh fine. You're not gonna like it._ And she showed me Bella's future. The grief had made her a robot. She went through the motions of life, but she wasn't really alive. And then…nothing.

"Alice, keep going."

_I can't, Edward. Her future disappears there._

"Try, Alice. Let me know she'll be happy again."

_I am trying now. You see what I see. Nothing._

"No! Is she going to kill herself? Is that what it means?"

_I don't think so. I haven't seen her do anything to kill herself. There's a decision that hasn't been made yet. That's all._

"Okay. We have to leave her alone now. Remember your promise. No looking for her future."

_Of course. Come on, let's get out of here._

And we left. Love, life, reason, all left behind me in that small, rainy town with the only woman I would ever love.

_Goodbye, Bella. Goodbye, love._


	6. 5 A Project

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

JANUARY

"_Time is the fire in which we burn."  
-Delmore Schwartz_

5. A Project

My entire family was frustrated with me. None of them could stand to be around me. Not that I really cared. I didn't care about anything. It had been three months, and I was still grieving for my lost love. I had been irreversibly altered by her. I needed her, the way a flower needed the sun, the way the trees needed the rain. Leaving her was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, the hardest thing I ever would do. It was physically painful, even now. It took all of my energy every day not to run back and beg her forgiveness. I still saw her face in my mind every day. Still heard her voice every day.

In a strange way, it was comforting. I'd known I wouldn't forget her, but I'd been afraid that the memories would dim with time. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to know she was alive. I needed her to still exist. I could ask for that much, couldn't I?

I heard footsteps approaching. I didn't even look up to see who it was. I simply didn't care.

_You've gotta snap out of it sometime, kid. You made your choice, so now you have to live with it._

Emmett sat down next to me on the couch. I snarled at him. How dare he tell me to snap out of it? Wouldn't he be just as depressed if he'd had to leave Rosalie?

_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know how hard this has been for you._

"Don't worry about me, Emmett. I'm fine."

_Yeah, I can see just how _fine_ you are._ A minute passed. _You know, if you had something to do, something to keep your mind occupied, it might make this a little easier for you._

"What do you mean?"

_Get a project. Do something. Anything. I hate to see you like this, kid. Find something to occupy your time, to keep your mind off Be…off her._

They all knew better than to think or say _her_ name around me. It was a rule I had. I couldn't bear even hearing her name. It was too painful. I kept all of my memories of her locked up in a corner of my mind and only accessed them when _I _chose to.

But, despite Emmett's almost-slip, there was a certain sort of sense to what he said. I was pretty pathetic. Maybe if I did something besides just going through the motions of life, it would be easier, both on me and on them. I hated having my family have to deal with me like this, but I couldn't help it.

Well, I had always considered myself to be _her_ protector. Her guardian vampire. I was always trying to protect her from one thing or the other. Even leaving had been to protect her. Why couldn't I protect her now, even while I was away?

I didn't trust that redhead. The one who had been with James. What was her name? Oh, yes, Victoria. I had never been much good at tracking, but why couldn't I try? Make sure she didn't go near…that place. Maybe the fact that I wasn't good at it would be a good thing. It would force me to focus more on what I was doing and less on the agony I was in.

It wasn't such a horrible idea. And Emmett was right about one thing: I needed to do something. I wasn't doing anything. At all. Something about this little conversation woke me up.

I suddenly realized that I was thirsty. Very thirsty.

"Hey, you want to go hunting with me?"

_It's about time, kid. Do you realize that you haven't hunted once since we left?_

"I haven't?"

_Nope. You want the truth?_

"I don't know. Do I?"

_Probably not, but you need to hear it. You've barely done anything at all since we got here. You're acting like a zombie. I know we're undead creatures, but the rest of us have some sort of life._

I hadn't hunted in three months? Emmett had to be mistaken. I tried to remember the last time I'd hunted, though, and it seemed Emmett was right. The last time I could remember hunting was back in…that place.

It was worse than I thought. Emmett was definitely right. I needed a project. I would track Victoria and make sure that she stayed away from the town and the girl that I still so desperately loved.

"All right, come on. Let's go hunting," I told him.

We left, and I did try to be sociable on the trip. But it was hard work. I discovered that my social skills were a bit lacking.

"I'm going to track Victoria," I told Emmett when we'd finished hunting and were on our way back to the house.

"You're going to do _what_?" he asked me.

"Remember the redhead who was with James last spring?"

"Yes, I know exactly who you're talking about, but _why_?"

"Because I don't trust her," I said. "I'm afraid she might go after _her_."

"You _do _realize that Alice will see something like that, right? Even though she's not looking."

I pretended I didn't hear that. My excuses for doing something this dangerously stupid were flimsy enough as it was.

"I'm sorry, kid. I really am," Emmett said sympathetically. "I'm sorry about everything. I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now. I can imagine it, because I can imagine how I would feel if I had to leave Rose, but I don't really know what it's like."

"Thank you, Emmett," I said in a voice that sounded foreign to me.

"But don't do something stupid like this just because you have nothing better to do," he continued. "Think of Esme. She'd be devastated if something happened to you. Think of Alice, too. You know you're her favorite brother. You're her favorite sibling, period. She hasn't been the same since we left, either. You know how much Alice loved _her_. You've taken one person she loves away from her. Don't take yourself away from her, too."

"Emmett, you're the one who said I need to do something," I pointed out.

"I meant something constructive and normal. Like going for another degree or learning a new instrument or taking up basket weaving or fly fishing. Not being an idiot and risking your life tracking a vampire who probably isn't even a threat anymore."

I didn't say anything else for the entire rest of the trip home. I didn't know what _to _say.

Part of me knew this was childish and foolish and idiotic. But the other part of me really was convinced that I needed to track Victoria. Because part of me was convinced that Victoria _would_ do something to hurt my lost love.

I went into the living room after Emmett and I got back. Carlisle perked up a little at seeing the change in the color of my eyes.

"I'm going to track that redhead who was with James last spring. Victoria," I announced.

Carlisle was shocked. "You're going to do what?" _I think this is the first time he's spoken to anyone besides Alice the entire time we've been here._

"You heard me. I'm going to track Victoria. I need to do something."

Rosalie entered the room. "So your plan is to go track a lethally dangerous vampire? Not brilliant."

"Look, we killed her mate last spring. She can't be thrilled about that. And I can't risk Victoria hurting _her_."

"Are you suicidal?" Rosalie asked.

Yes. "I don't trust her, Rose. And if she does something to hurt…Bella"—I choked the name out—"I'll never forgive myself for not stopping her."

"Stop it, Rose," Carlisle said before Rosalie could say anything else. "If Edward thinks this is necessary, he needs to do it." _It's better than him doing nothing._

"It is necessary. And I need to do something. Anything. I have to get my mind off _her_."

"Of course, Edward," Carlisle said.

"I need your help. I haven't the faintest idea how to go about this."

"I'm not sure how much help I'll be. You might want to talk to Jasper. I'm sure he'll have a few pointers for you."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"Just promise me something, Edward. Promise you'll check in with us every now and then. Let us know you're okay. We all worry about you."

"I will. Thanks again." I headed off to find Jasper.

Alice was with Jasper when I found them in the backyard. They both had serious looks on their faces. Of course Alice would have seen what I was about to ask.

"We know why you're here, bro," Jasper said. "I understand where you're coming from, but I have to warn you. Tracking is dangerous. Very dangerous. If Victoria finds out you're tracking her—"

"You think I care about danger, Jazz? Really? My life has no meaning anymore."

"So you've decided to take on a suicide mission? Think about it, bro. Think of all of us. Don't be so selfish."

"I'll do my best to stay safe, but I need to protect _her_."

"Edward, Bella won't be protected if you're dead."

I winced and snarled at the sound of _her_ name.

_Oops. _"Sorry, bro. I didn't mean to say her name. I know it's hard for you to think about her."

"You're forgiven. I know you didn't mean to. It just hurts to hear it. It physically hurts. Jazz, what would you do if it was Alice who might be in danger? Would you care if it might put you in harm's way?"

"No, I wouldn't care. I guess I see your point."

"We'll come with you." It was Alice who spoke now.

"No, Alice."

"Edward, please let us come. At least for a little while. Jazz told me a little about tracking before you showed up. It sounds like it's something that's easier to show you than tell you. And it would give Carlisle and Esme some peace of mind if we came with you." _We can't let you go off alone, Edward. We worry about you. You're not entirely stable right now._

So I was the unstable one in the family. That title was usually reserved for Rosalie. It hurt to realize that this was exactly what I was. Unstable. And my family worried that I might do something to try to hurt myself if they let me go off alone.

Well, it would give Esme some peace of mind if Alice and Jasper were with me. And at least Alice and Jasper were sympathetic to my cause. And it probably would be nice to have some company. It would keep me from getting lost in my head too much.

"All right, you can come."

Alice smiled and came over to hug me. _Thank you, Edward. This will make it so much easier for Esme. And for me._

I wrapped my arms lightly around my favorite sister. It would be nice to have her for company. And Jasper wasn't so bad, either. At least he would know better than to crack jokes at something serious, unlike Emmett.

"When do you want to leave?" Jasper asked me.

"As soon as possible. I have to get out of here," I answered automatically.

"All right, then start packing. Keep in mind that we don't know where Victoria will go, so we need to be prepared for anything."

Of course he wasn't talking about clothes. Not even a snowstorm in sub-zero weather was cold to a vampire. We could walk around in swimsuits in that weather and be perfectly comfortable. But we might need some outdoors gear, like ice picks or rock climbing ropes and harnesses. If we had to climb up a snowy mountain or a steep wall of rock, we could do it without help from human devices, but they would make it much easier and quicker. And I didn't know how long we'd be gone, so I'd need to bring enough clothes to last me for a while.

About half an hour later, we were all packed and the entire family was assembled in the living room. Rosalie was still fuming. Emmett was shocked and disgusted with himself for suggesting that I get a project. Carlisle was resigned, and Esme was worried. Jasper was almost excited, while Alice was just concerned about me.

"Are you sure you have to do this, Edward?" Esme asked, her tone almost pleading.

"Yes, Mom, I do. Don't worry. Alice and Jasper won't let me do anything stupid."

Emmett cracked a smile, but, for once, his thoughts were serious. _You'd better not do anything stupid, kid. We don't want to lose you._

"Call us whenever you head somewhere new, so we have some idea of where you are," Carlisle requested.

"Of course, Carlisle," I promised him. If this was his only reaction to me leaving, I wouldn't begrudge him the comfort of knowing where I was. I'd left him and Esme once without telling them where I was going and I never wanted to inspire that kind of pain in my parents again.

"Where are you headed now?"

Jasper answered for me. "We thought we'd start in Denali, since we know Laurent went there. Maybe Tanya and her family will have some information."

"Good idea. Say hello to them for us."

"Of course."

"Be safe," Esme said, the anxiety clear in her voice. Carlisle wrapped an encouraging arm around her and pulled her close.

I fought to keep myself from wincing in pain. I had to get out of here. Now. That was one of the reasons I wanted to leave. I couldn't stand seeing the blatant displays of love and adoration that were rampant around the house.

It was worse than the gooiest romance movie imaginable, because it was real. No one was acting here. There was real love all around me, and my true and real love was on the other side of the country and I could never see her again.

Alice and Jasper weren't so bad. They knew it pained me to see it, so they severely limited their physical contact when they were around me. Not that their relationship was overly physical in nature anyway. Carlisle and Esme tried to be respectful of my pain, too, but they didn't seem to be able to help themselves. Emmett and Rosalie…were Emmett and Rosalie.

"We will," Alice promised her, taking my hand and squeezing it encouragingly. _It's okay, Edward. You'll be okay._

Sometimes I wondered if Alice couldn't read minds too. She always knew exactly what I was feeling. My pain must have been clear on my face, despite my efforts to keep it hidden.

Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, sensing my distress at Carlisle's blatant public display of affection. He made no attempt to calm me with his gift for controlling emotions, knowing it would only anger me later. Instead, he tried to soothe me with words. _I know, bro. I know it hurts. We'll be out of here soon._

Carlisle realized what was happening at the exact same time that Esme did. They pulled away from each other quickly, both of them thinking an apology to me.

I felt horrible that I was keeping them from doing what came naturally to them. But, much as I tried not to let it get to me, I couldn't stop the pain that stabbed me like a knife with every touch, every kiss I saw between them. That used to be me. But it never would be again.

"Call us when you get to Denali," Carlisle said.

"Of course," Alice promised, leading me toward the door. _Come on, Edward. Let's get you out of here._

"Bye," Jasper said as he started to follow us.

We walked out of the house, leaving our family behind us. I heard Emmett trying to mask his worries with jokes. I heard Rosalie's attempts at concealing her concerns with bitterness. I heard Esme's sad, frightened thoughts and her slight comfort as Carlisle took her back into his arms. Once again, I flinched. As we started to run, I realized just how glad I was to have Alice and Jasper with me. I didn't know what would become of me if I were left to my own devices.


	7. 6 Advances

6. Advances

As expected, the Denali clan greeted us, their second family, very warmly. They were thrilled to see us again. I was a bit surprised to find Laurent still with them. Laurent was friendly enough, and he seemed to have found his place here. He and Irina had become particularly close, almost as close as mates. Their relationship was certainly more than friendship, but it wasn't love. Not real love. I could tell the difference.

"Edward!" Tanya exulted when she saw us. She barely even noticed my brother and sister.

Oh, wonderful. Of course, once again, I hadn't been thinking straight when we'd come here. This made twice that I'd gotten Tanya's hopes up without meaning to. Part of me was ashamed, but part of me just wished she would take the hint.

"Hello, Tanya," I said politely. "It's good to see you again."

"To what do we owe the pleasure?" she asked.

"We're tracking someone, and we thought you might have some information on her whereabouts," Jasper answered.

Unwillingly, Tanya turned to look at my brother. "You thought _we_ might have information about someone you're tracking?" she asked skeptically. "Who is it?"

"Victoria," I told her. "She was in Laurent's coven."

Tanya was grateful for the excuse to look at me again. "Yes, we know Victoria. But we haven't heard from her in several months."

Well, so much for that plan. We'd just have to start from scratch.

"Will you stay for a few days, though? Laurent's still with us. He might know more than I do."

I hesitated and shot glances at Jasper and Alice, trying to decipher what they wanted.

_We haven't seen the Denalis in so long,_ Alice thought. _But if it will make you uncomfortable, we don't have to stay._

_I really don't care one way or the other,_ Jasper thought. _It's up to you and Alice._

I sighed. "Sure, I suppose we could stay for a little while."

That made Tanya happy. A little too happy. I instantly regretted my decision, but it was too late to back out now.

_You look like hell,_ Tanya thought as she walked up to me.

I was sitting on the same bank of snow I'd sat on when I'd come here before, when I'd run away from _her _the first time. Once again, I was haunted by _her_ face, but this time, it wasn't the curious, confused face that had haunted me during my previous visit. It was the memory of her agonized eyes on the day I'd left her. Those eyes…I would never, ever be able to get them out of my mind.

_Will you talk to me about it? _she asked.

"I…can't," I said apologetically. "It hurts to think about it."

_Sometimes talking about something helps you to get over it._

"It's a long story," I warned.

_I've got time._

"Well…I guess I should start at the beginning. Remember when I came here before? When I wouldn't talk about why I was here?"

"Of course I remember," she said, speaking aloud for the first time.

"Would you like to know now?"

"Sure."

"There was a girl I met in Forks, and the first time I met her, the only thing I registered was her scent. She smelled better to me than any other human I'd ever met. _Much_ better. It was all I could do not to jump up in front of the class full of children and kill her right then. After the biology class, I left, and I came here. I was afraid of killing her. But I didn't find any peace here. I kept seeing her face, kept thinking about her. Because I also couldn't read her thoughts, and it killed me not to know what she was thinking."

_So you killed her when you went back, _Tanya assumed.

"No. I didn't kill her. Alice saw me falling in love with her. And she saw only two futures for this girl: either I would kill her myself, or she would one day become one of us. Neither of these futures was something I was willing to accept for her. I wanted to leave again, because I knew how dangerous falling in love with her would be, but the others convinced me to stay, so I did. And, as usual, Alice was right."

_You fell in love with the human whose blood smelled so sweet to you?_

"Yes, I did. At first, I tried to ignore her. Or at least I pretended to. But that was all I could do. She was too interesting to just ignore. I didn't let her know that I was paying attention to her, but I did. I paid attention to everything about her, all of her conversations with her friends. I wanted to decipher her thoughts. And, in the process of deciphering her thoughts, I fell in love with her. I didn't realize it at first. All I knew was that I was horribly angry with the boy who kept trying to get her to date him, and that it hurt me to imagine her having a life, getting married, being human. I didn't know why.

"My resolve crumbled one night when I was watching her sleep."

_You watched her sleep?_ Tanya interrupted.

"Yes. Well, it was the first night I'd done that. But I discovered that she talked in her sleep, and I just couldn't resist the allure of hearing her unprotected thoughts.

"That night, the first night I watched her sleep, she said my name in her sleep. It was so clear that at first I thought she'd woken, but then she rolled over, sighed, and said my name again. And then she said, 'Stay, don't go.'"

It was horribly painful to be telling this story, but surprisingly, it was rather cathartic. And, although I knew Tanya was only feigning sympathy to try to get me into her bed, it was nice to talk to someone about it. To tell the whole story, the pleasant and the unpleasant. The longing, the pain, the love.

_So then you decided to do something about this unrequited love,_ she guessed.

I chuckled. "Right. Only the love wasn't unrequited, I found. Bella cared for me, too. And so, although I knew it was wrong, I allowed myself to love her. I was scared at first. I didn't let myself touch her, not even lightly. I was terrified that I would hurt or even kill her, because I would be too forceful. Then I slowly became more comfortable with it, and I slowly allowed myself to touch her. I even eventually got brave enough to kiss her. Not forcefully, just lightly, but still."

_Did she ever figure out what you are?_

"Yes, she did. And she didn't care. I tried to convince her that I was dangerous, that it wasn't safe for us to be together, but she refused to listen to me. And part of me was immensely grateful for that. Because the love we shared was like nothing else in this world. It was intense, beautiful, and true."

_So what happened? Why are you so upset now? And what does any of this have to do with Victoria? You don't seem the type to just decide to track someone at random, so I'm guessing that Victoria has something to do with this girl._

"Victoria comes in because the girl was with me and my family one day while we were playing baseball. Laurent was in a small coven led by a vampire named James. The only other person who was in the coven was Victoria, James's mate. They were in the area, and they heard us playing baseball. They wanted to play with us, so they came to the clearing where we were. But, instead of a friendly game of baseball, James decided to play another game: tracking the human who was protected by a large coven of vampires."

_I'm assuming this girl had a name. What was it? _Tanya asked suddenly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. It hurts to think about her, and it hurts even worse when I hear or say her name. So I try not to. Her name was…Bella." It burned my throat coming out. I winced in pain.

_I'm sorry. I didn't realize it would hurt you to remember,_ Tanya thought sympathetically. _Keep going. What happened next?_

"My entire family separated and all tried to protect her. I went with Carlisle and Emmett to track down James. Alice and Jasper took her to Phoenix, where her mother was. And Rosalie and Esme stayed in Forks to protect the girl's father.

"To make a long story short, James figured out that she was in Phoenix, lured her away from Alice and Jasper, and if I hadn't already been on my way to Phoenix because I just couldn't bear being away from her anymore, I would have been too late to save her. The future Alice saw of her becoming one of us would have come to pass. James bit her before I could get him off of her. But I somehow sucked the venom out of her without killing her. I heard her voice, calling my name, and that voice was the only thing that could have touched me then. Hearing her voice made me stop, because I realized that if I kept drinking her blood, I would never hear that beautiful voice again."

_Wow. You're telling me that you stopped drinking this girl's blood, the blood that smelled sweeter to you than any other human's blood, because you heard her voice?_

"Yes."

_So what happened with James?_

"Emmett and Jasper took care of him while Carlisle, Alice, and I tended to _her_."

_And Victoria? Where does she fit into this picture?_

"She tried to help James by staying in Forks and finding information about _her._ She ran off like a bat out of hell after we killed James."

_What happened with the girl after you saved her?_

"She and I stayed together for about six more months. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was dangerous for her to be with me, but she wanted to be with me, and I wasn't strong enough to stay away from her, so I let it happen. It was beautiful, the best time of my life."

_Obviously you aren't still with her. What happened?_

"It was her birthday, and she was over at our house. Alice had wrapped some presents for her, and she gave herself a paper cut. Jasper lost his focus and nearly killed her. He felt horrible about it, but that night, I realized how dangerous it really was for her, being with me. Being around my family. So I left her. I left her because I loved her."

I started shuddering again, going to pieces. So much for this helping me. Saying the last part out loud had made it intensely painful. I couldn't take it.

Tanya wrapped one arm around my shoulders. As she meant it as no more than a sympathetic gesture, I didn't flinch away.

_I'm so sorry, Edward. I don't know what to say. I wish I did, but I don't. I can't imagine what you're going through._

"It's agony, Tanya. Every day. I try not to think about her, but I can't help it. I keep thinking it will get easier with time, but it just gets harder. Every day is harder than the one before. It's all I can do not to go back, tell her that everything I told her was a lie, and beg her to take me back."

_What did you tell her?_

I couldn't speak.

_I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to._

"I should, though," I managed to choke out. "Maybe it will help."

_Take your time._

Finally, I stopped the sobs and convulsions enough to tell her. "When I told her we were leaving, she told me that she would come with me. And I lied to her; I lied and told her that I didn't want her. I thought…I thought that if she thought I'd moved on, she would, too."

_How did you do it?_

"I don't know, Tanya. I really don't. But the worst part…" I broke off into sobs again.

Tanya rubbed my shoulder lightly.

"The worst part," I tried again. "The worst part was that she believed me. She believed me right away. I'd thought I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant a seed of doubt in her head. I'd told her how much I loved her so many times. But I could see it in her eyes, Tanya. She honestly _believed_ that I didn't want her anymore. I don't understand it, even now. It doesn't make sense to me. And her eyes…the way they looked that day. It's been torturing me ever since. I can't get the way she looked that day out of my mind."

_So why are you tracking Victoria? _Tanya asked, trying to distract me.

"I don't trust her, and I can't risk her going back to Forks."

_Understandable._

I didn't say anything else.

_Do you want some time alone?_

I nodded.

_I'll leave you, then. I really am sorry, Edward._

As Tanya left, I saw that she really was sorry for me, but she still hadn't completely given up the idea of trying to get me into her bed. It was enough to make me sick.

When I finally went back to the house, I found Laurent there. He was surprisingly supportive when I told him the story. Having to tell the whole story again was excruciating, worse than when I'd told Tanya, but I recognized the necessity.

"Of course I see your side," Laurent told me after I begged him to understand why I had to track Victoria. "You love her and you want to protect her. Any of us would do the same for a vampire mate. Why can you not do so for your human mate?"

"So will you help me?"

"Yes, of course. I was quite ashamed of Victoria when she joined with James to hunt your little human. What she gets will be no more than what she deserves."

"I do not plan to harm her, not unless her plans involve hurting…Bella," I choked out the name.

"You're very merciful, after what her mate did to yours."

"Yes, her mate. Not her. Her mate is dead, and I have no quarrel with her."

"Again, you're very merciful. Last I heard, she was somewhere around the Grand Canyon. A rather bizarre place for a vampire, don't you think?"

"Indeed." _But far away from _her, _which is all I care about_. "Thank you, Laurent. You've been much kinder than I expected."

"Any friend of Irina's is a friend of mine," he answered, and then got up to find his new mate.

Another week went by. Jasper, Alice, and I decided to go out for a hunting trip before we left. Alice and Jasper went off separately from me, to get a little privacy, as they put it. I knew what that really meant, and it hurt to know it, but I couldn't begrudge them their time to…be together. It was the least I could do for them since they were putting up with my moping. I tried to go off by myself to have time to let the misery have me. In a strange way, I wanted to be miserable. It reminded me that my love was out there somewhere.

The humans had a saying: "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I guessed that was true. I wished I could have had more time with _her_, but I would be forever grateful for the gift of love she had given me, and for the few short months I'd been able to spend with her. Those months had been the epitome of my existence. And sometimes, it was nice to remember. But, in case I broke down, I had to be alone when I was remembering. This hunting trip seemed like the perfect time to unlock one of the memories.

It would have been a great plan, but of course Tanya couldn't pass up the chance to be alone with me. I sighed as I heard her approach and smelled her scent behind me. I looked back, and she was racing to catch up to me, rather scantily clad. I turned my head back forward and rolled my eyes. Honestly, what was she thinking? That just because she wore a short skirt and low-cut top, I would break my ties with _her_? I'd thought that Tanya had more sense than that.

"Edward, wait," I heard her call behind me.

I sighed. I guessed there was no help for it. Perhaps a harsh talking-to was what she needed. Maybe that would drum it into her thick skull that I was not, never had been, and never would be interested in a relationship with her. I slowed so she could catch up with me.

"I didn't want to let you go off alone. I see you when you're alone, and you're always sad, always thinking about her. I figured some company might change that."

She was already irritating me. _Perhaps, if that company wasn't trying to get into my pants._ "Thanks, Tanya, but I'd like to be by myself for a while."

"If you try not to think about her, it might make it easier," she said, placing a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it a little too tightly for my liking. _I could help you with that, if you like._

_I can't believe the nerve._ "Believe me, I've tried. But it's impossible not to think about her."

"If you want to talk, I'm here to listen." _I can be very sensitive..._

She must have been very desperate if she was willing to listen to me mourn for my lost love _again_ just so she could have a better chance of getting into bed with me. But the second thing would never happen, and I did need to talk again. I figured I'd take advantage of the offer, hoping to let Tanya down easily. I didn't really want to hurt her. She was like family. If I told her again about how much _she_ still meant to me, maybe Tanya would get the hint.

"Sure. Thanks. I just…I can't see how to live without her, Tanya. She was my life. She still is. I don't know what to do with myself without her. Even this tracking…it seems utterly meaningless. And there's no reward at the end of it. It's not like I can ever see her again once I've found Victoria."

"But there is a reward. You'll know that Bella's safe."

I winced. The name. I thought I'd made it clear not to say the name.

"What's wrong?" _Can I make it better?_

_You know _exactly_ what's wrong, and no, you most definitely cannot make it better._ "Sorry, it just hurts to hear her name. Even when I think about her, I don't think her name."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I want to help you."

"I don't think you can help. I don't think anyone can."

"Let me try," she said seductively, moving closer, like she was going in for a hug. I read her intentions in her thoughts, but before I could back away, her lips were on mine.

I pushed her back with enough force to land her flat on her back and growled menacingly. How _dare_ she? The look on her face was shocked and hurt. But I didn't feel bad. When had I _ever_ given her the idea that I was interested in her or her advances? I ran off, leaving the whore behind me.

When I had returned from hunting, Alice and Jasper were waiting with our bags packed.

Alice's thoughts were sympathetic. _I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't see in time to warn you. She decided at the last minute. We came back to pack up as soon as I saw. It was all we could do._

"It's okay. Just get me out of here. Now."

Tanya showed up behind them. I growled at her.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know what I was thinking. Please forgive me for being so insensitive._

I hissed, but then sighed. "It's alright, Tanya. I'm sorry if I gave you the idea that I was interested in anything other than your friendship."

_You didn't. I just…I guess I let myself hope for something more when I'd heard that you were, well, available, again. But you weren't available, and I know now that you never will be. It was stupid and insensitive and unforgivable and I'm utterly ashamed of myself. I'll never behave like that again. I know you're beyond furious with me now, but I hope that, in time, you'll come to see me as a cousin again. And I hope that one day you can somehow find comfort again. _

"Thank you, Tanya. But we can't stay. We've already stayed longer than we should have."

_I know. Look, what Laurent told you was wrong. Victoria's not anywhere near the Grand Canyon. She's in the Appalachian Mountains. We just heard from her recently. I'm sorry I lied to you before. I was just…well, I think you know what I was thinking._

"It's all right, Tanya," I told her.

_Anyway, Laurent's still her friend, so he's trying to protect her. But you're family, and so is _she_ because she means so much to you. You come before Laurent and Victoria. I hope you find Victoria, and I hope she doesn't hurt _her_._

"Thank you, Tanya. I appreciate it more than you know. Goodbye."

"Goodbye," she said, out loud this time.

Jasper was confused. _What was _that _all about?_

I caught his eye and mouthed the word "later" to him. I wouldn't embarrass Tanya any more than she was already, and I wouldn't cause any trouble for her with Laurent. That was sure to happen if he knew she'd helped us.

"Goodbye, Tanya," I said again. "Say goodbye to the others for us. Thank you for your hospitality."

"Goodbye. You know our door is always open to you."

I nodded at her and broke into a full-scale run away from their house. Alice and Jasper followed without a word. When we were safely out of hearing distance, I stopped running. My brother and sister stopped, too, waiting for an explanation.

"What did Tanya tell you, besides apologizing for assaulting you in the woods?" Jasper asked. "Anything useful?"

"Yes, actually. Something very useful. Laurent lied to me. They must have told him that I could read minds, because even his thoughts were lying to me. Victoria's nowhere near the Grand Canyon. As a matter of fact, she's on the other side of the country. She's in the Appalachian Mountains."

Alice laughed. "I thought the Grand Canyon sounded like a strange place for a vampire," she said when she'd gotten control of herself. She sighed. "I wish I could _see_ something about her. But the Denali clan must have told her about my gift, too, because she's somehow making it impossible to see what she's doing or where she is."

"Well, North Carolina is the best lead we have right now," Jasper said. "I say we follow it."

"I agree," I said, desperate to be out of Alaska. Even though Tanya had apologized, I hadn't completely forgiven her, and I wanted out of there as soon as possible.


	8. 7 Trail

7. Trail

Although we didn't think Victoria would do anything quite as obvious as going on the main trail, we weren't leaving anything to chance. We figured it was better to make ourselves known anyway. So, backpacking gear in hand, we walked up to the ranger station under the safe cover of thick clouds to pay our way for our excursion in the Appalachian Mountains.

"Sorry, guys, but the trail's been closed indefinitely," said the young ranger at the station.

_Let me handle this, Edward_. Alice stepped forward with a blinding smile on her face. Jasper and I shared a silent chuckle.

"What's happening?" Alice asked the ranger.

"Well, there have been a bunch of hikers going missing on the trail." _And it's just…weird._

"Really? Any idea what's happening to them?"

"Well…this one hiker…he was found a few days ago. Dead. And it was really weird. Like all the blood had been sucked out of his body. Not a drop of blood anywhere."

Jasper and I exchanged a glance before turning back to look at the ranger.

"That _is_ weird," Alice said. _How much you want to bet we're on the right track?_

"Don't think I'm crazy, but I think it's a vampire."

"What?" _WOW. This is…strange._ "What makes you say that?"

"Well, why else would this hiker look like all the blood got sucked out of him?"

"How do you know that?"

"I was the ranger on call and I had to go take a look."

"Oh."

"Another thing? There were bite marks on his neck. Human bite marks."

_Yep, we're definitely on the right track_. "If we tell you we'll take our chances, will you let us past?"

"You really want to go on the trail when there's a vampire loose in the woods?"

"You don't really believe in vampires, do you?"

"I'm sort of obsessed. I've read tons of stories about them and I have a ton of books on hunting them and stuff."

"Well, we'll still take our chances."

To our great inconvenience, the sun broke through the clouds ever so slightly then, shining a beam of light right on Jasper's face. The look on the ranger's face turned from mischievous to terrified in a split second. Apparently he had read the right stories.

"It's okay," Alice said, trying to pacify him. "We won't hurt you."

"But you're…you're…"

"Yes, we are. But we don't hurt people."

"I don't believe you."

"Look, our family is different from most of our kind. We survive on animals. We were actually tracking the vampire who killed that guy. Your story just told us that we're on the right track."

A little color returned to the ranger's face as he responded. "But…I can't trust you to go on the trail. How do I know you're not lying to me?"

_Sorry, Edward, but I have to. This is going to get us on the trail._ "I'm so terribly sorry. We haven't really met, have we? I'm Alice, and this is my mate, Jasper, and my brother, Edward. What's your name?"

"Uh…Mitch."

"Well, Mitch, let me tell you a little story about Edward. It was his idea to track this other vampire. Her name's Victoria."

Oh, for the love of all that was holy! Alice was going to tell this vampire-obsessed kid about _her_. Wasn't there another way to get us on the trail?

"Okay." Mitch's voice was still shaking from fear.

_I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry._ "Well, Edward fell in love with a human. Her name's Bella."

I flinched at the sound of _her_ name, and Jasper put an encouraging hand on my shoulder and I suddenly felt very calm. _Sorry, bro, but I can see why she's doing this. You can have some time to yourself after we get on the trail._

"He fell in love with a human?" Mitch asked, curious now.

"Yes. We all loved her. The whole family did. But one day when we were playing a game of baseball, we ran into some others of our kind. Bella was with us, and one of the other vampires, James, wanted to kill her. James was Victoria's mate. Edward protected Bella, and James was intrigued, so he decided to track them. Of course, Victoria joined him in the hunt. Our entire family teamed up to protect Bella. Edward and our father, Carlisle, and our brother, Emmett, hunted them. Jasper and I went with Bella to Phoenix, and if Edward and the rest of our family hadn't gotten there in time, Bella would have been killed, or become one of us."

"Wow."

"James had bitten her, but Edward didn't want her to become one of us. Somehow, he managed to suck the venom out of her without killing her. He loved her so much that the desire to save her, to be with her, overrode even his thirst. Jasper and our brother Emmett killed James while Edward was saving Bella."

"This is incredible."

"Edward stayed with Bella for about six months after that, but on her birthday, she was at our house celebrating when she gave herself a paper cut while she was opening one of her presents. Jasper almost killed her. Somehow, we all managed to control ourselves, except for Jasper, but Emmett restrained him so he wouldn't kill Bella."

"I felt horrible," Jasper interjected. "I still do."

Mitch was sitting there, completely mesmerized by the story of my unorthodox love for a human girl and how, instead of killing her, I had saved her. I stood there, frozen in my agony as I listened to Alice say _her_ name time and again. Each time, it was like she was stabbing a dagger into my heart.

"Well, Edward thought it over that night and decided that we needed to leave Bella, for her own safety. It was hard, especially for Edward. It still is. We all miss her every day. Edward was basically catatonic for about a month. But then he remembered that Victoria was still alive and decided to track her in case she went back to kill Bella as some sort of retribution."

"Wow," was all Mitch could manage to say. He was still shocked.

"So, can we please get on the trail? We really don't want to lose Victoria, and your story has confirmed the lead we got."

"S-s-sure. Just go."

"Thank you, Mitch," Alice said, flashing another smile as she walked to my side and gently squeezed my hand. _I'm so sorry, Edward. I wish there had been another way. It was hard for me to tell it, too._

We ran off to the head of the trail with inhuman speed. As soon as we were on the trail, I ran off into the woods, going so deep into them it would have been impossible to find the path again had it not been for the scent. And I fell on my knees and started to shudder. Alice dropped to her knees beside me. It had hurt her, too. Not nearly as badly as it hurt me, but telling the story had somehow made it more real to her. It had made it sink in that we could never see _her_ again.

Jasper had gone off to give me and Alice some time and to try to catch Victoria's scent on the trail. He came back to find us a few hours later with a smile on his face. He had found something.

He put his hand on Alice's shoulder and she looked at him as he spoke. "I found a fresh trail a few miles up. Just hours old. I walked with human speed on the way up there to make sure I wouldn't miss anything."

I perked up at this news. We had found Victoria, and she was on the opposite side of the country from my love. I stood up slowly as I spoke. "All right, then. Let's go."

We took off running. I was sure I wouldn't miss Victoria's scent while I was running, and I was right. I didn't. The trail Jasper had found was mere hours old, and we started to follow it through the mountains.

Occasionally, in the few days that followed, we would find a dead hiker and call back to the ranger station to report it. Mitch always seemed to be the one on duty at the time, and I was starting to wonder if he was insisting on being there. He didn't completely believe that we weren't the ones killing these people, although Alice telling him about _her_ had helped that a great deal.

As these days went by and we saw more and more of Mitch, I started to understand why it had been necessary for him to know about it. Alice was trying to show him that we lived among humans and formed relationships with them. Real, lasting relationships. If we were able to form relationships with humans, how could we kill them?

Victoria's scent led us through the mountains and north. I started to worry when she began to head west, but if Victoria were to go back to…that place, well, I could protect _her_ more by being with her. But I wouldn't let myself hope for it. I couldn't. If I hoped and it came to nothing, it would kill me. I stayed focused on the pursuit.

On the sunny days when we couldn't risk being seen, we found a patch of woods to settle in, or we would either find a very remote patch of woods or, if we were too close to a town, get a hotel room (sometimes two—one for me and one for Alice and Jasper) and stay cooped up in there for the whole day. These days were the most dangerous for two reasons.

First, Victoria wasn't as careful as we were. She didn't have to be. She could just have anyone who saw her for her next meal. So she was getting further away from us.

Second, not actively tracking made it easier for me to think about _her_. It was getting harder and harder to live without her. I was past trying to make it through a week without breaking down. It wasn't possible. I focused on making it through the day. Sometimes, my will overrode my desire to let the misery have me, but not very often. Most days, I would break down into silent, tearless sobs at least once. It was agony. I was positive that I couldn't survive like this for much longer.

On one of these sunny days, when we were in a deep patch of forest, way farther out than any human would go, Alice came and sat beside me. Of course, I was sobbing tearless sobs for my love. She put her arm around me and lay her head on my shoulder, trying to comfort me with her silent presence. But her thoughts betrayed that she was hurting, too, so it wasn't much comfort.

"Edward, I can't stand to see you like this," she said after a few minutes of silence.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm trying. I really am."

"I know you are. I don't think I've ever seen someone try so hard in my entire existence. But it's not going to get any easier as time goes on."

I sighed. "I know. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

"Then don't."

"What?"

"Edward, do you really think we're that dangerous to her? Honestly? Really, I think she's in more danger without us."

"Alice, don't."

"None of us will hurt her. Jazz will leave the house every time she comes over if he has to. But we can't stand seeing you in this kind of agony. And don't think it's not almost as hard for me to be away from her as it is for you. I love her, too, Edward. She was like a sister to me. And she was my best friend."

"Please, Alice. Don't make this any harder for me than it already is," I pleaded. Didn't she realize how hard I was already trying not to bolt back there right this second?

"Look, we'll find Victoria. But then, please consider going back. For your sake. For all our sakes. And for her sake too."

"I can't, Alice. We can't."

"Please think about it, Edward."

"I do think about it. Every day. But we're too much of a danger to her. She's more important than my selfish desires."

"Edward, she's essential to your survival."

"Alice, please don't do this to me."

"I'm sorry," she said, and then she was quiet.

Alice wrapped her other arm around me in a sisterly embrace as she let the dry heaves have her, too. My poor sister. She was suffering almost as much as I was. That was almost enough to make me go back. I could handle my own pain, no matter how agonizing, but I'd never been able to cope well with people I loved being in pain, physical or emotional.

The clouds started to come in then, and Alice and I took off to find Jasper, and then the three of us continued on our quest to find Victoria. It took us a while, but we caught her trail again. This time, she was headed south. Again, away from _her_, thank goodness. But part of me wondered if she hadn't figured out we were tracking her. If she had, she was probably leading us on a wild goose chase as a diversion. But a diversion from what?


	9. 8 Lead

8. Lead

Of all the places for Victoria to go, she had to choose Texas. Houston, no less. We had to stay indoors practically all day, looking for Victoria only at night. We knew she was here in Houston, because I had been reading the minds of people who didn't know I could read minds, but _where_ in Houston she was, we had no idea.

On a rare cloudy day, Jasper and Alice decided to go into town and shop. I was never in the mood to be around anyone, but they didn't want to leave me alone, so I agreed to go into a nearby bar and wait for them. I drank water, because it was easy enough to get back up later, and ordered some mundane human food, hiding pieces in my napkin when I was positive no one was looking. I couldn't be too obvious. The legends and stories about vampires they had here were too strong. Anything that wasn't completely human behavior would immediately start suspicions. I couldn't have that happen. I sat in a corner, wallowing in my misery as usual.

Later in the afternoon, when I was starting to get strange stares from the bartender and servers because I had been there for so long, and when I was starting to wonder what had become of Jasper and Alice, someone else walked into the bar. From the scent, I immediately recognized her as a vampire. She apparently smelled me, too, because she walked over to me and sat down without asking. It was only then that I looked up. It was Maria, Jasper's creator.

"Hello, Edward," Maria greeted me.

"Hello, Maria," I said, a little more coldly than was necessary.

"How are you?" she asked.

A perfectly ordinary question. But how could I answer it? _I'm in constant agony every day, have been for months, and will be for the rest of my limitless existence_. No, that wouldn't do. But nor could I say I was fine. Because I wasn't, and I knew I couldn't lie convincingly enough. So I gave my best shot at an answer that didn't make me sound like I belonged in a mental hospital.

"I'm surviving," I answered.

"Will you tell me about the girl?"

What? How did Maria know about _her_? Something wasn't right here.

"How do you know that?" I whispered.

"Jasper told me a little. I ran into him on the street and I was quite shocked to see him here. I asked him what he was doing here and he told me the story. He said you were still very upset."

"Yes." I was cautious now. This didn't seem like the kind of thing Jasper would have told Maria after having just run into her on the street.

"Tell me about her. I'm extremely curious."

"Is there somewhere more private we can talk? This isn't the best place for that conversation."

"Of course. Why don't we go back to my place?" she asked, a seductive tone in her voice.

This was strange, very strange. "Would you excuse me for a moment? I'll meet you outside shortly."

"Yes, of course," she said politely.

I paid my bill and headed toward the bathroom, throwing the scraps in the trash can there. I went into a stall and pulled out my cell phone, quickly hitting Jasper's number on the speed dial.

"Hey, bro," Jasper answered after just one ring. "We were just coming to meet you. What's going on?"

"Jazz, look, before I do something I'll regret, tell me something," I said in a very hushed whisper. It was probably futile, but if at all possible, I wanted to keep Maria from hearing this conversation.

"What?"

"Did you run into any old friends today?"

"No, why?"

I hesitated, and then decided the truth was best. Anything we could use to our advantage, we needed. If Maria had run into Victoria, maybe Jasper could coerce some information out of her. "Maria's here in the bar with me. She entered and recognized me right away. Sat down and asked me if I wanted to talk about…about…Bella," I choked the name out. "She said that she'd run into you and that you'd told her about our situation. It didn't sound like you to tell her that after just running into her on the street, so I got worried."

"You're right. It definitely wasn't me who told her about you or about…about _her_. Well, at least we know Victoria is or was here somewhere. Maybe I can get some information out of Maria. What did you tell her?"

"I asked her if there was somewhere more private where we could continue the conversation. She asked me to accompany her back to her place, and then I excused myself to call you."

"All right, we'll meet you at her place then. I know the way."

"Can we trust her?"

"I don't know how much you can trust her, but you can trust her enough to tell her a little about _her_, just to stall. She'll find your story interesting enough that she won't want any information about anything else."

"Are you sure this is safe? That Maria's not working with Victoria?"

"It's possible, but this is the best lead we've had in a while."

"True. I'll see you at Maria's, then."

"Be careful, bro. She's not stupid. She knows how to get what she wants out of you."

"I will be. See you soon." I hung up the phone.

When I emerged, Maria was outside, waiting for me.

"I'm sorry about that," I told her. "I was supposed to meet Jasper here and I didn't want him to worry when he saw I wasn't here."

"Will he be meeting us, too, then?"

"I hope that's alright."

"Of course. It will be good to see him. I haven't seen him in so long."

When Maria and I got to her place, Alice and Jasper were already waiting for us.

"Hello, Jasper. It's good to see you again," Maria greeted him. "Hello, Alice."

"Hello, Maria. It's good to see you too," Jasper greeted her, wrapping his arm tightly around Alice. I flinched and he let go of Alice, keeping only her hand. _Sorry, bro, but I need to act like everything's normal here._

"Hi, Maria," Alice responded politely. _No wonder you were creeped out, Edward. I would have been too. She's acting a little…strange._

I smiled. Yeah, just a little strange.

"Shall we?" asked Maria, gesturing toward the door.

"Of course," Jasper said, eyeing me. _Something's not right here. She's not usually this formal. You thinking what I'm thinking, bro?_

I nodded slightly at Jasper, just enough so he could see that I was agreeing with him. So it had been as I suspected. Maria had met Victoria. I wondered how close they'd gotten and whether Maria was part of Victoria's plot. I knew that Maria was not nearly as small and dainty as she looked (she was about Alice's size), and that she could kill all of us quickly if she were so inclined. I prayed to whatever god might still listen to a soulless monster that her old ties with Jasper would be enough to save us. Not so much for my sake, but for my family's. Nonexistence would be better than the agony I was in every day, but it would kill my family if the three of us died, or whatever it was that vampires did when they ceased to exist.

"So, Edward, you promised me a story," Maria said when we had all made ourselves comfortable. "I'm extremely curious about this girl Jasper told me about." She eyed Jasper, begging him silently to play along.

Jasper looked at me. _Go ahead and tell her as much as you feel comfortable with. Let's just play along and see where this takes us. Much as I don't want to, I can kill Maria easily if this takes us in a direction I don't like._

"Well," I began, "we were living in a small town in Washington. Our father, Carlisle, was working at the local hospital."

"Ah. A great place to find fresh blood."

I snorted. I'd forgotten that Maria didn't know about Jasper's new lifestyle. "No, it's not like that. Our family has a different way of living. We only drink the blood of animals."

"How do you manage to keep it up? When there is human blood around you all the time?"

"It's not without effort, but we don't want to kill people."

_Well, Jasper really has changed._ "Oh. I'm sorry, continue with your story."

"The four of us who could pull it off enrolled in our local high school. That's where I met…Bella," I forced myself to say her name. "At first, I was attracted to her because of her scent. She smelled a million times better than the sweetest blood I had ever smelled. But I couldn't disappoint Carlisle by killing her, so I refrained. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, not killing her."

Maria's shock at the fact that I had refrained from drinking _her_ blood was wordless.

I decided to leave out the part about me not being able to read _her_ mind. If Maria didn't already know that I could read minds (and she didn't seem to), that would work to our advantage. Because then I would know if she was lying to us.

"But I'm so glad I didn't. I fell in love with her. And, when she figured out what I was—with a little help from a friend of hers—she didn't care. She fell in love with me, too. It was a beautiful, intense kind of love. And my entire family loved her, too, except for my sister Rosalie."

Alice and Jasper chuckled.

I didn't know if I could go on. It was too painful to remember the next parts, and beginning to tell the story was already more agony than I'd ever thought I could bear. But Maria needed to hear the rest of the story for a couple of reasons. First, I couldn't leave her hanging like that. And second, maybe this would generate some sympathy for our cause and Maria would tell us what she knew about Victoria. But I couldn't be the one to tell the story.

"I'm sorry to be so rude, but is it all right if I leave and Jasper finishes the story? It hurts too much to remember the rest of it."

"Of course. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it would be painful for you. Can you find your way out all right?"

"Yes, thank you," I said, rising to leave.

Alice looked at me, concerned. _Do you want me to come with you?_

I shook my head. I needed some time alone.

_Okay. We'll call you when we're done here so we can meet you somewhere._

I nodded at Alice, grateful that she didn't force her company on me. Then I turned to Maria. "It was very nice to see you again, Maria. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay longer."

"It was nice to see you as well, Edward. I hope we can meet again soon, in happier circumstances."

I gave a feeble smile as I headed towards the door. Once I was out, I ran at human speed until I got to the edge of town. Then I took off running at vampire speed to the desert. When the misery was too much to bear, I lay down and started to shudder. I was finishing the story in my head, and it hurt. It hurt so badly. I would rather die than feel this kind of pain again.

Very carefully, I pulled a memory out of the locked box in my brain, the one that housed all my memories of _her._ The first time she had come to meet my family. Despite the awkwardness of the introductions, it had been one of the best days of my life. But then Alice's joke leapt to mind. _"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share."_ I cringed, remembering the reason for me being away from her in the first place, and a new wave of dry heaves came over me. Wrong memory.

I tried a different one. The first night I had watched her sleep. When I had realized that I loved her. That was a good memory. No pain involved there. I settled for that one, letting my mind linger on the details, trying to forget the agony I was in.

A few hours later, Alice and Jasper showed up, without the forewarning of the promised phone call. Of course, Alice had seen where I was. I was lying on the ground, shuddering again. I wouldn't be able to keep this up for much longer. I would have to go back.

No, I couldn't. I had to live like this. Alice put her hand on my shoulder, while Jasper helped me up to a sitting position. I let myself fall into Alice's waiting arms, taking a slight comfort in her sisterly embrace as I continued to shudder. Jasper put an encouraging hand on my back. They let me cry, or the equivalent of it, for a while.

It was Jasper who finally broke the silence. "We got Maria to tell us where Victoria is," he said. "She went down to Rio de Janeiro."

"Carlisle called us while we were on our way here," Alice said, trying to distract me. "Everyone's meeting up in Denali for spring break. Why don't we go up there first? It would be nice to see the family."

"I can't, Alice. You guys go ahead. We'll meet up again in Rio. I just can't be around Carlisle and Esme. And especially not Emmett and Rosalie. It's hard enough being around you guys sometimes, and I know how much you hold back for my sake. Not to mention that Tanya's advances sickened me. I'm not sure if I can risk that kind of pain again, the pain of another woman trying to seduce me. There's only one person I would ever want to do that, and…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I started sobbing tearless sobs again.

Alice kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back gently, trying to soothe me with wordless thoughts of calm, while Jasper moved from his squatting position to take a seat by my side.

"Look, why don't you go to Rio, and we'll meet you there after a week or so in Denali?" he suggested when I had calmed down a little. I couldn't tell if he helped me calm down or not.

That sounded like a good compromise. I'd let Alice and Jasper have their time with our family, and I'd have a week or so alone to wallow in my misery.

"All right," I agreed.

"Let's get out of here," Alice said. "You look pathetic." She tried to smile.

I tried to smile back, but it came out as a grimace.

We went back to our hotel for the night, and, in my room alone, I let the misery have me again. I was past trying to make it through even the day now. I was fighting to make it through a single hour.

Right and wrong were ceasing to mean much to me now. I needed _her_. There was nothing else in the world but that reality. She was the only thing in the world that made sense, and without her, my world was senseless. I knew staying away from her was the right thing to do. But I no longer cared. I needed her too much to care about what was the right thing anymore. I couldn't hurt her. And, if I were honest with myself, neither could anyone else in my family.

Maybe I would take Alice's advice. Once we found Victoria, I would go back to that town, back to the girl I was so desperately, wretchedly in love with. This gave me a little hope, but not much. Because we still needed to _find_ Victoria.

The next day, we were at the airport, buying tickets for our respective destinations.

"Remember," Jasper told me, "don't be afraid to look up old contacts and ask around. You don't completely have to rely on your sense of smell and your instincts."

"And if you find her, call us immediately," Alice chimed in. "After all this time trying to find her, we want a piece of her too."

I tried to laugh, but failed miserably. Laughing just wasn't something I did these days. Not since I'd been with _her_.

"If you want us to come with you, we will," Jasper offered, sensing my distress.

"No, it's okay. You guys don't have to miss out on seeing the family just because seeing public displays of affection physically hurts me."

Alice rubbed my back encouragingly. _I hate seeing you like this. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away, but I know there isn't. I'm so sorry._

I suddenly felt a wave of calm come over me, and I knew it was Jasper using his gift of controlling emotions to try to comfort me. But it didn't really work. I still saw _her_ face, still remembered _her_ voice. I never wanted to forget, but I wished I couldn't remember. I wanted to remember her on my terms, when I chose to, not just whenever her face decided to pop into my mind.

Our gates were at the opposite ends of the airport, so we said goodbye after going through security. Then I was by myself, with nothing and no one but my dark thoughts for company. I let the misery consume me. I remembered everything. Every day, every touch, every kiss, every word. And I wished desperately that I could have more than my memories of her with me now, even if only for a moment.


	10. 9 I Die Without You

9. I Die Without You

My cell phone buzzed.

I was irritated with whoever it was for interrupting my moment. I was remembering that day in the meadow with _her_, the first time she had seen me in the sunlight. How perfect it was. I remembered how amazing her fingertips felt, tracing unseen patterns on my arm. How it felt to hold her in my arms. Our first kiss after she'd ridden on my back through the forest.

My phone buzzed again. With a groan, I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the number.

Why was Rosalie calling me? Were she and Emmett coming to Rio? Would they want to meet up? Too bad. I was on my way out of Rio anyway, going back to meet up with Jasper and Alice in Denali. The lead had been false, and I'd lost Victoria's trail. Well, that explanation for Rosalie's call didn't make sense anyway since she and Emmett were both attending college at the moment. This was odd. I decided I'd better find out what she wanted.

"What, Rose?" The words came out a little harsher than I'd intended.

"Edward, I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she began. This wasn't good. She never apologized for anything.

"Tell me what?"

"I don't know how to say this—"

"Just spit it out, Rosalie."

"Okay, fine. Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff. Bella's dead, Edward. She committed suicide."

There were no words for what I felt. I don't know how long I sat there, frozen in place with the phone glued to my ear.

"Edward?" came Rosalie's voice on the other end of the phone.

I snapped out of it and instantly knew what I was going to do. "I'm going to Italy."

"Edward, no!"

"You don't understand, Rosalie. I can't live without her."

"You've been living without her for months, Edward."

"Yes, but at least she still existed. Now she doesn't. I can't continue to exist if she doesn't."

"Edward, please don't do this. Think of Carlisle. Think of Esme. Think of Alice."

"I'm sorry, Rose. I have to. I can't live in a world where she doesn't exist."

"Edward—"

"Goodbye, Rosalie. Tell them goodbye for me. Tell them I'm sorry."

I hung up. I still had no words to describe what I felt. There was just a vast nothingness. A black hole. The way my life and soul was now. The pain was sucking at me, threatening to crush me. I needed it to end, and now. I didn't want to wait to fly to Italy. I wanted to cease to exist _now_.

Suddenly, her name broke free of the box I had kept it locked in inside my brain. Bella. Bella, my Bella, dead. I couldn't imagine a world without her. Without her, the world held nothing for me. The world had no purpose. If she had ceased to exist, I must also. I sat there, unmoving, for I don't know how long. Then I got up and started walking toward the airport. Walking would give me more time to think. To think about how I was going to ask the Volturi to be merciful and kill me quickly so I could join my love in death.

My phone buzzed again. This time it was Alice. Calling to tell me Rosalie had been wrong? No, I couldn't answer it. No matter if Bella were really alive or not, Alice would try to convince me that she was. And I felt nothing, no ties to this world anymore. Bella was dead. I felt it. I couldn't think of anyone who would tell me the truth no matter what.

Wait…yes I could. Charlie. Charlie didn't think much of me anyway. He wouldn't care what the news of Bella's death would do to me. I would call Charlie and pray that, on the very slight chance that Bella _was_ still alive, she didn't answer the phone. Hesitating, I pulled out my phone and dialed Bella's number. The phone rang only once before someone whose voice I didn't recognize answered.

"Swan residence."

I decided on a whim to pose as Carlisle. I would probably get a better response that way, especially if this boy was Bella's boyfriend. "Hello, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I said in my best imitation of Carlisle's voice. "May I speak to Chief Swan, please?"

"He's not here," said the unfamiliar boy. He sounded a bit agitated.

"Where is he?"

"He's at the funeral."

So that was it. Bella was dead and Charlie was at her funeral. I hung up. My phone rang again almost immediately. I didn't even bother to look at the number. I dropped the phone in the first trash can I saw and continued to the airport. I bought a one-way ticket to Rome on the first flight out. Luckily, the plane was leaving soon. The agony I was in needed to end as quickly as possible.

Once again, I envied Romeo for the ease of his suicide. All he had to do was drink poison. Me? I had to ask other vampires to rip me apart and burn the pieces. It wasn't nearly as easy to kill us as the cheesy old movies made it look. How I wished it was. Crosses had no effect on me. Garlic didn't affect me either, nor did holy water. Where had those absurd rumors started anyway?

******

I stood here, in the presence of vampire royalty, without really remembering how I got here. I couldn't take my mind off of the reason for my being here for any length of time. I couldn't be concerned with inconsequential details like how I got here. I struggled to concentrate as Aro spoke to me.

"Such a pleasure to meet a friend of Carlisle's. What can we do for you today, young Edward?"

"I want to die."

"You have the gift of immortality, and you wish to waste it?" _What could possibly be the cause of this? I do believe this is a first. A suicidal vampire?_

"Yes."

"May I?" he asked, holding his hand up.

I knew enough about Aro to know what this meant. He was gifted with the ability to read minds, like I was, but he needed physical contact to do so. However, he was more powerful than I was. I could only hear what was passing through someone's head at the moment. He could hear every thought someone's mind had ever had. I wouldn't have to explain anything to him verbally. He could read my mind and know exactly why I no longer wanted to be on this earth.

"Of course," I said, approaching with my hand extended to touch his.

Aro read my mind for a long time, and I could hear his shock and amazement in his thoughts. _A human? He fell in love with a human? And _la tua cantante_! To waste it like that! I can't believe it! This is fascinating. Definitely a first. Carlisle truly has found success and companionship in his unorthodox life. Alice? Why have I never heard of her before? Her gift would be an asset to us. Ah, Edward can read minds as well. What? He can't read Bella's? Perhaps that's why he's attracted to her. _

I snarled a bit. How could he think I was so shallow as to be attracted to Bella because I couldn't read her thoughts? I was in love with Bella because she was a goddess of unequaled perfection, perfect and beautiful in every way.

Aro chuckled at this latest addition to the story I was telling him, and then kept reading my mind. _Oh, I see now. Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff. Edward is grief-stricken. Fascinating indeed! I never thought I would see the day where a vampire would fall in love with a human, much less abstain from the call of _la tua cantante_ for long enough to realize that he was in love with her. And to want to die when she did! Fascinating!_

After what seemed like a lifetime in human years, Aro lowered his hand.

"That was fascinating!" Aro said, amazed.

_Can't you come up with something more original? I _can_ read minds, you know… _"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Will you help me?"

"I cannot make this decision myself. I need to consult with my brothers." _Carlisle would be devastated if I killed his son. And what a waste! His talent would be so convenient for us. I'm inclined to say no, but I will consult with my brothers._

"Of course," I replied. "Do what you must." _And hurry it the hell up! Did you not get the fact that I'm in agony here? My reason for existing is dead!_

Aro left to consult with his brothers, and I decided to make contingency plans while I waited. Better not to waste any time if he decided to force me to use my own devices. I _would_ die one way or another. Whether he chose to protect his city in the process was up to him. He didn't want to destroy me. That much was plain. So I would have to do something drastic. Something no human would ever forget.

Maybe I would go hunting. Yes, that sounded like a good plan. Tons of people dying. The Volturi couldn't ignore that.

And I had to act fast. I knew Alice would see this and try to stop me. Maybe she was already on her way. I would try to do it before she got here. To spare her. She didn't have to die. Her reason for existing was still alive.

After what seemed like fifty lifetimes, Aro returned with his brothers. I knew already what he was going to say. He was going to force my hand. I would go through with the formalities, but then I would go hunting. Who cared if I drank more human blood now? I was going to die soon anyway. I didn't care about anything but dying. I couldn't live with this grief.

"Edward, allow me to introduce my brothers, Caius and Marcus."

"A pleasure to meet you both," I responded, somehow managing to remember my manners in the presence of royalty.

"We are afraid we must refuse your request, young Edward. It's just so…wasteful, to destroy talent like yours. We would be honored if you would join us, however. Your talent would be so useful to us." _To be able to know what those around us are thinking! To be able to know if someone is friend or foe! How convenient that would be!_

"I would rather go on living in agony for the rest of my life than join you! Join this…this…bloodbath you call 'protecting our existence.' Since you have chosen not to help me, I guess I have no choice but to force your hand."

"I am sorry you feel that way, Edward. However, we will wait until you take action before we decide what to do."

"Of course, Aro. You must do what you feel is right."

"Until next time, my young friend."

"Until next time," I replied, grateful to be gone.

Once I was out of that room, I rethought my plan. I couldn't disappoint Carlisle like that. And that would be exactly what the Volturi were expecting. They probably wouldn't kill me for that infraction. I could display my inhuman strength by lifting a car over my head in the main plaza.

But I didn't really want to kill anyone. The person I killed could be someone else's Bella. I would never wish the agony I was in on anyone, no matter how easy it would be for them to join their love.

Then I had a stroke of genius. I would keep it simple. It was Saint Marcus Day. There was a festival going on in the square. I would wait until noon, and then walk out into the sun. That was all it would take. No one would ever forget that. I knew Bella hadn't. But she had thought it was beautiful. All of my body's natural warnings, telling her to be afraid of me, only attracted her to me more. She had been bizarre…bizarrely wonderful. Bizarrely perfect.

Bella, my love, my angel, dead. Why was I still alive? It wasn't fair!

******

I stood in the alley beside the bell tower. Only five more minutes and I would walk out into the sun. I smiled at the thought that I would soon be freed from this agony that was worse than death. And I would cease to exist. I had no soul, so my soul could not be tormented in the afterlife. Thank God.

Aro knew I would do something to provoke his hand, so he had his guard all around, all shrouded in cloaks to conceal their skin in the sunlight. Me? I was in a button-down shirt with the arms torn off and the buttons open. I was very conspicuous indeed.

I glanced around at the Volturi guard, trying to guess how long it would take them to take me down.


	11. 10 The World Revives

10. The World Revives

Five minutes later, I was about to walk out into the sunlight. But I was interrupted by someone running into me. I looked down to see the object of my annoyance that was keeping me from the nonexistence I craved.

Bella? No, she was dead. Was I dead, too? Had they already killed me? _Did_ I have a soul? I brushed my hand against her cheek, testing to see if it would go through. It didn't. She was still as soft and warm as the last time I'd touched her, when I'd blasphemed so heinously to save her.

"Amazing," I said. "Carlisle was right."

"Edward!" she choked out, barely audible. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

I looked down at Bella, or her soul, or whatever incarnation of my love was standing next to me now, in this strange afterlife. "I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing—they're very good." She was more beautiful now than ever. This had to be Hell. My own personal Hell. For some reason, Romeo's lines in the tomb leapt to mind. "'Death that hath sucked the honey from thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.'"

Ah, her smell. Still? Even in death. I was sure I was in Hell now. "You smell just exactly the same as always. So maybe this _is_ Hell. I don't care. I'll take it." If Hell allowed me to be with my love again, it was Heaven to me.

"I'm not dead," Bella's soul said. "And neither are you! Please, Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!"

_Can this be? Really? No, it's too good to be true. I won't let myself hope for that._ "What was that?" I asked.

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi—"

BELLA!!! Bella was alive! Bella, my love, my angel, alive! Oh, bless Aro for not killing me yesterday! I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go. I knew I would never be able to leave her again after this. Maybe, despite the agony I'd gone through for three days, there was a purpose to this. Maybe this was what it took to bring Bella back to me. Maybe some higher power had known that I needed her. Not wanted her, _needed_ her.

But I had to get us out of mortal danger first, before I could satisfy my personal desires. I whisked her into the alley, away from the sun, and set her against the wall of the tower. I stood in front of her, my arms spread wide to protect her from the vampires I knew were coming, vampires who did not recognize the sanctity of human life.

Felix and Demetri approached us. I decided I should initiate the conversation, but I wasn't entirely sure if I could speak. I was too full of joy. Bella was alive! And I would never leave her again. My love, alive! I wanted so desperately to live, even for just a little while longer, to tell her I loved her one last time, to kiss her and hold her close one last time.

"Greetings, gentlemen," I began. I was surprised at how calm I sounded. I couldn't believe that the joy I was feeling inside now wasn't bursting out of me. I felt like singing. "I don't believe I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters." _Yes, send them my thanks. Send them my thanks for keeping me alive so I could see Bella again! Bella, Bella, Bella. Bella's alive!_

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" asked Felix, a snarl in his voice.

I was irritated with them now. Why couldn't they let me enjoy my first moments with my love? "I don't believe that will be necessary," I replied, my agitation coming through in my voice. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun," said Demetri, trying to pacify the situation. "Let us seek better cover."

"I'll be right behind you," I said, extremely irritated now. I had to get Bella out of here. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?"

"No, bring the girl," Felix said, amused. _THIS was the reason he wanted to die? Seriously?_

"I don't think so," I said icily, tensing myself for a fight. Bringing my human love into a room full of bloodthirsty vampires was out of the question, no matter if I was there to protect her or not.

"No," I heard Bella breathe.

"Shh," I murmured, trying to soothe her. How frightened she must be! My poor Bella!

"Felix," Demetri said, "not here." He turned to face me. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all."

Fine, Aro could speak to me, but bringing Bella into this was out of the question. "Certainly," I agreed. "But the girl goes free."

"I'm afraid that's not possible," Demetri said, a little too calmly. "We do have rules to obey."

"Then _I'm _afraid I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri." No way was I bringing Bella to meet Aro. Not a chance.

"That's just fine," Felix said, a bit calmer now.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri said, trying to guilt me into going.

Screw Aro. Aro could go to Hell. I was in Heaven, here, with my love behind me, scared for her life. "I'm sure he'll survive the letdown," I replied harshly.

Felix and Demetri went to the opening of the alley, trying to force me deeper into the shadows. Not a chance. I would protect Bella, no matter what the cost to me was. Then I heard the light approach of someone else and smelled a scent I recognized, a scent I was almost as glad to smell as Bella's.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" Alice sang in her soprano voice. "There are ladies present." She quickly came to my side. I gave a quick smile to my favorite sister.

Felix and Demetri straightened, defensive. They didn't like even numbers.

"We're not alone," Alice reminded them. There was a family of four at the mouth of the alley who would see everything that happened. The mother was curiously watching us, and the father had just asked security to keep an eye on us.

Demetri, always the pacifist, yet again tried to smooth things over. "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable."

"Let's," I agreed. _How about if you go back where you came from and I'll go back where I came from and we never see each other again? How's that strike you?_ "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

Demetri was frustrated now. Aro had ordered him to bring me back to the room where I had begged to die. "At least let us discuss this more privately," he tried.

I clenched my teeth. Aro wasn't getting anywhere _near_ my Bella.

"No," I growled.

"Enough," I heard a high-pitched female voice say. It wasn't Alice. Damn it! It was Jane. We had no choice now but to go.

"Jane," I sighed. I dropped my protective stance and relaxed in resignation. If they laid one finger on Bella…

"Follow me," Jane commanded. Somehow even her little girl's voice had a strong authority.

Felix smirked and gestured for us to go first. Alice walked in front. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and led her forward. The electric current I used to feel whenever I touched her once again pulsed through me, warming my skin where I touched her.

She looked up at me, frightened for her life, and I wished more than anything that I could answer all of the questions that must be swimming through her mind. But I couldn't, not with Felix, Demetri, and Jane standing around us. I just shook my head at her. I could, however, ask Alice what had caused this serious mishap.

"Well, Alice," I began, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

"It was my mistake," she replied. "It was my job to set it right." _I'm so sorry, Edward. I should never have said anything to Rosalie. I can't tell you what a schmuck I feel like right now._

I heard her remorse and the agony in her thoughts. She had thought her best girlfriend was dead and her faulty vision had nearly killed me. But I was with Bella now, and everything was all right. I wouldn't scold her or make her feel bad about this.

Rosalie, who had called me to tell me the news, was another story. I was furious with her.

But I would deal with that later. Right now, I was terribly curious as to how Alice could have seen what she saw and how Bella could be still alive.

"What happened?" I tried to hide just how curious I was.

"It's a long story," Alice said, eyeing Bella. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."

And then she told me everything in her mind. Bella's werewolf friends and her cliff diving expedition (I was quite irritated with Bella for that little stunt. Hadn't she promised that she wouldn't do anything reckless?), Victoria returning to Forks…wait, _what_??? Victoria had returned to Forks? Oh, for the love of all that was holy! I was down in Brazil trying to find her, and she was back in Forks, mere yards away from my love. I was even more horrible at tracking than I'd thought, and Bella had almost been killed because of it! If I had only stayed, I would have been able to protect her, and she wouldn't have had to put her life in the hands of werewolves. Ugh. Werewolves. I would never forgive myself for leaving her. And I couldn't leave her again. Not only was I not strong enough, but it seemed that she needed protecting on a round-the-clock basis.

I was more irritated now than ever with the vampires around us. I wanted explanations, I wanted Bella's side of the story, I wanted to tell Bella how much I loved her and apologize profusely for the blasphemy I had uttered the last time we saw each other, and I wanted it all now. But I couldn't get it. I couldn't say anything about any of this.

"Hmm," was all I could say without betraying the depth of my emotions.

We approached the "drain" in the street and I didn't have to read Bella's mind to know she'd be terrified.

_I'll go first. Drop Bella down and I'll catch her. I promise, she'll be fine._

I nodded my thanks to Alice just before she disappeared down the hole. Bella looked at the hole with wide-eyed terror.

Oh, why couldn't I go and catch her? I knew Alice would never let any harm come to Bella, but after everything that had happened, I didn't want to leave _anything_ to chance. I didn't want even a hair on Bella's head harmed. But the impatient vampires behind us made it a little late to change my mind.

"It's all right, Bella." I was trying to reassure both myself and her. "Alice will catch you."

Bella squatted down, and then sat with her legs hanging in the hole.

"Alice?" she whispered.

"I'm right here, Bella," came Alice's reassuring voice. But Bella still looked just as scared as before.

Unable to do anything else, I grabbed her wrists and lowered her in, suspending her over the black hole. "Ready?" I called down.

"Drop her," came Alice's response. _Give me a little credit, Edward. I'm not going to let anything happen to Bella._

Bella closed her eyes and I heard her teeth clench together in terror. I briefly considered taking her in my arms and jumping down, but the hole wasn't big enough. I would have to trust Alice. I dropped her and heard her land safely in Alice's arms. I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped down after her.

I wrapped one arm around Bella's waist as I had before, the electric current pulsing through my body yet again. I would never get tired of that feeling. She wrapped both of her arms around me and we moved forward. I reached my other arm across my chest to touch her face, tracing the shape of her lips over and over with my thumb. A knot formed in my stomach as I anticipated kissing those perfect lips later. For now, I would have to settle for kissing her hair and her forehead. I did so, over and over again. Each time, it felt like an electric shock to my dead, frozen heart. It felt as if that heart might start beating again. Despite the very real danger we were in, I was so happy I could sing. I hummed the lullaby I had composed for her when we first met, so quietly that not even the other vampires could hear.

I couldn't bring myself to consider the possibility that we were not going to live through the day, that this might be our only reunion. It was too painful. And Aro wouldn't destroy me. I hadn't broken any rules, and he wouldn't want to offend his old friend Carlisle. But wait…I had broken a rule. Bella knew about our existence. That wasn't my doing, though. It was Jacob Black's. He had told her about us, by telling her old legends that he didn't believe in. So I wasn't in danger. But Bella might be. Well, if he killed her, he would have to kill me first. And Alice. He knew that. So there was a chance he might let Bella live.

I felt Bella start to shudder and I realized that her clothes were soaking wet from the fountain she had run through to stop my suicide mission. And, to her human body, it was cold down here. Her teeth started chattering. It felt like it would kill me to release her, but I didn't want her getting hypothermia from my ice-cold body, either. I let her go, keeping only her hand. She protested, so I gratefully took her back in my arms, chafing my hand against her arm, trying in what I was sure was a futile attempt to warm her with the friction.


	12. 11 Verdict

11. Verdict

Felix was _really_ starting to get on my nerves. Every time he sighed in impatience, it was all I could do not to turn around and rip his head off. It wasn't Bella's fault that she didn't have inhuman speed like we did. Well, okay, it was, because she was human, but that was beside the point. He had forever to live. Surely he could spare a few extra minutes for Bella. We finally made it to the end of the tunnel, and went through the gate and finally through the old wooden doors.

We got in the elevator at the other end of the room and rode up to the lobby area, where Gianna, the human receptionist, was waiting. I still couldn't believe that they had humans in on their charade, yet they refused to let anyone else tell humans about our existence. The hypocrisy of it angered me. My jaw tightened involuntarily.

"Good afternoon, Jane," Gianna greeted her as she eyed Jane's entourage.

"Gianna," Jane curtly replied, continuing toward a set of double doors in the back of the room. On the other side of the doors, we were joined by Jane's partner, Alec.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two…and a half. Nice work," observed Alec after a quick greeting. Jane laughed. Then Alec turned his attention towards me. "Welcome back, Edward," he said. "You seem in a better mood."

_Better doesn't even _begin_ to cover it, bucko._ "Marginally," I agreed, trying not to show by how wide a margin.

"And this is the cause of all the trouble?" he asked skeptically. He found Bella about as fascinating as Felix had.

I smiled smugly.

"Dibs," I heard Felix call from behind.

I couldn't help myself. I turned around and snarled at Felix. How _dare_ he talk about making my love his dinner! He beckoned me forward for a fight. I tensed and snarled once more, but then Alice touched my arm firmly but softly.

"Patience," she said, and then she caught my eye. _We don't want to give them any reason to harm us, Edward. Don't waste your fury on Felix. Remember, Bella's with us now. She's more important than this fight. Chill._

I sighed. She was right. I turned my attention back to Alec.

"Aro will be so pleased to see you again," he continued, ignoring my outburst.

"Let's not keep him waiting," interjected Jane.

I guessed we might as well just get it over with. No sense in prolonging the torture. I nodded icily. We went through more double doors into the stone antechamber and then into the room where, only yesterday, I had begged Aro to take my life.

Aro turned to greet us as we walked in the door. "Jane, dear one, you've returned!" He walked towards us with his graceful movements that made even Alice look clumsy. He took Jane's face in his hands and kissed her on the lips. I fought to keep my disgust hidden.

"Yes, Master," Jane said with a smile. "I brought him back alive, just as you wished."

"Ah, Jane," Aro said, smiling back. "You are such a comfort to me." He turned to face the rest of the party then, and his smile widened as he saw Alice and Bella standing with me. "And Alice and Bella, too!" he exulted. "This _is_ a happy surprise! Wonderful!" He turned to Felix. "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, Master," Felix replied, disappointed. He left to do Aro's bidding.

"You see, Edward?" Aro turned back to me. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

_I would use a word more along the lines of _elated _or _euphoric. "Yes, Aro, I am," I agreed as I tightened my arm around my love's waist.

"I love a happy ending," Aro mused. "They are so rare." His enthusiasm was starting to sicken me. "But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" He turned his gaze on my favorite sister, who was standing beside me. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake," he questioned.

If I hadn't been able to read the terror in Alice's thoughts, I would have thought she was completely at ease here. "Oh, I'm far from infallible," she said with a smile. "As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them."

_Yes, but the problems she has cured with her visions…how convenient her talent would be for us!_ "You're too modest," Aro said. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

Alice glanced at me, curious.

Aro didn't miss this quick exchange. "I'm sorry; we haven't been properly introduced at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." Aro's jealousy disgusted me.

"And also exponentially more powerful," I replied flatly. I turned to explain to Alice and Bella. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

Alice raised her eyebrows at me. _Careful, Edward. Don't let him read your mind again unless it's absolutely necessary._

Aro didn't miss that exchange either. "But to be able to hear from a distance…" he sighed, gesturing toward us, in obvious reference to Alice's silent remark. "That would be so _convenient._" _So would being able to see the future. If they joined me, I would be able to do both through them._

I heard the doors open again, and Aro looked over our shoulders, as did the rest of the Volturi. Alice and I followed suit, then Bella did the same. Felix had returned with Marcus and Caius.

"Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro exclaimed with his over-the-top enthusiasm. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?"

_We were brought here for _this_? Why? It's really not that important, Aro._ Marcus was tired of centuries of enthusiasm like this.

_Well, this _is_ a nice surprise. A reunion just before they all die. _Caius was bitter, as usual.

"Let us have the story," Aro pressed.

Caius went to his throne; Marcus paused in front of Aro with his palm raised, waiting for Aro to read his thoughts. Aro raised his hand.

_The relationship between the three of them is one of the strongest I've ever seen. They all share a deep love for one another. And the relationship between Bella and Edward…it's more powerful than the bond of vampire mates. It's even stronger than werewolf imprinting._ Marcus lowered his palm and went to take his seat beside Caius.

"Thank you, Marcus. That's quite interesting," Aro said. _And I thought I'd seen it all. A bond between a vampire and a human that is stronger than werewolf imprinting? I would have thought that was impossible._ "Amazing," he mused. "Absolutely amazing."

_What was that all about, Edward?_ Alice was frustrated that most of these exchanges were taking place in silence.

"Marcus sees relationships," I explained. "He's surprised by the intensity of ours."

_How I would love to have Edward at my side!_ "So convenient," Aro muttered. He turned to us. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you." He glanced at Bella, who was clinging on to me as if for dear life. "It's just so difficult to understand, even now," he said to me. "How can you stand so close to her like that?"

_Her scent is the last thing on my mind right now, you ravenous dog. I thought she was dead! She's the most important thing in my world, and all you can think about is how she smells._ "It's not without effort," I said, trying not to let my agitation show.

"But still—_la tua cantante_!" Aro exclaimed. "What a waste!"

_A waste? Do you not realize that I was just in this room yesterday begging to die because I thought she was dead?_ I chuckled dryly. "I look at it more as a price."

"A very high price," Aro replied skeptically. _Amazing! How does he do it? How did he let her live long enough to fall in love with her?_

I smiled a little. "Opportunity cost," I argued.

_Fascinating. Truly fascinating. I thought I'd seen it all._ Aro laughed. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…"

"Waste it." I finished his sentence for him, my agitation clear. _Yes, you would think that, wouldn't you? But her company is a much greater gift than her blood, which I _have_ tasted._

Aro laughed yet again. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him—only he was not so angry."

_I wonder why I might possibly be angry. It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're keeping me from my reunion with Bella, now, could it? Or the fact that you want Alice and I to join your guard? And it definitely could not be because Felix wants to have Bella for dinner. Oh no, no reason at all for me to be angry._ "Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."

Aro smiled. "I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly," I replied, my agitation becoming more pronounced by the millisecond. Why couldn't we just get this over with already?

"I am gratified by his success," Aro told me. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it…_pleases_ me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong."

_Can't we just get to the point, Aro? These formalities are wearing on me._

"But _your_ restraint!" Aro continued with a sigh. "I did not know such a strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again—if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."

I looked at Aro with a blank face. _Get to the point, old man. Deliver your judgment. Let me get Bella out of the presence of a bunch of thirsty vampires._

"Just remembering how she appeals to you…it makes me thirsty." Aro chuckled.

I tensed. I may have even let a small growl escape my lips.

Aro tried to reassure me with a smile. "Don't be disturbed. I mean her no harm. But I am _so_ curious, about one thing in particular." He looked at Bella. "May I?" he asked me.

_What, is she my dog? You ask _my _permission to read _her_ thoughts? She's a person, not a pet._ "Ask _her_," I told him, trying not to let my anger show in my voice.

"Of course, how rude of me!" Aro tried to pacify me. "Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent—so very interesting that such a thing should occur!" he told her. "And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try—to see if you are an exception for _me_, as well?"

Bella looked at me, terrified. She saw through Aro's polite façade as much as I did. She didn't miss a thing. I didn't want Aro touching her, but his thoughts showed no intention of hurting her, and I wasn't entirely sure she had a choice in the matter. I nodded at her. Still clutching me with one arm, she raised her other hand for Aro. He approached her with his hand raised. He tried to reassure us both with his expression, but it wasn't working. He touched her hand, his expression peaceful at first. But the look on his face became more and more frustrated, matching his thoughts, as he discovered that Bella was every bit the exception for him that she was for me.

"So very interesting," he said with a smile as he released her hand.

She wrapped her free arm back around my waist, and I allowed a small sigh to escape my lips.

"A first," Aro continued to muse. "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents…Jane, dear?"

_I knew it! I knew he would try to hurt her! _"No!" I snarled. I shook off Alice's restraining hand as I tensed myself, preparing to spring.

"Yes, Master?" Jane asked as she approached.

I couldn't stop myself. I snarled and gnashed my teeth, glaring at Aro. Felix moved forward a bit with a grin on his face, hoping to finally be able to fight me. Aro gave him a glance, and he relaxed and backed up.

Aro spoke to Jane. "I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to _you._"

My growls were echoing all throughout the room now. I _knew_ I should have scooped Bella up and made a run for it back in the alley! Though it pained me to let her go, protecting her from the sadistic Jane was much more important. I released her, moving in front of her, trying to block her from Jane's view. Jane turned toward us, smiling in our direction.

"Don't!" Alice cried as I hurled myself in front of my love. The searing agony that was pulsing through my body was unbearable, but it was far more bearable than watching Bella suffer through it. I would have ripped Jane's head off if she'd done this to my love. I barely heard Bella shrieking for Jane to stop, though I was suffering in silence. I saw her moving forward, but Alice wrapped her arms around Bella, restraining her with iron strength.

After what seemed like a century of agony, it stopped with just a word from Aro. My body relaxed from the spasms, unable to move for a moment. I saw Bella staring at me, wide-eyed with horror for what she had just witnessed.

"He's fine," Alice reassured her.

Aro nodded towards my love, and Jane turned her smile in Bella's direction. I sprang to my feet in an instant, ready to throw myself in front of my sweet angel again. But, as I glanced back and forth in horror between Jane and Bella, it was clear that whatever glitch in Bella's mind made her immune to Aro and I made her immune to Jane as well. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to Bella again, touching Alice's arm. She released Bella, and Bella was clinging to me again in an instant. I sighed again, but this time it was from the thrill that her touch gave me.

Jane was becoming quite agitated with her lack of success. Her brow furrowed as she snarled, baring her teeth. She leaned forward as if to pounce.

Aro laughed. "This is wonderful!" he chuckled. Jane hissed. "Don't be put out, dear one," he said to Jane. "She confounds us all."

I was becoming quite irritated with Jane as she continued to attempt to incapacitate my Bella with unimaginable pain and thanked the good Lord above that Bella was somehow immune. Jane's upper lip curled back in a snarl as she continued to glare at Bella. Aro placed a hand on her shoulder and she relaxed.

"You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence," he told me with a chuckle. "I asked Jane to do that to me once—just out of curiosity."

I had no words for the disgust I felt for Aro. I just glared at him.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro mused.

_It's about freaking time._ Alice and I both stiffened, and Bella, sensing our fear, started to tremble. I tightened my arms around her, hoping it would soothe her a little.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro asked me. Anyone could hear the hope in his voice. "Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."

_You sick, sick old man. You did not seriously just ask me to join you, when you just tried to hurt the one reason I'm still alive right now?_ I hesitated. "I'd…rather…not," I said, using all of my strength so I wouldn't yell a string of profanities at him.

Aro wasn't done yet. He was still hoping for an addition to his guard today. "Alice?" he asked hopefully. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"

With the stream of profanities running through Alice's head, I was surprised a few of them didn't slip out when she replied. "No, thank you," she said politely.

"And you, Bella?" _Would you be interested in joining our world today, young one? I'm so terribly curious to see how you would turn out as a vampire._

I hissed and looked down at Bella. Her expression was blank, uncomprehending.

"What?" Caius demanded flatly.

Aro chuckled. "Caius, surely you see the potential," he said. "I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

Caius looked away, disgusted. I continued to hiss and snarl under my breath. A growl started to build in my chest as I realized that Aro would have heard my memories of Bella asking me to change her. He knew that she wanted this. But I wouldn't let it happen. I wouldn't let Bella sacrifice her soul for me.

"No, thank you," she whispered, her voice breaking in terror. I sighed in relief and tightened my arms around her.

Aro sighed, defeated. "That's unfortunate. Such a waste."

I hissed loudly this time. "Join or die, is that it?" I asked icily. "I suspected as much when we were brought to _this_ room. So much for your laws."

Aro was genuinely surprised at my conclusion. "Of course not. We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return."

Caius was desperate to punish me for some transgression. "Aro," he hissed, "the law claims them."

I turned to glare at Caius. "How so?" I demanded. I knew what he was thinking, of course, but I wanted him to say it aloud so that I could contradict it in front of everyone.

Caius pointed a finger at the angel in my arms. "She knows too much," he said. "You have exposed our secrets."

"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," I reminded him.

Caius tried to smile, but it ended up looking like a grimace. "Yes," he agreed. "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not."

Bella's voice shook in terror as she tried to speak. "I wouldn't—," she began, but she was silenced with a frightening glare from Caius. I could have killed him.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," Caius continued. "Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only _her_ life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

I bared my teeth and snarled.

Caius couldn't hide his sadistic pleasure. "That's what I thought," he said.

Aro was not happy with Caius's conclusions, and was desperate to find a way to end this peacefully. "Unless…unless you do intend to give her immortality?"

I pursed my lips, considering. If I told him I did and he insisted on reading my mind, he would know I was lying. I had no intention whatsoever of damning my Bella to an eternity of night. But it _was_ better than her dying. Would he make me bite her right here to prove I had meant it? I didn't know if I could. I decided to see where this route would take us.

"And if I do?" I asked.

Aro smiled. "Well, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." But then he glanced at the still-furious Caius and added, "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it." He raised his hand in front of him. Caius relaxed.

My lips tightened and I looked into Bella's eyes. She looked back. In another place, in another time, I would have been blissfully happy with this moment, looking into Bella's eyes as I held her close. It felt as if I could see all the way into her soul when I looked at her like that. But now I was looking into her eyes, trying to justify doing the most selfish thing I could imagine, and it was pure torture.

"Mean it," my angel whispered. "Please."

I wondered if the expression on my face conveyed the torture my mind was going through as I weighed my decision carefully. I was dangerously close to saying yes and meaning it. It was far better than having her die. But I didn't want to take her life from her.

Alice stepped forward, raising her palm for Aro. I saw her vision of the future. Bella as a red-eyed newborn. Alice was planning on changing Bella herself! I clenched my teeth together. Alice touched her palm to Aro's and he closed his eyes, concentrating.

It seemed a lifetime later when Aro finally removed his hand, laughing. "That was _fascinating_!"

Alice smiled without a trace of humor. "I'm glad you enjoyed it," she said.

"To see the things you've seen—especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" He shook his head, truly fascinated. I wished he'd find a new word to convey his amusement.

"But that will," she reminded him calmly.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined," Aro said, still chuckling. "Certainly there's no problem."

Caius looked disappointed. He had so wanted to execute someone today. "Aro," he protested.

"Dear Caius, do not fret," Aro tried to reassure him. "Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household…Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

Aro was convinced, which was good. But he apparently didn't realize that she could change her mind right now and everything would change. Or that I could make a decision that would prevent Alice from following through with hers (and she did seem quite set in her path). But I wouldn't worry about that now. Somehow, miraculously, we had survived. All of us. Bella was alive, safe in my arms, and the Volturi were not about to execute us all. I was almost giddy with happiness. Once again, I felt like bursting into song.

I struggled to keep my voice even as I spoke. "Then we are free to go now?" I asked.

Aro's voice was pleasant. "Yes, yes. But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!"

Caius spoke then, in a darker voice. "And we will visit you as well," he said. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances."

That was when I saw it. Something Aro had been trying very hard not to think of while we were there. Aro was…scared? Was that the right word? Scared of Carlisle and our family. Because we were the largest coven he'd ever encountered besides his own. First and foremost, he wanted Alice and I to join him. But there was a smaller part of his mind that wanted to destroy us, because we were a threat to his authority.

And I saw something else, too. I saw how they intended to find Bella to see if she was still human. Demetri was a tracker. But not an ordinary tracker. His ability was related to the mind. He followed someone's mind, not someone's scent. But, after Aro's experiments with his and Jane's abilities on Bella had failed, I was confident that they wouldn't be able to find her. This meant that Alice would be able to see when they were coming and I would be able to hide Bella from them. Maybe she wouldn't have to become a vampire after all.

I clenched my jaw, disturbed by the first revelation, but hopeful about the ramifications of the second, and nodded curtly.

Caius returned to Marcus, who still looked as bored as he had when he entered the room. Felix groaned in frustration.

Aro smiled in amusement. "Ah, Felix. Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience."

Heidi? I had to get Bella out of here. Now. "Hmm," I tried to make my voice sound as nonchalant as possible, although the terror didn't quite stay out of it. "In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later."

"Yes," Aro said. "That's a good idea. Accidents _do_ happen. Please wait until after dark, though, if you don't mind."

"Of course," I agreed. Bella cringed, and I lightly rubbed my hand against her back, trying to soothe her.

Aro beckoned Felix closer. "And here," he added, unfastening Felix's cloak and throwing it at me. "Take this. You're a little conspicuous."

I put the cloak on.

Aro sighed longingly, and I saw a vision in his head of Alice and I, both red-eyed and cloaked, the two most prominent members of his guard. The thought sickened me. "It suits you," he said.

I chuckled dryly, but I smelled human blood that was not Bella's and knew I had to hurry to get her out of here before the feeding frenzy began. "Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends," Aro said as we walked out the door.

I turned to Alice and Bella. "Let's go," I said urgently.

I started to lead Bella out the door, and Alice followed quickly. Demetri stepped forward and gestured to us to follow. I walked quite swiftly, but made sure it was slow enough that Bella could keep up. Alice went to Bella's other side.

"Not fast enough," she muttered under her breath. _She's still going to see it, Edward. She's still going to hear it._

The people started to file in, like cattle being led to a slaughter. I pulled Bella's face against my chest, trying to shield her from the horror that was about to take place. As soon as the smallest break in the procession appeared, I rushed Bella through the door, but I knew it was too late. I could see the tears in her eyes. She already knew.

"Welcome home, Heidi." Demetri smiled at the scantily dressed blonde who brought up the rear of the line.

"Demetri," she purred.

"Nice fishing," he complimented her. Sickening. Really.

"Thanks," she smiled at him. "Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute," he responded. "Save a few for me."

Heidi eyed Bella curiously, then disappeared through the doors.

I walked away from there as fast as I could, with Bella running beside me to keep up. But Alice was right. It wasn't fast enough. We weren't fifty feet away when the screaming started.


	13. 12 Escape

12. Escape

Demetri left us in the reception area with Gianna, the human receptionist. With a quick reminder for us not to leave until dark, he left, returning to the feeding frenzy.

Bella was shaking violently and sobs that almost didn't sound human were ripping through her chest. My poor, sweet love! I wished she hadn't had to see that. How awful. But maybe it would deter her enough from the world of vampires that we could put off the conversation about her mortality for a while. I wasn't going to worry about that now, though. Bella was terrified.

"Are you alright?" I asked anxiously under my breath, trying to keep it low enough that Gianna wouldn't hear.

_Poor Bella. That was horrifying. What a thing for her to witness._ "You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice told me. "She's going to pieces."

I pulled her onto my lap as I sat down on the farthest couch from Gianna, wrapping my borrowed cloak around her to keep her warm.

"Shh, Bella, shh," I tried to soothe her. It wasn't working.

"I think she's having hysterics," Alice said. "Maybe you should slap her."

I threw an anxious but menacing glare at Alice.

_Oh, relax. I was kidding!_

"It's all right. You're safe. It's all right," I told Bella over and over.

"All those people," she managed to choke out.

I tried to make my voice soothing. "I know."

"It's so horrible."

"Yes, it is." I calmed down a bit now. "I wish you hadn't had to see that."

Bella rested her head against my chest and took a few deep breaths. Then it hit me. We were safe, past the danger. And Bella was here with me, in my arms. The deep joy I had felt earlier returned, as did the urge to burst into song.

"Is there anything I can get you?" Gianna asked politely.

I tried not to show my irritation with her for ruining my moment. But I couldn't mask it entirely. "No," I replied, more harshly than was necessary.

Gianna nodded and smiled, then left. Oh, thank the good Lord above. I couldn't really have a proper reunion with Bella and give her all the answers I was sure she craved until we were alone, but Alice wouldn't mind if I showed a little affection in front of her.

"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella asked a few seconds later. Her voice was rough from the sobs, but it still sounded like the most beautiful music in the world.

"Yes," I told her, just glad to be hearing her voice again. "She knows absolutely everything."

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?"

I wished Bella wouldn't make me answer these horrifying questions, but I also wanted to keep hearing her voice, so I obliged. "She knows it's a possibility." A look of shock crossed her face. "She's hoping they decide to keep her."

"She wants to be one of them?" Bella asked, the blood draining from her face.

Why was Bella focusing on this when we could be focusing on the fact that we were together again? It didn't make sense. Desperate to end this conversation and move on to happier things, I nodded once.

"How can she want that?" she whispered. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of _that_?"

My agitation with Bella's macabre attitude was becoming more pronounced, but I tried not to let it show. She looked at my face, confused. Then all of a sudden, a flicker of something I couldn't identify crossed her face and she threw her arms around my neck, pulling herself closer to me. She was sobbing again. This wasn't right. Angels shouldn't cry.

"Oh, Edward," she managed to get out through the tears.

"What's wrong?" I asked anxiously as I rubbed her back, trying to soothe her.

She pulled herself closer still. "Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?"

Finally, something I wanted to talk about! My resounding joy at being in my love's arms once more. I held her close, so close I worried it was hurting her. But if it was, she didn't complain. "I know exactly what you mean," I whispered in her ear. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."

"Yes," she said, her voice straining a little. "That's a good one."

I loosened my hold on her ever so slightly, guessing that was why her voice was strained. "And together," I whispered. She nodded, her expression hesitating. Although I desperately wanted to kiss her, the hesitation I saw on her face stopped me. So I continued talking. "And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully," she said, her voice breaking a little.

"The outlook is quite good," Alice told us. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours."

I could still see the hesitation written all over Bella's face. I guessed it was from all that time apart. Maybe she thought she was dreaming. Maybe I had hurt her too much. Maybe she _had_ moved on and Alice had dragged her here. But, as she looked into my eyes, I didn't care what the motivation was. She was here, and that was what mattered. I would get my answers later. I stared back at her, now blissfully happy. _This_ was a situation in which I was glad to be looking into her eyes. I traced the dark circles under her eyes with my fingertips.

"You look so tired," I whispered.

"And you look thirsty," she replied.

Was I thirsty? I hadn't noticed. I shrugged. "It's nothing," I told her.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I could sit with Alice."

She had to be kidding! I couldn't let her go for one second. "Don't be ridiculous," I sighed. "I've never been in better control of _that_ side of my nature than right now." Besides, although she still smelled as sweet to me, she no longer smelled like food. I could never think of her blood that way again. I knew what it felt like to think I'd lost her, and my entire being now shied away from any course of action which would inspire that unendurable agony again.

I had a million questions for her. And a million answers. But Alice and I had some planning to do. So I just held my love in my arms, re-memorizing every line of her face while I discussed escape tactics with my sister. We decided to steal another car to get back to Rome. It was the quickest way.

"What was all that talk about _singers_?" Alice asked me after we'd nailed down our plan.

"_La tua cantante_," I said, making sure we were on the same page.

"Yes, that," Alice confirmed.

I shrugged and squeezed Bella tighter for a moment. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my _singer_—because her blood sings for me."

Alice laughed.

I continued to talk with Alice, although I didn't pay much attention to the conversation. It was hard to concentrate on anything besides the angel in my arms. Although her expression was still cautious, I couldn't help myself. Every now and then, I would lean down and kiss her. Her hair, her forehead, her cheek, the tip of her nose. Because of her hesitation, I stopped myself from kissing the one place I wanted to kiss most: her lips. I would get to that soon enough. I had all the time in the world. As with before, when I'd kissed her hair in the tunnel, each time my lips touched her warm skin, it felt like my dead, frozen heart might beat again. I heard Bella's heart race and luxuriated in the sound.

I'd all but lost track of the time and place, concentrating only on my love in my arms, when I heard the door open. I tightened my grip on Bella as I turned to look. Alec walked in the room.

"You're free to leave now," he said in a friendly tone. "We ask that you don't linger in the city."

_Right, because we'd definitely want to stay here…_ "That won't be a problem," I said coldly.

Gianna had reappeared at some point. I wasn't sure when. "Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators," she told us as I was helping Bella to her feet. "The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now."

Alice glared at her as we swiftly left the room.

The festival was still going on as we walked onto the street a few minutes later. The theme had seemed to get darker, with more people dressed up as the incarnations of our kind they'd seen in cheesy old movies. Where had the idea of fangs come from? Really.

"Ridiculous," I muttered.

"Where's Alice?" Bella suddenly asked.

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning," I told her. Had it really only been that long? Had I really almost committed suicide this morning? It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?"

I grinned, but not because of the crime Alice was about to commit. "Not till we're outside."

We continued toward the entryway, and I could tell my love was exhausted. I wrapped my arm around her waist and supported her weight as we walked. I led her toward a car that was parked in the shadows just outside the entryway to the city. I opened the door to the backseat and pulled Bella in beside me.

"I'm sorry," Alice apologized, gesturing toward the dashboard. "There wasn't much to choose from."

I grinned again, this time at my sister. "It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos."

"I may have to acquire one of those legally," she said with a sigh. "It was fabulous."

"I'll get you one for Christmas," I told her. I would buy her an entire factory full of 911 Turbos if she wanted. She had given me the most precious gift in the world. She had returned Bella to me. And she had stayed with me during almost the entire time I was away from Bella. I owed her everything.

Alice flashed me a dazzling smile as she sped down the hillside. "Yellow," she told me.

I held Bella tight in my arms as we raced toward the airport. "You can sleep now, Bella," I told her. "It's over."

"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

I knew she was exhausted. "Try," I encouraged, as I kissed her neck just below her ear.

She shook her head, reminding me for a moment of a small child.

"You're still just as stubborn," I said, with a sigh of resignation.

The truth was I wanted her to sleep so I could hear what she said. Maybe then I would understand what she was thinking, know why she hesitated, tensed each time I touched her. Well, we had a long flight ahead of us. She couldn't possibly stay awake for that long. Already, she looked like she was going to pass out any second.

When we got to the airport in Florence, Alice bought new clothes for me and herself, and I had to leave Bella for a bit to get changed. It gave me a chance to think clearly. Of course, I had to stay with Bella. But staying would mean giving her some answers, answers I didn't know how to give. I had to figure out what to say to her. I guessed perhaps the reason for her hesitation was doubt, doubt that I still loved her. I had, after all, told her that I didn't want her, and I could see that she had believed me. I ached at the memory of her face that day in the forest. I couldn't believe that she had believed me so quickly, let one simple word negate everything I'd told her.

I felt a sense of acute relief as I joined Alice and, more importantly, Bella again. Just the few minutes apart had been agonizing. I was beginning to wonder if it was real, if Bella really was here with me. Alice had already bought our tickets back to Seattle.

The flight from Florence to Rome wasn't long enough for Bella to sleep, and I knew that. But when we got on the plane in Rome that would take us to Atlanta, I rebuked her when she asked the flight attendant to bring her a Coke. I knew her low tolerance for caffeine.

"I don't want to sleep," she told me. I eyed her disapprovingly. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

I couldn't argue with that. The last thing I wanted was for my angel to be tormented in her sleep.

It would have been a good time to talk, to give her answers and to get some of my own, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. We had plenty of time for explanations. She kept drinking soda, and I was blissfully happy, just holding her in my arms, tracing the shape of her perfect face again and again, continuing to kiss every part of her but the part I most wanted to kiss. I would save that for after I reassured her of my love for her. It would make the moment sweeter. Ever so carefully, she let her hand rest on my face. It was like heaven. I couldn't speak. I was too happy. Words failed me.

When we got to Seattle, I wasn't surprised at all to find Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper waiting for us at the gate.

Jasper's eyes were only for Alice, but he spared a thought for me and Bella when he saw us in his peripheral vision. _You finally look like yourself again, bro. I'm so glad Bella's okay and you have her back. You deserve to be happy._

Alice ran to him and looked deep into his eyes. I smiled. I knew what it felt like not to know if you were ever going to see the love of your life again.

_We knew you could never leave Bella again, so we're moving back. She'll be fine, and you need her._ Carlisle smiled reassuringly, but he didn't have to convince me. _Please don't ever put us through that again, though. It was excruciating._

Esme caught Bella up in an awkward hug, because I refused to let go of her. "Thank you so much," she whispered in my angel's ear. Then she threw her arms around my neck, and I released one of my arms from Bella so I could hug her back. "You will _never_ put me through that again."

I grinned at my mother. "Sorry, Mom."

"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We owe you."

"Hardly," she mumbled. She was exhausted.

"She's dead on her feet," Esme scolded me. "Let's get her home." She went to Bella's other side, helping me to support her as we walked out of the airport.

I was a bit surprised to see Emmett and Rosalie waiting for us outside.

_I can't tell you how sorry I am, Edward. I'm so glad you and Bella are okay. I promise I'll be nice to her now. I see how much she means to you._ Rosalie's eyes were repentant, but she had a lot to answer for, and a simple "sorry" just wasn't enough. I let a small hiss escape my lips.

"Don't," Esme whispered to me. "She feels awful."

"She should," I said a little more loudly than was necessary.

"It's not her fault," Bella mumbled almost incoherently.

"Let her make amends," Esme pleaded with me. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."

I glared menacingly at Rosalie. I had no intention of spending an hour and a half in a car with her.

"Please, Edward," Bella whispered.

How could I deny my love anything? I sighed and walked her towards the car where Rose and Emmett were waiting. I pulled her into the backseat. She finally let the fatigue get the best of her as she closed her eyes and rested her head against my chest with a sigh. I sighed, too, but not from exhaustion. That wasn't physically possible for me. I sighed from pure joy and ecstasy.

_Don't do that again, kid. We were all going crazy worrying about you._ Emmett looked at Bella and grinned as he got in the driver's seat. _Glad to see she's still alive, too. It's so much more fun with her around. _You're_ so much more fun with her around._

I cracked a smile for my favorite brother. Despite his jokes, I knew he loved Bella like a sister and was almost as thrilled as I was that she was alive and well.

"Edward," Rosalie said as she turned to me.

"I know," I said harshly.

"Bella?" she asked, turning her face towards my love. My eyes widened in shock. I wasn't sure if she realized it, but this was the first time she had ever directly addressed Bella.

Bella opened her eyes. "Yes, Rosalie?"

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."

"Of course, Rosalie," Bella mumbled, almost incoherently. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

Emmett laughed. "It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose."

Bella mumbled something incoherent.

"Let her sleep," I said, my voice a little more generous. I felt better now that Rose had apologized to Bella. I heard Bella's rhythmic breathing and knew she would be talking in a few hours, completely unconscious of what she was saying. Maybe I would get some answers.

We pulled onto the familiar street, and I tensed myself for the part I was not looking forward to. Charlie heard the car pull up in the driveway and came outside. It was a good thing I was bulletproof, because he briefly thought of pulling his gun on me.

"Bella!" he called, his voice acute with relief.

"Charlie," she mumbled.

"Shh," I murmured in her ear. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep." _Yes, get back to sleep, please. I want my answers._

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here," Charlie yelled at me.

"Stop it, Dad," Bella groaned quietly.

"What's wrong with her?" he demanded.

"She's just very tired, Charlie," I said, trying to calm him. "Please let her rest."

"Don't tell me what to do!" he yelled at me. "Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

It felt like it would kill me to let her go, but I knew I had to try to get on Charlie's good side again, if that was possible. I didn't blame him for his reaction. What I had done to his daughter was inexcusable. I tried to pass my love off to her father, but she clung to me with all of her strength. Charlie yanked at her arm, trying to get her off of me.

"Cut it out, Dad," Bella said, a little louder this time, opening her eyes to look at her father. "Be mad at _me_."

"You bet I will be," he said harshly. "Get inside."

"'Kay," she sighed. "Let me down."

Not entirely sure that she could stand, I set her gently on her feet. She stumbled forward a few steps, then collapsed. I caught her before she hit the ground.

"Just let me get her upstairs," I begged Charlie. "Then I'll leave."

"No," Bella cried, clutching me tightly.

_I'll never leave you again, Bella. I promise. I can't leave you._ "I won't be far," I whispered in her ear, making sure Charlie wouldn't hear. I brushed my lips against her cheek as I carried her up the stairs and into her bedroom. I laid her on her bed, pulling her covers up around her, kissed her softly on her forehead, and walked back downstairs.

"You are never to walk through this door again," Charlie said as I walked out the front door.

I sighed. What else could I expect? I had hurt his daughter, incapacitated her with grief, and almost gotten her massacred by a bunch of ravenous, bloodthirsty vampires on the other side of the world (not that he knew that last thing). Much as I wanted my answers, it was more important to respect Charlie's wishes right now. I would be back later, when Charlie was asleep.


	14. 13 There's No Place Like Home

13. There's No Place Like Home

I went back to the car where Rosalie and Emmett were still waiting for me. They knew I wouldn't stay there while Charlie was still awake to check on Bella.

_You look thirsty, kid. Want to go hunting?_ _I'm about ready to go myself._

"No, Emmett, take me back to the house. I have to see everyone. I have to apologize. That's more important."

_You better not kill Bella just because you were too stubborn to go hunting. I like having her around._

I hissed. "You know I could never do that. Stop it."

_All right, all right. Chill out, kid. I was just joking. Let's get you home._

Carlisle was waiting for us outside when we pulled up. For the first time since I'd been home, I caught my father figure up in a huge, tight bear hug. He returned the hug with just as much enthusiasm.

_You already look so much happier, Edward. I'm glad we're back._

"That doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now, Carlisle. There are no words for how happy I am right now. I'm so glad she's alive, so glad we're together again. I feel like singing."

_Well, that doesn't sound as bad coming from you as it did coming from Emmett when he found out you and Bella were alive. You actually have a good singing voice._ Carlisle grinned at me.

I smiled. "I'm so sorry, Carlisle. Sorry for everything."

_I understand. I would have done the same thing if it had been Esme. But please don't do that ever again. It was excruciating, not knowing if you were alive or dead. These past eight months have been so hard, seeing you in such agony._

"Don't remind me, please. That was the most excruciating eight months of my entire existence. I don't know how I left her. And I can't leave now. I can never leave Bella again. I don't have the strength."

_I know. I don't know how you found the strength the first time. I don't know how any of us did. You know we all love her as a sister and a daughter. Not as much as you love her, but pretty close to it._

"I know, Carlisle. I know it was hard for you, too. Especially for Alice. I have to go find her. I barely paid attention to her the entire time we were in Italy and on the plane home. I feel horrible, treating her like that after everything she's done for me."

_She understands. You needed your time with Bella. She wouldn't have paid much attention to you if it had been Jazz._ He smiled.

I laughed, and for the first time since Bella's disastrous birthday (which felt like another lifetime ago), the sound felt easy, natural, right. "That's probably true. I'm glad we're home. I'll bring Bella over soon to see everyone."

_Yes, please do. We've all missed her terribly. Go on inside. Alice is waiting for you._

I walked in the house, and everything was already back to the way it had been. It was like we'd never left. Alice was sitting on the couch in Jasper's arms. She heard my approach, kissed Jasper, and got up to come to me.

The force of my hug was such that I lifted her a foot off the floor. I grinned widely at my favorite sister.

_Chill out, Edward. It's just me._

If I could have cried from the happiness, I would have been bawling. "Just?"

_Geez, why didn't I get this kind of response when we were in Italy?_

"I'm sorry."

_Just kidding. You know I would have behaved exactly the same way if it had been Jazz._

"I know. Thank you so much, Alice. You gave me my life back. And you stayed with me when I was barely alive. I owe you for the rest of my existence."

_No, you don't. I'm just as happy to have Bella back as you are, hard as that is for you to believe. I love her too, Edward. She's like a sister to me. And I love you. I didn't think twice about going on your tracking expedition with you, and I didn't think twice about coming after you. I couldn't lose my favorite brother like that. Not when the love of his life was still alive._

"I'm so sorry, Alice. Sorry for everything. I should have answered the phone when you called."

_I know why you didn't. And you were right. I would have tried to convince you she was alive even if she wasn't. You're forgiven. I'm sorry, too. If I hadn't said anything to Rose, none of this would have happened._

"Would it be really sick for me to say I'm glad you did?"

Alice laughed. _A little. But I know what you mean. We're all glad to have her back. And we're glad to see you happy again. Maybe that's why I saw it. So it would bring Bella back to us._

"I think you're right. Thanks again, Alice."

_You're welcome. Hey, Bella doesn't exactly know that we were with you for most of your tracking expedition. She thinks Jazz was going for another degree and you were on your own, checking in every few months. I didn't want her to know how much I knew about you and where you were. I'm sure you understand why._

"Yes, I do. You did the right thing. Don't worry. She'll never know you lied. You're the best sister in the whole world, Alice."

Alice smiled. _Just bring Bella over soon, okay? She's long overdue for a makeover._

I laughed. "Of course. I'm going to find Rose now."

_I'm glad you've decided to forgive her. She feels horrible._

"I'm too happy right now to hold grudges."

She laughed. _I think she went to her room._

"Thanks."

I headed off to have a conversation I wasn't looking forward to, but one I needed to have. I couldn't hold what had happened against Rosalie. As excruciating as those twenty-four hours had been, it had all been worth it. It had brought Bella back to me. That was worth everything in this world combined. I found Rose in her room, sitting on her bed in silence.

"Edward, I—"

"I know, Rose. It's alright."

"Just let me get this out, please. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I shouldn't have said anything. I knew what it would do to you. I don't know what possessed me to pick up that phone when I heard what Alice saw. And I'm so glad you and Bella are alive. So glad she was brave enough to go after you and save you. There's more to her than I saw. I promise I'll be nice to her now. I know how much she means to you, and I owe her for going after you and saving you after I almost killed you."

"It's okay, Rose," I said, hugging her tightly. "In a strange way, I'm glad you did what you did."

"What?"

"I lived through twenty-four hours thinking Bella was dead, and that was the most excruciating agony I've ever felt, but it brought her back to me. It would have all been worth it even if I had only seen her again for a minute, but I have her back now for the rest of her life. I'm glad you told me what Alice saw. If I hadn't tried to commit suicide, I would never have gotten Bella back."

Rosalie cracked half a smile. "I suppose, in a sick way, that makes sense. So we're okay?"

"We're fine. I'm too happy right now to hold grudges, so I'm letting you off the hook."

She laughed. "Good to hear. I really mean it. I'll try to be nice to Bella now."

"I'm glad, because she's not going anywhere."

"She gave me my brother back. The one I knew and loved. I owe her big for that." She grinned. "Now go find Esme. She needs to see you."

"Okay. See you soon," I said, squeezing her one more time.

As I walked towards my mom, who was studying a set of blueprints, I panicked. What could I say to her? I didn't regret anything that had happened, but I felt horrible for putting her through such agony.

"Mom, I—"

_It's okay, Edward. I know why you did it. I know how much you love Bella and I know you could never live without her. If it had been Carlisle, you know I would have done the same thing._

"I'm still sorry for putting you through that. Glad as I am to have Bella back, I wish there had been another way."

_So do I, Edward, but I know you think it was worth it. And I guess it was. We have Bella back now. I know you don't think the rest of us place quite as much weight on that consideration as you do, but you're wrong. We all love her. Even Rosalie does, in a way. And we know you need her. It was so hard seeing you try to struggle through life without her. She's changed you, Edward. For the better._

"I'm so sorry for everything, Mom. Sorry if I hurt you while Bella and I were apart."

_You're forgiven. Just make sure you get Bella here to see us soon. I've missed her, too._

"That seems to be a popular request." I laughed. "I've got to see Jazz. Apologize to him for putting Alice in danger."

_You know he's not angry with you, Edward. He would have done the exact same thing Alice did._

"All the same, I'll feel better when I've apologized to him, even if he doesn't think there's anything to apologize for."

_I know, son. Go on. I'll see you soon._

I hugged my mother tightly and left to find my brother.

Jasper was still sitting on the couch with Alice. I sat down on Jasper's other side.

"I'm so sorry, Jazz. It was so stupid of me to put Alice in danger like that."

"It's all right, bro. I know why you did it. I would have done the same thing if I thought Alice was dead. Besides, it was her choice to come after you. I wanted to come too, but Alice stopped me. She said Bella was the only chance."

I smiled, glad that Jasper wasn't mad at me. "Alice was right. If it had been any of you, I just would have acted faster. I wouldn't have given you time to tell me she was alive. And I wouldn't have believed you."

Jasper smiled. "I'm glad Bella's back. I've really missed you, bro. You were an empty shell with her gone. Alice and I know that better than most. And I've missed Bella, too. She's like a sister to me now. About her birthday…"

"Jazz, don't. I know how horrible you feel. It's okay. She was never mad at you for it. I don't think I was, either. Not really. I was mad at myself for putting her in danger."

"You're too hard on yourself, Edward," Alice interjected. "It's not always your fault. Things just happen sometimes, and we can't control them."

"I know, but this time, I could have prevented it. Of course, if you had used gift bags instead of wrapping paper…"

We all laughed.

"Yeah, wrapping the presents wasn't the smartest move, was it?" she joked.

"Look, I don't know how to say this," I continued. "But thank you. Thank you both. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I'd given up on myself. I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for you. I know you guys got sick of my moping when we weren't actively tracking. But you stayed with me. You never gave up on me. And Alice, you came after me when I was going to kill myself, even though you knew you might die with me. I'll never be able to repay you guys for what you did for me. Thank you."

"You don't just give up on family, bro," Jasper said. "We all would have come with you if it was what you needed. But you didn't need everyone. You just needed Alice. She understands you more than anyone else does, and she was able to comfort you, as much as you were able to be comforted, in a way no one else could. But I couldn't just let her go without me, so I came, too. Besides, you would have been a lot worse at tracking if you hadn't had me. Not that you weren't horrible even with my help."

I attempted to laugh, but the reminder of just how horrible my tracking abilities had been made it come out like the cry of some injured animal.

"Edward, don't be too hard on yourself," Alice said. "You're safe, we're safe, Bella's safe. And we're all back where we want to be, and together again. That's all that matters now. And I would go back and do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was hard for me, too, and I hated seeing you in so much pain all the time. But I don't regret it at all. I know you would have done the same for me. Like Jazz said, you don't just give up on family."

I glanced over at the piano.

"Yes, Edward, please go play," Alice begged. "It's been too long."

"I think I will," I said, already halfway there.

I sat down at the piano and stroked the keys with my fingers, not because I was trying to decide what to play, but because I wanted to savor the moment. I began to play the lullaby I had written for Bella when we first met. Esme came up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. Alice and Jasper came, too, sitting on either side of me. Carlisle came back inside with a smile on his face, followed by Emmett, who was wearing one of his famous grins. Even Rosalie came downstairs, smiling.

Alice wrapped one arm around me. _It's so good to have you back. I've missed my favorite brother._ She smiled and put her head on my shoulder.

I kissed the top of my favorite sister's head and, for the first time in eight months, let my lips curve upward in the crooked smile I knew Bella and Alice both loved.


	15. 14 The Truth

14. The Truth

Everyone in the family wanted to take me hunting. They could all see how thirsty I was. But I couldn't concentrate on that right now. I just wanted to be at home with my family until I was sure Charlie was asleep, and then get back to the person I really wanted to be with. At around 10:00, I left, running toward Bella's house. Even though it had been eight months, I still knew the way as well as if I had just gone there yesterday.

When I got there, the lights were out, so I figured Charlie was asleep. I climbed up the tree outside Bella's window and slid the window open. It creaked from the months of being shut and I made a mental note to get some oil. The sound disturbed Bella, and she tossed in her sleep, but she didn't wake. I climbed in the window and breathed a sigh of relief. I was home.

I went to the bed and lay down beside my love, wrapping my arms around her. Again, she tossed, but didn't wake. I was glad. I wanted to just watch her sleep and appreciate the moment. She was the most beautiful woman in the world, and she was mine. I couldn't believe my good fortune. I once again was perversely glad that Rosalie had been misinformed. I had Bella back. It was all worth it.

Bella mumbled a bit in her sleep, but I didn't get my answers. She was dreaming about the horrific experience we'd had in Italy. I wasn't surprised. How could her memories of that not be terrifying enough to haunt her dreams? But I was sad. I wanted to make the bad dreams that tormented my angel go away. I wanted her to sleep peacefully. I wanted to erase the past eight months, pretend they'd never happened.

About three hours later, I was lightly tracing the lines of Bella's face with the tip of my finger when she started to stir. I smiled. She opened her eyes and a look somewhere between shock and terror crossed her face.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, throwing her fists over her eyes.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked anxiously when she opened her eyes again.

She looked very confused for a moment. I supposed I wasn't surprised. I hadn't been here for months. But where else did she think I would be when she woke up?

"Oh _crap_," she said. Her voice was hoarse from all the sleep.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked, even more anxious than before.

She frowned at me. "I'm dead, right? I _did_ drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie!"

Now I was frowning. She thought she was dead? "You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?" she asked, raising her eyebrows quizzically.

"You _are_ awake, Bella," I said. I'd earned this, I supposed. I _had_ left her, telling her I didn't want her. Had I really thought that it would be as easy as this for her to believe I was here with her again now?

Bella shook her head. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. _If_ I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…" she trailed off, a look of horror on her face.

I decided to try humor. "I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I said, a grim smile on my face. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in Hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

She grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in Hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed. She was glad I was here, but she couldn't believe it was real. It was wonderful and agonizing at the same time. A look of comprehension crossed her face.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" she asked.

"That depends," I said, attempting to smile. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange," she said. She didn't sound quite awake yet. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

I rolled my eyes. She was definitely not coherent yet. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore," she insisted. Still as stubborn as ever. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

I glanced at the clock. "It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

"Charlie?" she asked.

I frowned. I would rather not think about what would happen if Charlie should awake and find me here. "Sleeping," I told her. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window…But still, the intent was clear."

Her quizzical expression turned to anger. "Charlie banned you from the house?"

It ached just to think about it. "Did you expect anything else?" I asked her.

"What's the story?" she suddenly asked.

The question caught me off guard. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone, anyway?"

Of course! I hadn't even thought about that. "Just three days." I smiled now, a little more naturally. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

"Fabulous," she groaned.

I tried to comfort her. "Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I offered. Alice was usually very good at fabricating believable stories for Charlie. And Charlie adored Alice, so he usually believed anything she told him.

She looked a bit comforted, but now her expression was calculating. "So," she finally said. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

Of all the things to ask me, she chose this? The one question I didn't want to answer. "Nothing terribly exciting," I lied. I hated lying to Bella. I'd done it too much. I wanted to tell her everything, but I didn't want to frighten her.

"Of course not," she muttered, frowning.

"Why are you making that face?" I asked.

She pursed her lips. "Well…If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed. She still thought she was dreaming. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" she exclaimed. I waited. "Maybe. If you tell me."

I tried to tiptoe around the answer. "I was…hunting."

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

She did have a point. That was exactly the kind of thing a dream would say. I guessed I'd have to tell her the truth. I'd just leave Alice and Jasper out of it. I hesitated, trying to figure out how to tell her. "I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it."

Her expression changed. Now it was curious. Perhaps I'd convinced her she was awake. "What were you tracking?" she asked.

"Nothing of consequence," I lied again. It was agonizing. The last time I'd lied, I'd all but literally ripped her heart out from inside her chest. I never wanted to lie to her again.

She must have seen something on my face, because she looked confused now. "I don't understand."

I hesitated. This was the part I wasn't looking forward to. I took a deep breath, then began. "I…I owe you an apology. No, of course, I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know"—I started to speed up, desperate to get this over with—"that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought you were safe here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria"—I bared my teeth involuntarily—"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that that's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of _werewolves_, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself…" I shuddered. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—"

"Stop," she interrupted me. She hesitated for a long moment. "Edward," she said. It sounded like it pained her to say my name out loud. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…this _guilt_…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life _is_ for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and _not your fault_. I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—," she stopped to take a deep breath.

She thought I felt guilty? _That's _why she thought I went to the Volturi? I'd hurt her more deeply than I realized. I felt horrible, and I was furious at myself for ever leaving her. "Isabella Marie Swan," I said, my voice tense with my agony and self-loathing. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty_?"

Her expression was blank. "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand."

What was there not to understand? I loved her, and I couldn't live without her. "Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," I said quietly. It was painful to think about, even now. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death"—I shuddered at the thought of her ceasing to exist—"even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?

"The odds," I mused. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand," she said. "That's my whole point. So what?"

I was confused now. "Excuse me?"

"So what if I _was_ dead?"

So what if she was dead? She was my love, my life, my angel, my entire reason for existing. It was as if I had been put on this earth to love Bella for eternity. "Don't you remember anything I told you before?" I asked her.

"I remember _everything_ that you told me."

Ouch. Of course. I had told her I didn't want her. And she had believed me. That's what she remembered the most.

I touched her lower lip with my index finger. "Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension," I finally said. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to smile. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am…confused," she finally said.

I looked into her eyes, seeing all the way down to her troubled soul. It was agonizing to know that I was the cause of the pain I saw there.

"I'm a good liar, Bella. I have to be."

Her entire body froze in place. I gently shook her shoulder, trying to loosen her rigid pose.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced at the memory of her face that day in the forest. "That was…excruciating."

She was still frozen.

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye…You weren't going to let go," I said, not able to speak above a whisper. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd_ moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she whispered, barely audible.

"Exactly," I said. "But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

"But how could you believe me?" I finally asked the question that had been tormenting me for months. "After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

A look of shock was on her face, and she didn't answer me.

"I could see it in your eyes," I continued, trying not to wince at the memory of her agonized eyes that day, "that you honestly _believed_ that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that _I_ could exist without needing _you_!"

She was still frozen in place. I shook her shoulder again, a little too hard. Her teeth rattled.

"Bella," I sighed. "Really, what were you thinking?"

She started to cry. The tears rolled down her cheeks for a minute or so before she finally spoke. "I knew it," she managed to get out between the sobs. "I _knew_ I was dreaming."

I laughed once in frustration. How could I make her see that she was really awake, that I was really here, and that I really loved her? This was agonizing. Almost as bad as that day in the forest. I was having to work a hundred times harder to convince her of the truth than I did convincing her of the lie.

"You're impossible," I sighed. "How can I put this so you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have_ always loved you, and I _will _always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head, still not believing. It was like she was stabbing a knife into my chest.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I asked, not able to speak above a whisper. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," my angel sobbed. "I always knew that."

I sighed. I had hoped for our first kiss in eight months to be two-sided, but it was my last resort. "I'll prove you're awake," I vowed, taking her face in my hands and ignoring her struggles. I moved my face closer to hers.

"Please don't," she whispered.

I stopped, shocked. When had she ever backed away from a kiss? "Why not?" I demanded.

"When I wake up—okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I pulled back to read her face. It was time for more of the answers I had been waiting for. "Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same," I began. "I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you _have_ moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please." My feelings had already been hurt as much as was possible. "Just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I finished in a whisper. Now I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it," I begged. "Please."

She stared into my eyes for a long moment before responding. "The way I feel about you will never change," she finally said. "Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Oh, thank the good Lord above! "That's all I needed to hear," I said, and then pressed my mouth to hers before she could stop me again.

I wasn't as careful with her as I had been before. I knew now that I could never hurt her. Kissing her was nothing. Feeling her warm lips against mine was no temptation—unless you could count wanting to go further as a temptation. But I could never hurt my angel. My fingers traced the lines of her face, and hers did the same to mine. It took a few seconds, but eventually she kissed me back, and I heard her heart speed up. It felt like I would explode from the joy. I almost couldn't believe this was real. After a few minutes, I stopped for a moment to let her breathe, but I wasn't even close to done. It had been way too long.

"Bella," I breathed, trying to make this heaven on earth seem more real.

When she'd caught her breath, I eagerly moved my lips back to hers and continued to kiss her. When she was gasping for breath, I pulled back, nowhere near satisfied, but pacified. I laid my head against her chest, luxuriating in the sound of her heartbeat.

"By the way," I said, trying to sound casual, "I'm not leaving you."

She didn't answer, and it pained me to think that she still might not believe me. I lifted my head off her chest to stare into her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said. "Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do _something_, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could never have made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only _you_ could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you _can't_ be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she said in a pained whisper.

Now I was angry. "You think I'm lying to you now?" I asked her.

"No—not lying," she said. She shook her head as she thought about it. "You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched at the memory of her disastrous eighteenth birthday.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" she asked. "You'll end up doing what you think is right."

I sighed. Of course she would be thinking of that. I tried to see it from her perspective, and her doubts did make sense.

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," I told her. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

She grimaced. "Be serious, please."

I glared at her, still angry that she didn't believe me. "Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I studied her face, making sure she was really listening. I tried to figure out how best to word it. After a minute, I gave it my best shot.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason…And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she muttered quietly.

"That's just the problem," I said. "They can't."

"What about your distractions?"

I laughed once, but there was no humor in it. "Just part of the lie, love," I told her. "There was no distraction from the…the _agony_. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she said.

Funny? What could possibly be even remotely humorous about this? I arched one eyebrow.

"Funny?" I demanded.

"I meant strange," she clarified. "I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "And my heart. That was definitely lost.

I put my ear against her chest again, listening to her heartbeat. She pressed her cheek against my hair, and I sighed. I was in Heaven once more. How had I ever found the strength to leave her?

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" she asked after a minute.

I sighed again, this time in frustration. She still wasn't completely convinced. "No. That was never a distraction. That was an obligation."

"What does that mean?" she asked curiously.

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really she came here." I groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—"

"You were tracking _Victoria_?" she shrieked, with a little too much volume. Charlie's snores stuttered, and I thought for a moment that she had woken him up. But the snores picked up a regular rhythm again.

Oops. I hadn't told her that part before. "Not well," I told her, trying to understand why she looked so angry and terrified. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is…out of the question," she choked out.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" she interrupted. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned. A snarl began to build in my chest. She was right. I had promised to stay. But Victoria was hunting Bella.

"I will keep my promise, Bella," I told her. "But Victoria"—the snarl let itself out as I said the name—"is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty. Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

What could possibly be a bigger problem than a sadistic vampire trying to kill my angel? I narrowed my eyes, coming up with the first logical explanation. I nodded. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted. "I wasn't talking about _Jacob_," she protested. "My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I opened my mouth to correct her, to tell her how dangerous the werewolves were, but I thought better of it. I really didn't want to fight with her right now. I shut my mouth.

"Really?" I asked. "Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she asked.

Why wouldn't she want to tell me what her greatest problem was? This was odd. "All right," I agreed warily.

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she whispered after a short pause.

I sighed. That was a problem. A problem for both of us. But they didn't measure time the way humans did. We had time to think through plans.

And then something occurred to me. "The Volturi are only the _second_ greatest?" I asked.

"You don't seem that upset about it," she remarked.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

Tears started to build up in the corners of her eyes. My poor angel. I wished now more than ever that I could just take her away from all of this, from all the worries, from all the troubles. "You don't have to be afraid," I said, the anxiety breaking through in my voice. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here," she muttered.

She _still_ thought I was going to leave her? I was past being angry now. Sadness washed over me. I was out of ways to explain to her how much she meant to me, out of ways to tell her that I couldn't leave her. I took her face in my hands, forcing her to look into my eyes.

"I will never leave you again," I said. It was all I had left.

"But you said _thirty_," she whispered, the tears spilling onto her cheeks. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

So much for the horrible exhibition in Italy deterring her from wanting to become a monster. I clenched my jaw. "That's exactly what I'm going to do," I told her. "What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really—," she began, but then she stopped. It was quiet for a long minute.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to get her to continue.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your _grandmother_?"

Of course she would be worried about that. But I simply didn't care. I would always love her, no matter what. I brushed the tears off of her perfect cheek with my lips.

"That doesn't mean anything to me," I told her. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…if you outgrew _me_—if you wanted something more"—I flinched at the thought of her leaving me—"I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" she asked.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can."

Her face was unreadable. "That is seriously…sick," she finally said.

Oh, why was she doing this to me? For myself, I wanted to make her immortal so badly. But it was the most selfish thing I could imagine doing. She deserved so much more than me, so much better.

"Bella, it's the only right way left—," I was trying to convince myself as much as her.

"Let's just back up for a minute," she interrupted angrily. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm _thirty_, do you really think they'll forget?"

I shook my head slowly. "No…They won't forget. But…"

"But?"

I grinned. I had just remembered what I had discovered about Demetri. "I have a few plans," I said.

"And these plans," she said angrily. "These plans all center around me staying human."

"Naturally," I replied, a bit too harshly.

We glared at each other for a long minute. Then she shoved against me, trying to sit up.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, unwilling. I would rather the Volturi killed me now than be away from my love.

"No," she said brusquely. "_I'm_ leaving."

She was leaving? In the middle of the night? "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to your house," she said, searching for her shoes.

I got up and went to her side. I found her shoes in less than a second and held them out to her. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck," she answered matter-of-factly.

"That will probably wake Charlie," I said, hoping to keep her here.

She sighed. "I know. But, honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

She had a point. "None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I pleaded, but I wasn't counting on it. She was quite stubborn when she wanted something.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," she teased as she turned toward the door.

I was there in a millisecond, blocking her way. She looked back at the window.

"Okay," I sighed, defeated. "I'll give you a ride."

"Either way." She shrugged. "But you probably _should_ be there too."

"And why is that?" I asked, curious now.

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

I clenched my teeth. She was going to involve my family in our argument? "My views on which subject?" I asked, wanting her to say it out loud.

"This isn't just about you anymore," she said, an arrogant air to her voice. "You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?"

"My mortality," she said, the arrogant tone still in her voice. "I'm putting it to a vote."


	16. 15 Epiphany

15. Epiphany

I was sure my displeasure showed clearly on my face, but I didn't want to argue with Bella any more tonight. I picked her up and jumped from her window, then set her down and crouched so she could climb on my back.

"All right then," I said, making no attempt to mask the disapproval in my voice. "Up you go."

I helped her onto my back, got a firm grip on her, and took off running toward my house. I didn't want to say anything more, to add more fuel to the fire, so I just kept my mouth shut. When we were close to my house, I felt her warm lips press firmly against my neck.

I sighed with pleasure. "Thank you. Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

She laughed. "Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

I snorted quietly. She _still_ wasn't completely convinced she was awake. "I'll earn your trust back somehow," I muttered. "If it's my final act."

"I trust _you_," she clarified. "It's me I don't trust."

We were almost to my house, so I slowed to a walk as I spoke. "Explain that, please."

"Well…I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold_ you."

I reached to pull Bella off of my back. Once I'd set her on her feet again, I wrapped my arms tightly around her, holding her recklessly close.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," I assured her in a whisper. "Never doubt that."

After a moment, I realized she'd been keeping something from me, and I was extremely curious to know. "You never did tell me…" I began.

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess," she said, sighing and touching the tip of my nose with her index finger.

Of course I was. Why else would she not have told me?

I nodded. "I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."

"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me," she said, rolling her eyes.

I tensed myself and waited for the rest. The pain I felt was overwhelming.

"You can leave me," she finally said. "The Volturi, Victoria…they're nothing compared to that."

The pain got a hundred times worse. I would never forgive myself for leaving my love. Ever.

"Don't," she whispered, touching my face lightly. "Don't be sad."

I attempted to smile, but I couldn't. "If there was only some way to make you see that I _can't_ leave you," I whispered. "Time, I suppose, will be the only way to convince you."

"Okay," she agreed. After a moment, she tried to distract me from the anguish that must have been clear on my face. "So—since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?"

I laughed. Of course she could have her things back. They'd been in her room the whole time. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets—they're all under your floorboards."

She was shocked. _"Really?"_

I nodded, pleased that she was happy about this.

"I think," she mused. "I'm not sure, but I wonder…I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?" I asked, curious.

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

My leaving had had a worse effect on her than I'd imagined. "Voices?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level in spite of my anxiety.

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story."

I looked at her warily now, waiting patiently for her story. "I've got time."

"It's pretty pathetic."

I still waited.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?" she began.

Only too well. Those extreme sports were what made me think she was dead.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun," I said, keeping my voice even.

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle—"

"Motorcycle?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice calm, but there was a mixture of anxiety, sadness, and anger that couldn't quite keep hidden. Bella riding a motorcycle? _Had_ she been trying to kill herself?

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No," I said, my irritation with her becoming more pronounced.

"Well, about that…See, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…I could remember you more clearly. I remembered how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly, I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much—it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt.

"And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

What? She'd done all of those stupid, dangerous, irresponsible things because it allowed her to hear my voice in her head? The agony returned. I felt physically ill. "You…were…risking your life…to hear—"

"Shh," she interrupted me. "I think I'm having an epiphany here."

I waited, tense, while she mulled things over in her head, wishing now more than ever that I could read her mind. I wanted to know what was going on in her head that could be more important than this conversation. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Everything that had happened, Bella jumping off the cliff, Alice seeing it, everything, had happened because Bella wanted to hear my voice. She was having actual delusions involving my voice. I knew she loved me, but I didn't realize how deep it went, how much pain I'd caused her by leaving. Not really until right now.

I was having an epiphany of my own now. Bella loved me. She loved me beyond all reason. The bond that had been forged between us was unbreakable, deeper than the deepest bonds of human love. I remembered Marcus' assessment now. Stronger even than werewolf imprinting. Our love was beautiful and perfect and epic. For what seemed like the millionth time, I realized that I could never leave her again. She loved me so much more than I deserved. I was a hideous, deplorable creature, and Bella loved me. I had put her through Hell on earth and she still was willing to come back to me, to forgive me for everything. What had I ever done to deserve her?

"Oh!" my angel interrupted my thought process.

"Bella?"

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I asked, my voice strained from the combination of my own epiphany and the illness I felt realizing what she'd done and why she'd done it.

"You love me," she said, awe and wonder in her voice.

I smiled the crooked smile she loved. "Truly, I do."

I took her face between my hands and kissed her again, with as much force and passion as I had in her bedroom. Maybe more. It didn't scare me now, being close to her. I couldn't hurt her now. It wasn't physically possible. I didn't back off when she knotted her fingers in my hair and parted her lips. Now I responded with the same force and urgency. I only stopped because I knew that, unlike me, she needed to breathe to survive. And I knew that she was physically incapable of doing so when I was kissing her. She seemed to forget to breathe whenever I touched her. I bent down to lean my forehead against hers, and, although I wasn't winded, I was breathing just as hard as she was.

"You were better at it than I was, you know," I told her.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was…totally useless. I couldn't be around my family—I couldn't be around anyone." Of course, that didn't mean that my family wasn't around _me_, but I'd promised Alice that I wouldn't tell Bella that. "I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me." I grinned sheepishly. That part _was_ true. "It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."

I looked at the angel in front of me, wondering what good deed I had done in a past life to deserve her. She was beautiful, wonderful, and perfect. And, by some miracle, she loved me. She was mine. And I was hers. And we would never be apart again. What had I done to merit this good fortune?

"I only heard one voice," she corrected me.

I laughed and wrapped my arm around her, pulling her tight against my side as I led her toward my house. "I'm just humoring you with this," I said, motioning to the house. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say."

"This affects them now, too."

I shrugged, then led her through the open doors and turned on the lights. Of course my family wouldn't need them. "Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" I called out in a normal volume. They would hear me.

Carlisle appeared in less than a second. "Welcome back, Bella," he said, smiling. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

She nodded. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

_What's going on, Edward?_ Carlisle's confusion was clear on his face. "Of course," he told Bella. "Why don't we talk in the other room?"

He led the way through the living room to the dining room, turning on lights so Bella could see. We arrived in the dining room/conference room, and Carlisle pulled out the chair at the head of the table for Bella. She sat down. Carlisle and I took the seats beside her, and everyone else silently followed suit. Alice grinned at Bella, because she already knew why we were here. Jasper and Emmett looked confused, and Rosalie smiled timidly at Bella.

Carlisle nodded at Bella. "The floor is yours."

She swallowed loudly before she began. "Well…I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything," Alice told her.

"And on the way?"

"That, too."

"Good," Bella sighed. "Then we're all on the same page." She paused for a moment. "So, I have a problem. Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing—something to avoid.

"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that," she continued, pausing to look each of us in the eye, saving me for last. "But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

_Of course we want you, Bella. But it's Edward's decision._ Esme opened up her mouth to voice her thoughts, but Bella silenced her by holding up one finger.

"Please, let me finish," Bella continued. "You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then…I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have _them _coming _here_."

How dare she lay down that kind of ultimatum? Of _course_ they would vote in her favor now. I wouldn't let her follow through with it. A growl started to build in my chest.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire." A smile played at her lips as she gestured to Carlisle to begin.

"Just a minute," I interrupted, desperate to stall this.

My love glared at me, narrowing her eyes. I gave her hand a tight squeeze and raised my eyebrows at her. She sighed in resignation.

"About the danger Bella's referring to," I began. "I don't think we need to be overly anxious. You see, there's more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." I grinned.

"Which was?" Alice encouraged. _Why didn't you say anything to me before?_

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?"

Bella shuddered, which I took as a yes.

"He finds people—that's his talent, why they keep him.

"Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker—a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the…flavor? I don't know how to describe it…the tenor…of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances.

"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" I shrugged.

"You think he won't be able to find me," Bella finished in a monotone.

"I'm sure of it," I said confidently. "He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?"

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless. It will be like looking for a needle in a haystack!"

Emmett and I exchanged a smile.

"But they can find you," Bella protested.

"And I can take care of myself."

Emmett laughed and reached a fist across the table towards me. "Excellent plan, my brother," he said enthusiastically. I stretched out my arm to smack Emmett's fist with mine.

"No," Rosalie said with a hiss. _Ignorant fool! That will make it even more obvious that you're hiding something from them._

"Absolutely not," echoed Bella.

"Nice," Jasper said. _Way to think on your feet, bro._

"Idiots," Alice muttered.

Esme glared at me. _Edward, that's out of the question. It's much too dangerous._

Bella straightened up in her chair as she spoke again. "All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," she said, her voice businesslike. "Let's vote."

She turned her head to look at me. "Do you want me to join your family?"

_I can't, Bella. I want it so badly, but I can't do it. I can't take your soul from you._ "Not that way," I told her, a little more harshly than necessary. "You're staying human."

She nodded once. "Alice?"

"Yes." _I'm sorry, Edward, but this has all gotten way too out of hand._

"Jasper?"

"Yes," he said in a serious tone. _Sorry, bro, but it'll make things so much easier for all of us. And I'd like to be able to be near her without worrying every second that I'm going to kill her._

"Rosalie?"

"No."

Bella turned her head to move on, but Rosalie held up both of her hands, palms forward.

"Let me explain," Rosalie pleaded. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that…this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

Bella nodded slowly as she continued around the table to Emmett.

"Hell yes!" he grinned widely. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri." _It's really not the end of the world, kid. Think about it. It would be better for you, too._

Bella grimaced, I assumed at the thought of us fighting the Volturi, as she turned to Esme.

"Yes, of course, Bella," Esme said. "I already think of you as part of my family." _Edward, you have to see the advantages of this._

"Thank you, Esme," Bella said quietly as she turned toward my father.

Carlisle wasn't looking at her. He was looking at me. _Edward, it makes sense. She wants it, and I can't lose you. I know what will happen when she dies. It already almost happened once, and it was three days of torture. It will be an eternity of torture when you follow her to the grave._

A growl started to rumble in my chest. Were they really all that selfish that they would sacrifice Bella's soul just to make our lives easier?

"Edward," Carlisle said.

"No," I said, letting the growl out.

"It's the only way that makes sense," he insisted. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice." _Because I've chosen not to live without you._

I let go of Bella's hand and pushed back from the table, leaving the room. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't believe how selfish my entire family was. I couldn't believe that Rosalie, _Rosalie_, was the only one on my side. I listened to the conversation in the other room.

"I guess you know my vote," Carlisle said with a sigh. _I wish Edward would stop being so stubborn about this. It would make his life so much easier, too._

"Thanks," Bella muttered.

I ran across the room, picked up the expensive flatscreen TV we'd had shipped in from Korea, and smashed it on the floor in frustration. The traitors!

"That's all I needed," Bella continued. "I feel exactly the same way about all of you, too."

"Dearest Bella," Esme sighed.

"Well, Alice," Bella asked a minute later. "Where do you want to do this?"

"No! _No_! NO!" I screamed, running back into the dining room. I bent down so my face was inches away from Bella's. "Are you insane?" I screamed at her. "Have you utterly lost your mind?"

She cringed away, putting her hands over her ears.

"Um, Bella," Alice said nervously. "I don't think I'm _ready_ for that. I'll need to prepare…"

"You promised," Bella protested.

"I know, but…Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to _not_ kill you."

"You can do it," Bella prodded. "I trust you."

I snarled in rage, both at Bella and Alice. How _dare _they?

_Okay, Edward, relax. I won't do it._ Alice shook her head at Bella.

Bella wasn't giving up so easily. "Carlisle?" she asked, turning to look at him.

I grabbed her face in my hand, turning it back to mine. I forced her to look up into my eyes. I put my other hand out towards Carlisle, motioning for him to stop.

Carlisle ignored me. "I'm able to do it," he told Bella. "You would be in no danger of me losing control."

"Sounds good," she mumbled, her words garbled by my firm hold on her jaw.

"Hold on," I said through clenched teeth. "It doesn't have to be now." I was desperate to buy more time. I hadn't had enough of Bella as a human. I had just gotten her back! I couldn't give that up yet.

"There's no reason for it not to be now," Bella protested.

"I can think of a few."

"Of course you can," she said, her words still coming out distorted because of my hold on her. "Now let go of me."

I let go of her face and folded my arms across my chest as I spoke. "In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

Bella frowned. "All three of them."

"In the interest of remaining _inconspicuous_," I said through clenched teeth, turning to look at Carlisle as I spoke, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house."

"That's a reasonable request, Bella," Carlisle agreed.

Bella pursed her lips. "I'll consider it."

I relaxed. "I should probably take you home," I said in a much calmer voice. I was anxious to get her out of here before Carlisle rethought his agreement with me. "Just in case Charlie wakes up early."

Bella turned to look at my father. "After graduation?" she pressed.

"You have my word."

She took a deep breath and smiled before turning to look at me. "Okay," she said to me. "You can take me home now."

I rushed her out of the house with inhuman speed, glad that this conversation was over, but not in the least bit happy with the result.

As I ran to her house, I thought through the ramifications of what had just happened. Carlisle had promised Bella that he would make her one of us. I knew that he would follow through on his promise whenever Bella was ready, and she was ready now, or thought she was, but had conceded to wait until graduation. But I knew who she really wanted to change her, and I knew it wasn't Carlisle. If she was going to become immortal anyway, why couldn't I do it? I knew how badly she wanted this, and how much more she wanted it from me specifically. I could probably buy myself a few more years with her as a human if I agreed to be the one to change her. It made me sick to even be considering this, but I was desperate.

I continued to consider the possibilities of this as we arrived at her house. I pulled her off of my back and laid her gently on the bed. Then I started to pace back and forth, setting the stage.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work," Bella said.

"Shh. I'm thinking."

"Ugh," she groaned, flopping back onto the bed and pulling her blanket over her head.

I went to lie beside her and pulled the covers off of her head. I looked at her beautiful face and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. How could I ever have been angry at her? She just wanted the same thing I did: for us to be together forever.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now…tell me something."

"What?" Her tone was cautious.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

"You."

I felt a surge of joy pulse over me at that one simple word. She wanted _me_. I still couldn't believe it. "Something you don't already have," I pressed, shaking my head.

She hesitated before she spoke. "I would want…Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want _you_ to change me."

Excellent. This was working beautifully. "And what would you be willing to trade for that?"

"Anything."

I smiled a little, then pursed my lips. "Five years?"

Her face twisted in horror.

"You said anything."

"Yes, but…you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human—for me, at least. So, anything but _that_."

I frowned, pretending to still be considering. I hadn't really expected her to agree to that much time. "Three years?"

"No!"

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?"

"Six months?" She wore a perfect poker face.

I rolled my eyes. "Not good enough."

"One year, then. That's my limit."

"At least give me two," I protested.

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere _near_ twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

Of course I hadn't figured her irrational fear of aging into my brilliant plan. How could I buy myself more time without making her agree to time limits? I suddenly had another epiphany. A stroke of genius. Something I wanted very much, more than anything else, now that I'd thought of it. But something I knew Bella was terrified of.

"All right," I said. "Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one—then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition?" she asked warily. "What condition?"

"Marry me first."

She was quiet for a long moment. "Okay. What's the punch line?" she finally asked.

"You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious."

"I am one hundred percent serious."

"Oh, c'mon," she said anxiously. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

She looked past me at the dark window as she spoke. "Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

"Interesting choice of words."

"You know what I mean."

"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment."

"That's not it exactly," she clarified. "I'm…afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married." I chuckled darkly.

"You think you're joking."

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for eternity as a vampire…if you're not brave enough to marry me, then—"

"Well," she interrupted. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas right now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

I instantly called her bluff. I smiled. "Sure. I'll get my car."

"Dammit," she muttered under her breath. "I'll give you eighteen months."

"No deal." I grinned. "I like _this_ condition."

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

"If that's what you really want." I shrugged, trying not to let her know how much it hurt me. I smiled at her, the crooked smile I knew she couldn't resist.

"You're impossible," she groaned. "A monster."

I chuckled. "Is that why you won't marry me?"

She groaned in response.

I leaned toward her, gazing into her eyes. Now that I'd thought of it, I wanted nothing more than to marry Bella. There was just something about making it official, something about a piece of paper that told the world that she belonged to me and to _no one else_. It would validate my claim on her. I would convince her to agree to my condition somehow.

"_Please_, Bella?" I breathed.

She stared blankly at me for a moment, then shook her head.

"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"

"No! No rings!" she said loudly.

Charlie's snoring stopped and he started to stir. "Now you've done it," I whispered.

"Oops."

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave," I said. The thought of leaving my love was agonizing, and some of the pain came through in my voice.

Her heart skipped a beat and the expression on her face became one of horror. She didn't want me to leave. The pain was replaced with a deep joy.

"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?" I asked her.

"No," she whispered. "Stay. Please."

I smiled at her and went into her closet. After a moment, her bedroom door opened.

"Morning, Dad," Bella said.

"Oh, hey, Bella," he said. He was embarrassed at getting caught checking on her. "I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to get up so I could take a shower."

"Hold on," Charlie said, flipping on the light switch. "Let's talk for a minute first. You know you're in trouble."

"Yeah, I know."

"I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's _funeral_, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when—or if—you were coming back. Do you have any idea how…how…" He took a deep breath and moved on, unable to finish the sentence. "Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"

"Because I won't go."

"Now, just one minute, young lady—," Charlie said angrily.

"Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too—but that won't make me go to Florida."

Charlie's anger didn't have words to go with it. It was just a silent shouting in his head. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. "Would you like to explain where you've been?"

Damn it! We'd never come up with a good story to explain Bella's disappearance, and telling him the truth was out of the question. Bella had never been a very good liar. I hoped she'd come up with something that was somewhat believable.

"There was…an emergency." Bella exhaled loudly before continuing. "I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand. See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off a cliff…"

_She did WHAT?!?! Edward is never coming within a hundred yards of this house again. I'll kill him for doing that to my daughter._

I sighed silently. I understood his reasons, but I knew this would cause more trouble for Bella, because she would never agree not to see me. I smiled at that thought.

"I guess I didn't tell you about that," Bella choked out. "It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to…L.A., to explain in person."

I was quite shocked. That wasn't a half-bad explanation. Much better than she usually came up with when left to her own devices.

Charlie couldn't speak for a moment. When he finally found his voice, the words came out in a whisper. "_Were_ you trying to kill yourself, Bella?"

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."

"What's it to Edward Cullen, anyway?" Charlie demanded. "All that time, he's just left you dangling without a word—"

"Another misunderstanding," Bella interrupted.

"So is he back, then?"

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I _think_ they all are."

_That kid has some nerve. They all do. Showing up again like this, after what they did to my daughter._ "I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again."

"Fine," she said.

I froze.

"Oh," Charlie said in surprise. "I thought you were going to be difficult."

"I am. I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out.'"

I was disgusted with myself for doubting Bella's affection. I smiled.

Again, Charlie's shock was wordless. _!!!!_

"Dad, I don't _want_ to move out. I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."

The smile broke into a huge grin. She'd gotten it. She finally believed me. If Charlie hadn't been in the room, I would have burst into song.

"Not under my roof," Charlie fumed.

Bella sighed. "Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight—or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella—," Charlie protested

"Think it over. And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I _really_ need a shower."

Charlie left, shutting the door behind him. Within a second, I was sitting in Bella's rocking chair.

"Sorry about that," Bella whispered.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse," I whispered sadly. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

"Don't worry about it. I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?"

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…" she grinned deviously. "If Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"

My jaw tightened. I _would_ convince her to agree to my condition. I wanted it too badly to just give it up. "So eager for eternal damnation," I muttered.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh, don't I?" I asked angrily.

"No, you don't."

I glared at her and opened my mouth to protest, but she spoke before I could.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't—you said, '_Amazing. Carlisle was right_.'" Her tone was triumphant. "There's hope in you, after all."

I didn't have a response to that. She was right.

"So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" she continued. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need Heaven."

I got up and walked over to her, putting my hands on either side of her face. "Forever," I promised.

"That's all I'm asking for," she said, stretching up to kiss me.

I lifted her off the floor so I wouldn't have to bend and eagerly pressed my mouth to hers once more.


	17. EpilogueTreaty

Epilogue – Treaty

Almost everything had gotten back to normal within a matter of a few weeks. The hospital had eagerly welcomed Carlisle back, and Alice and I had no problem catching up in our classes, since we already knew all the material, and we had fabricated transcripts from a high school in L.A. It was amazing the favors I could get female administrators to do for me, and I resumed the same schedule I'd had before we left, which put me in all but one class with my love. That suited me just fine. It was physically painful to be separated from her, even just for that hour.

Speaking of Bella, she'd procrastinated with her college applications, but of course, an acceptance at any school in the country was only a matter of money, and I had a new stack of applications for her to fill out every day. If Bella had known how many colleges we'd offered to donate to in order to get her accepted, she would have had a heart attack, especially since she was still planning on having Carlisle change her after she graduated, so of course she wasn't planning on actually _attending_ whatever college she got accepted to. Of course, I was still hoping to get her to take me up on my offer…but it didn't seem likely. I hadn't managed to sway her in the slightest, but I wasn't giving up hope.

Charlie hadn't liked me much after I'd brought Bella home from Phoenix last spring covered in plaster from head to toe. So it stood to reason that he would like me even less now, after I'd caused Bella to become almost catatonic (although I never saw exactly how she'd looked during that time—he tried not to think of it) with my departure. He made no attempt to mask his disapproval of Bella's choice in a boyfriend, and he didn't speak to me at all when he could help it. But he was happy to finally see her happy again, and at least I was allowed inside the house during the designated visiting hours. Of course, he didn't realize that I spent every night in Bella's room with her.

So, I was blissfully happy once again. With one exception. Of course, my leaving would have left some mark that couldn't be erased on Bella's life. This mark came in the form of her friendship with Jacob Black. Of course she _would_ form a friendship with the first monster she could find after the vampires left town. But _why_ did it have to be with our sworn enemies? I was eternally grateful to him for saving Bella multiple times from her life-threatening reckless behavior while I was gone, but he was a _werewolf_! I couldn't just let Bella be friends with a _werewolf_! They were immature, volatile creatures. Entirely unpredictable. If Jacob lost control of himself for even a split second while he was around Bella, he could permanently maim or kill her. Did Bella really think I would take that kind of chance with her safety after everything that had happened?

Of course, Bella, stubborn as she was, was determined to salvage that friendship, which had turned sour after Alice had come back to Forks when she'd seen Bella jump off the cliff (much as I'd wanted to say something to Bella about that little stunt, knowing why she'd done it had stopped me from doing so), and they hadn't spoken once since our trip to Italy. She knew how the mention of werewolves upset me, so she tried not to talk about it, but I knew she still called Jacob at night after I left at the end of my visiting hours. But he wouldn't talk to her. I was glad about this because I didn't approve of their friendship, but it was hard seeing Bella in such pain.

But Bella couldn't always keep her frustration with the situation hidden. "It's just plain rude!" she vented to me one afternoon when I picked her up from work. "Downright insulting!" She'd apparently tried to call Jacob from work with no more luck than usual. "Billy said he didn't _want_ to talk to me. That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

Desperate to get her to forget about this situation, I tried to pacify her. "It's not you, Bella," I whispered to her. "Nobody hates you."

"Feels that way," she muttered as she folded her arms across her chest.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure he's ascertained that I'm with you. He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."

"That's stupid," she said, still frustrated. "He knows you're not…like other vampires."

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."

She didn't respond. She just glared out the window.

"Bella, we are what we are," I continued in a whisper. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k—before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."

She was quiet for a long moment before responding. "Edward Cullen," she finally whispered. "Were you about to say '_killed_ him'? Were you?"

Now it was my turn to stare out the window without responding. Yes, I had been about to say that. Much as I didn't want to hurt a friend of Bella's, I knew it might come to that if we were forced to fight, especially since Jacob was young.

After a long moment, I finally answered. "I would try…very hard…not to do that."

She stared at me, her mouth gaping open in horror, but I looked ahead. We were close enough to Bella's house for me to read Charlie's thoughts now, and I saw what was coming.

Jacob had finally come back, bearing Bella's motorcycle. He'd told Charlie it was hers. Charlie was fuming. _I'll kill her_ had crossed his thoughts once or twice. And Jacob was still there, wanting to talk to me. To remind me that if any of us bit a human, the treaty we had formed with the werewolves was void. Bit, not killed. And, as either Carlisle or I was planning on doing exactly that at some point in the near future…well, this wasn't good, not at all.

"Well," she said, taking a deep breath, "nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."

I saw her turn her face up to smile halfheartedly at me. I wanted desperately to smile back, but I couldn't. "You're already in more trouble, Bella," I whispered as I paused at the stop sign at the end of her street.

She slid closer to me and clutched my arm as she looked out the window. But she couldn't see the shiny red motorcycle parked beside Charlie's cruiser. "What? What is it?" she asked.

I took a deep breath before responding. "Charlie…"

"My dad?" she screeched, her voice a full octave higher than normal.

When I was sure my expression was calm enough to ease some of her worries rather than intensify them, I looked down at her. "Charlie…is probably _not_ going to kill you, but he's thinking about it."

I drove past the house and parked by the edge of the trees. Jacob was waiting just inside them to speak with me.

"What did I do?" she gasped.

Trying to give her a hint, I glanced back toward her house. She followed my gaze and finally saw her motorcycle parked there, glinting in the sun.

"No! _Why?_ Why would Jacob do this to me?" She was quiet in her terror for a long moment, before she realized why I'd driven past her house. "Is he still here?"

"Yes," I told her. "He's waiting for us there." I nodded toward the slender path I'd taken her down all those months ago to…to tell her goodbye. Actually, he was just waiting for me, but there was no way I was going to let Bella face Charlie's wrath alone, so I was bringing her with me to meet Jacob. Besides, having her there would probably keep me calmer.

That had been the wrong thing to say. She jumped out of the car and ran toward the path with her hands balled into fists. I leapt out of the car, too, and caught her around the waist before she reached the path.

"Let me go!" she screamed. "I'm going to murder him! _Traitor!_"

"Charlie will hear you," I said, trying to calm her down. "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie."

"Jacob Black wants to see _me_," I told her. "That's why he's still here."

She stopped cold and dropped her hands limply to her sides. I knew what she was thinking about: our conversation in the car just a few minutes earlier. And I knew that her threats of murder were empty. Jacob was her friend, and she didn't really want him hurt.

"Talk?" she finally asked, the terror breaking through in her voice.

"More or less."

"How much more?"

I smoothed her hair back from her face, trying to calm her as I spoke. "Don't worry, he's not here to fight me. He's acting as…spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh."

Charlie had seen my car outside and was now pacing back and forth across the living room floor, waiting for Bella to get inside.

"We should hurry," I told Bella. "Charlie's getting impatient."

Jacob was waiting just a short way up the path, leaning against a tree. He sneered at us as we moved closer, his thoughts turning violent as he saw our embrace. Moving forward, he stood on the balls of his feet, his hands clenched into fists. He was trying very hard to stay in control of himself, but I wasn't taking any chances. I stopped as soon as we saw him and turned, shifting Bella so that she was behind me. She leaned around me and glared at Jacob.

"Bella," Jacob said, nodding curtly at her.

"Why?" she whispered. I knew her voice well enough to know that she was fighting back tears, and not tears of anger. She missed her friend. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"

"It's for the best," he said, and the sneer vanished.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to _strangle_ me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to _him_?"

Jacob winced. _I didn't want to hurt you or him. I just wanted to get you grounded so you couldn't spend time with your bloodsucker._

After a moment of silence, I voiced Jacob's thoughts to Bella. "He didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me."

Jacob glared at me. He didn't like me reading his mind.

"Aw, Jake!" Bella groaned. "I'm _already_ grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"

_It was because she was grounded? Oh. I thought the bloodsucker wouldn't let her._ "That's why?"

Again, I voiced Jacob's unspoken thoughts for Bella. "He thought _I_ wouldn't let you, not Charlie."

"Stop that," Jacob snapped at me. "Bella wasn't exaggerating about your…abilities. So you must already know why I'm here."

I did know why he was here. But there was also something I needed to say to him. "Yes," I said, my voice calm. "But, before you begin, I need to say something."

Jacob waited, the fury threatening to get the best of him. I fought to keep Bella behind me in case he phased involuntarily.

"Thank you," I said sincerely. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my…existence."

_Huh? Why is this bloodsucker thanking me? What did I _ever_ do for him?_

"For keeping Bella alive. When I…didn't."

"Edward—," Bella started to say, but I silenced her by holding one hand up.

_OH. Of course. Why else would he have been grateful to me? I kept his girlfriend alive._ "I didn't do it for your benefit."

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

Jacob raised one eyebrow. _You could leave._

"That's not in my power," I said, shaking my head.

"Whose, then?"

I looked down at my love, gazing into her eyes. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."

Bella gazed back at me, love and devotion in her eyes. I didn't have to read her mind to anticipate her answer. "Never," she whispered.

Although I knew her answer, it still sent a jolt through my body to hear it. She loved _me_. She never wanted me to leave. For the millionth time since I'd returned to Forks, I wondered what good deed I could possibly have done in a past life to deserve a love as true and deep as this.

Jacob made a gagging sound.

Bella broke free of my gaze to frown at her friend. "Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble—mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do _that_. What more do you want?"

I would have answered for him, but the joy I felt from the words she had just spoken momentarily robbed me of my voice. Nothing could tear us apart, ever. I still couldn't believe my good fortune. Most people went their entire lives without finding love as true as mine.

Jacob kept his eyes on me. "I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."

"We haven't forgotten," I said at the same time that my love asked, "What key points?"

Jacob kept his eyes on me as he answered Bella's question. "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. _Bite_, not kill." He finally looked at Bella as he finished.

"That's none of your business," Bella snapped.

"The hell it—," was all he managed to choke out. His thoughts were incoherent in their fury. He hadn't realized that Bella was planning on becoming one of us. He thought the measure was only precautionary. And for us to be planning to change _Bella_…his fury sent him into convulsions. But Jacob pressed his fists hard against his temples, trying desperately to control himself.

"Jake? You okay?" Bella asked, concerned.

She moved toward him, but I caught her and yanked her back behind me. "Careful! He's not under control."

By this point, Jacob was already mostly under control again. Only his arms were shaking. He scowled at me, his thoughts incoherent, but venomous. "Ugh. _I_ would never hurt her."

I hissed at Jacob involuntarily, and he clenched his fists, tensing himself for a fight.

"BELLA!" Charlie stopped us all cold in our tracks with the fury in his voice. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!"

Bella was the first to break the silence that followed. "Crap," was all she said.

Jacob's expression faltered as he turned his gaze to Bella. "I _am_ sorry about that. I had to do what I could—I had to try…"

"Thanks." Bella's attempts at sarcasm failed absolutely with the fear in her voice. She stared back toward the street.

"Just one more thing," I told her, turning to look at Jacob once more. "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line—have you?"

"The last time was while Bella was…away. We let her think she was slipping through—we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her, but then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

I nodded. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll—"

"She killed on our turf," Jacob hissed. "She's ours!"

"No—," Bella started to say, but once again we were interrupted.

"_BELLA!_ I _SEE_ HIS CAR AND I _KNOW_ YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T _INSIDE_ THIS HOUSE IN _ONE_ MINUTE…!"

"Let's go," I said.

Bella looked back at Jacob, and I could see the pain on her face.

"Sorry," he whispered. "'Bye, Bells."

"You promised," she said, the pain leaking through in her voice. "Still friends, right?"

Jacob shook his head slowly. "You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but…I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…" The hard mask on his face disappeared and the pain in his thoughts made it impossible for him to speak. "Miss you," he mouthed, reaching his hand out toward Bella.

"Me, too," Bella choked out, reaching her hand toward his. "Jake…" she said, taking a step toward him.

I yanked her back, restraining her with my arms. I hated to see Bella in this kind of pain, but I couldn't allow this. I couldn't allow her to be friends with a werewolf. She turned to look at me with complete trust in her eyes, the same expression I'd seen on her face on that fateful night in Port Angeles.

"It's okay," she whispered.

"No," I said coldly. "It's not."

Jacob was furious again. "Let her go!" he snarled. "She _wants_ to!" He took two strides forward, and I pushed my love behind me, then wheeled to face him again.

"No! Edward—!" Bella began.

"ISABELLA _SWAN_!" came Charlie's voice.

"Come on! Charlie's mad!" Bella said, trying to get us out of this situation. "Hurry!"

She tugged at my arm and I relaxed a little as I started to back us up, but I kept my eyes on Jacob as we retreated.

Just before we could no longer see him, Jacob's hard, bitter mask disappeared and pain took over his face. _I miss you, Bella. It's not the same without you. Come back to me._

I kept my arm tight around Bella's waist as we turned to face Charlie's wrath. I could see the pain on her face, too, as we walked back toward her house. The pain was accompanied by fear as we both caught sight of Charlie's purple face.

I wrapped my other arm around my angel, desperate to make the pain I still saw on her face go away, and squeezed her gently.

"I'm here," I promised her.


End file.
